Struggling

[Lavendercrandberry]

I can’t handle much mentally, emotionally and physically currently.

My world is in a constant state of shambles in turn leads to everything within and of me being triggered.

I’m a far gone mess.

I’m too far gone.

Preparing for a new neighbour and watching the existing one empty their residence …has me in shambles and extremely anxious…

My foster mom’s sister isn’t doing too well…She’s rapidly fading away. Breaks my heart to hear that even being age 102 she is truly disheartened and disappointed with her quality of life now…Her hearings just about gone, and her retention span and cognitive abilities have plummeted. Breaks my heart to hear mom repeatedly tell her it’s okay that she has to repeat things over the phone with her…that her sister is severely depressed and is aware of what’s happening…Breaks my heart that she still is clinging to life and the optimism that things will get better…that she wishes she could hear and be independent and functional as she use to be.

Mom isn’t doing too well herself. The dementia has worsened. Her doctor in her chart online has indicated that there is slight hearing loss, memory was better last year but this year it has gotten worse.

I am aware of these things. I often have to repeat things and have to simplify words and sentences in attempts for her to understand. She repeatedly asks me the same things multiple times a day. .as she forgets. I also deal with her accusations multiple times a week that I am putting things in her room because she is insistent that she’s never seen and never had the amount of things she has. (She has had much more over the years). No matter how much I remove to try and comfort her. …it doesn’t work…and in a day or so She’s back to accusing.

Still am heartbroken over the ex that I joined this site originally to vent about. It’s been 4 years and I still miss him and think of him often. Even though he was no good to or for me…at least it was somebody.

I was recently ghosted by a neighbour who for 8 months pretended to be into me, that they cared for, loved me, and wanted a future with me. 8 months constant communication and them abruptly ghosting me. Last time they were in communication was a month
ago. I should have known better. What person would ever want me genuinely? Probably nobody. I have nothing to offer, and am damaged beyond repair.

I don’t know why I do these things to myself. Allow myself to get swept up and participate in such nonsense. I know quickly that they aren’t coming with pure intentions and will just discard me soon. .even though I know …I still allow myself to be used…

I allow myself to be used, just to feel…even if it’s all for pretend…

Anyways, I am finding it difficult to get over them…especially since living in close proximity, having seen multiple people making out with them, having seen them completely unaffected and walking around smiling and genuinely happy.

The last time I saw them, they told me that they were excited to start a life with me and that they would see me the next day. Soon after they left, they must have blocked me…I called to see what time, and went straight to voicemail.

Oh well. I am unfit for most type of involvement with others. …none the less, I just want to be loved, cared for, and finally mean something to someone…

Guess it really doesn’t matter in the long run…our individual existence will soon be forgotten anyway.

Still very depressed about two beings of life that I was close to passing away around 3 years…almost one year for one. I cry alot.

I have been stressed, anxiety ridden, depressed, and sleep deprived. I have little to no relief…even night is loud. It’s either the racoons being very loud at night. Daytime it’s the squirrels that run around under my floorboards and in the walls to my room gaining entrance from holes in the house, daytime workers fixing up neighbour ING residences, the hustle and bustle of people outside, my mom, and disruptions by her family.
.

My mom has been playing depressing to me songs …streaming them via youtube all day.
“Smile” and “the impossible dream” are some of the saddest songs ive ever heard in life.

I have daily depression all of my life, but the weather triggers me when it changes seasons.

I cry alot and pretend I’m happy… which causes me to be further depressed and cry some more.

I’m tired of existence and life.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hi Lavendercrandberry
Thank you for your post. Reading your post made me think of a picture I have seen recently.

