I haven’t posted in a while but I’m not doing too great. I’ve been in my “feels” a lot lately. When I say “feels” I mean feelings of depression and hopelessness.
I’ve been struggling with self esteem/ self image issues and loneliness for a while now, especially in the past 2 years. It’s like a cycle: I start feeling lonely because I’ve been single for years, then I start feeling like there’s something wrong with me, then that leads to feelings of depression.
I was using tinder to try to find someone, not for a one night stand but for someone who was looking for a relationship. There was a couple of times that I got a match and the girl seemed really interested in me, but then just stopped talking to me for no reason. Which of course added onto the issues I’ve been having.
I was talking to my best friend, and he was telling me that tinder is a toxic app, because it gives people other options if someone isn’t catching their attention. So I deleted it, and it felt good to eliminate some toxicity from my life. My friend keeps telling me that I’ll find someone, but I don’t believe it.
One of my biggest fears is dying alone, and that fear has been growing lately. I’m only 20 years old but a lot of people the same age as me are getting married or getting pregnant or both. A couple people from my graduating class of high school, a couple of people I have on Facebook, even two of my cousins (who are the same age). It makes me worried, like am I really at that age where people are settling down?.. and if so, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t find someone who will love me and is meant for me…(excuse the language) another reason why I have a fear of dying alone is because my grandpa did, my dad is still alive but him and my mom are divorced, he lives alone and doesn’t have a girlfriend or wife or anything.
I’m starting to believe that true love doesn’t exist. And if it does, I’m not lucky enough to find it. I just want someone to make me feel something again, make me feel happy again. Johnny cash by wage war has been my anthem: “I wanna feel the love you can’t live without, the one that Johnny cash wrote all his songs about, but I gave it all away for no return, I guess it’s just another lesson that I’ll never learn”.
My friend has told me numerous times to focus on myself, don’t worry about what other people are doing, and that love will find me. But how can I focus on myself when everyone my age around me is getting pregnant or married or both? I mean even seeing a couple in a TV show or movie can make me feel lonely… and what if love doesn’t find me? What happens if I miss the opportunity to be with the girl I’m supposed to be with, and then I end up all alone?
My friend has been telling me I should get help and talk to a counselor. And I know that I should, but I’m just afraid that it’s not going to help. I’ve been trying to deal with it on my own and it’s not working. I’m still constantly in my feels, especially at night. I don’t know what to do… but what I do know is I’m tired of feeling this way.