You have so much going on in your life, in your day, in your mind, in your thoughts that you don’t know where to start, you are in a sensory overload, like you are trying get from A to B but you are carrying 50 boxes each time you drop one and pick it up, 2 more fall off the pile. The anxiety of that all the time is both mentally and physically exhausting and it is time to put some of those boxes down friend, Organise the ones you really need and set the others aside for another time.
Sometimes we spend so long worrying about things we can do nothing about at all (doesn’t that sound silly?) we all do it though, every single day, we play the “what if” game……. Well “what if” that game had never been invented? We wouldn’t be anywhere near as anxious as we are these days would we?
It is so hard to decide what is more important than the next when we are so prone to worry about everything, but burn out is real and when it hits you, you end up not being able to care about anything especially yourself so its vital for your own sake to take that step back and reassess your situation, if you can’t do it alone ask someone who really knows you to help you, if you are in therapy, ask your therapist perhaps.
I know this won’t change the things that are happening in your life, its scary having a new neighbour, not knowing who is going to be living next door is a worry but they are probably a little fearful too and they may turn out to be a lovely family.
I am sorry about your foster mums sister, what an amazing feat to get to 102, the things that lady has witnessed in her life is beyond however of course with that age comes a multitude of problems as the body ages it doesn’t work like it used too and if the mind does, it gets incredibly frustrated, I am again sorry this is the case, your mum is doing the best she can in a difficult circumstance and so are you!
What you are going through with your Mum is something no one should have to go through and my heart breaks for you, this is one of those things you can do nothing about and that is just awful but one thing you can do is make the most of all of the fun time and good days when mum does remember everything and make memories out of those days, maybe make videos, or scrap books together, things that you will always have. So many things in life are out of our control and it is scary, relationships are another thing that really are very much that way, we don’t know when we get into them what is going to happen or how its going to pan out, so you either go in with hope in your heart and excitement that this new adventure will be amazing however long it lasts or like some choose to do, avoid them at all costs for fear of getting hurt. That is the only real choice I think that a person does have and that decision can be changed at any point in a life.
I hope that you are able to stop and breathe, to put those big old boxes down for a little while and really work out what is really worth all this anxiety and upset (what can you actually fix or change) I think you sound like an incredible human being with a massive heart and I want you to find peace and happiness as that is what you deserve. You do have much to offer, you have a huge heart that has been hurt but will repair and you deserve to be treated with the love and respect that you wish for yourself. Good luck to you. Lisa. Xxx

[djstarion]

Hello @Lavendercrandberry,

I attached a video below replying to your post <3

[lovingweaver]

Hello Friend,

I cannot imagine the amount of stress these experiences have brought you. You deserve to be surrounded by so much love and happiness. You absolutely have every right to feel depressed and exhausted, pretending to be happy when you don’t have the energy is just not your job to please others. Please take good care of yourself in this difficult time.

The rapid weakening memory of your mum and foster mum’s sister is incredibly difficult and there is no manual in the world to properly equip anyone to feel prepared for having family members with dementia. You are incredibly strong and worthwhile because you are yourself and you’re doing the best that you can.

I believe sprinkling coffee grounds, some peppermint oil or cinnamon outside could help to deter the squirrels during the day because I know they hate those smells. Take it one step at a time and feeling intense anxiety is absolutely warranted. If you can fit in a few power naps of 30 minutes here and there, please take care of yourself as best you can because you deserve to receive all the care you would want from a partner from yourself also.

I feel my mood is greatly affected by the seasons too, and for that I like to listen to soft bird song videos during the day and I hope to get a light therapy lamp to wake up and sleep to. I wonder if this may help you too.

Losing people you were close to is always hard. It’s a beautiful thing to have loved people and I hope you also felt loved by them. Let it be a reminder that you do deserve comfortable relationships and there are people ready and excited to love you, even though you can’t see them just now.

Take care

[Lavendercrandberry]

I’m not doing too well. There is always a brick pileup and no escape.

I’m completely and utterly devastated…and suffering from a new and different heartbreak and heartache that I’ve never experienced before.

I’m completely lost. Devastated. Hopeless. Without peace.

Completely still heartbroken over neighbor guy. Doesn’t make things better that he still continues to watch my home on his way to and from work daily…hoping for a glimpse of me.
He confessed to me during our relationship, that he looks at my home daily hoping to see me, but has been unsuccessful most of the time. He said that he didn’t ask me to meet me during those times for a quick hug and greeting because he knew that I’d be busy and that I would be unable to.

At the time I thought he was just saying that to be sweet or telling me what he thought I’d want to hear… I didn’t think he was being truthful, until I saw him do this a few times.

I still love him very much. The distance and silence continue to crush me. I am struggling to accept things, continue no contact, and respect his wishes.

I am struggling to cope in other/most areas of my life as well. Things are rapidly changing, and I don’t cope well with change…especially drastic ones.

Dealing with the heartbreak and loss of 4 long term neighbors of mine who were friendly to me (I’m not use to anyone being friendly towards me, nor talking to me) passing away.

One passed away years ago

One passed away in October of last year…just found out about a week ago. Someone moved into his place rather quickly.

One passed (I’m assuming…she was sickly, developed a crook in her back and neck was unable to literally hold her head up) about 2 months ago. Hadn’t seen her in a month. Soon after saw people clearing out her home and packing/ moving her belongings…soon after that, saw maintenence people, cleaners, painters,etc…

One lived alone and had to eventually move into a senior home…her dementia had rapidly progressed and she passed soon after moving. Her niece who had became her caregiver and lived with her for about a month before moving who was nice…also passed away shortly after moving and around the same time as her aunt. The nieces daughter who was nice and helped with the move…shortly after moving, fell on a patch of ice, which caused her to hit her head on the pavement hard, knocking her into a coma for about 4 months. After she had woken up from the coma, had unfortunately suffered permanent brain damage. Although still alive, she has severe functionality disabilities and will have to spend the remainder of life in a care facility.away from her husband and young daughter…as she can’t independently function.

First neighbor passed 10 years ago… sons inherited home…nice neighbors. One son lived and maintained home ever since passing of mother.

In February decided he no longer wanted to remain there. Spent March packing and the real estate agent quickly found a buyer. Gave a house tour to the buyers today. Finished emptying house today. Today was the last day I probably will ever see him again. He quickly left without any goodbye.

I am saddened, and stressed about the idea of new neighbour’s and everything happening quickly.

Mom’s memory, health and dementia continue to be challenging issue. Her memory and cognitive abilities continue to decline. In addition, she recently developed hearing loss. In addition to me repeating things, I have to raise my voice significantly so that she can hear me. As a naturally quiet, reserved person …this is no easy task.

Mom’s sister and last remaining sibling , has been in and out of the hospital with serious health problems for about a month. She has dementia and hearing loss also. Both are in a state of depression. Unfortunately the two siblings have to sever the only method of communication… telephone, because Mom’s sister can’t hold a coherent and rational conversation any longer as she doesn’t understand…also, she can no longer hear well.

Both are depressed about life, aging, and health. Both reminisce about earlier and more capable years.

This breaks my heart, and it breaks further knowing that I can’t “fix” it.

Next month will mark the first year since the tragic passing of a stray cat I fed daily and tried to get a home for years. He was finally coming around and I had finally found a home for him. The day before departure…Couldn’t find him (as he usually waits to greet me by my house) …looked out my window and saw his lifeless corpse lying in the street near my home. Looked like he was poisoned, had a heart attack, and dumped… he never strayed from a specific location…Was going to collect and bury. By the time I gathered supplies, garbage collection bagged and disposed of him… he hated and was scared of plastic bags…and one was essentially his coffin. He wasn’t garbage…I love him deeply…it breaks my heart daily.

Saw a cat that was either him paying a visit or another who resembled him…yesterday. by the time I had gone to check it out, he was gone. I broke down crying and couldn’t stop. .for the remainder of the day.

Unfortunately, his corpse was by the home of the neighbor guy. Each time I look out the window, I am faced reliving both departures.

In August will make the 3 year passing of another furry gentle soul. My “dog” passed away tragically, after suffering excruciating pain fot a month prior to her passing, due to my foster family prolonging her suffering…Denying my feeble attempts that fell on death ears and hearts to get medical assistance for her. To either end her suffering or perhaps provide a cure. (Will tell of details and her story in another post…someday) after her passing they blamed me for it and basically have been telling me to get over it.

In addition to everything, I have developed memory loss, jumbled speech and thought, brain fog, not being able to focus nor concentrate on many tasks. I can no longer multi-task…barely can focus on one. I suspect perhaps early dementia or something. Casual pc relaxing mental restoring games don’t help.

All of these things plus more have left me in shambles…daily. I am constantly in tears… I am in tears now as I am typing this.