I hate my seizure disorder. I hate it with a passion. It makes me feel so fucking defeated.
I had one of my biggest seizures ever today - in the worst possible place. The assembly hall, where 200+ people were staring right at me whilst I had my fucking seizure, and it has absolutely drained me and has left me with a very sore head and a lack of appetite. I am so pissed at my so-called “friends”. I have non epileptic seizures - and they’re wayyyyy more likely to happen when I’m stressed or upset. My so called “friends” accused me of shit that I didn’t do, brought up emotional trauma which is still raw and said I was pathetic, and basically told me that nobody would ever love me because I’m pathetic, as well as justifying their behaviour because they didn’t like me, and apparently that gives them the right to be nasty, but as soon as I retaliate, they call me a bitch and a bully. Everything was so overwhelming that I had a fucking seizure. I was getting better as well and it’s set me back so far - I was 2 weeks on from having a really big seizure and now I’m back to 0. I hate having them but it’s so much worse having them at school because people stare. I hate their staring - they just stand there and watch my body basically try and kill me and I can’t control it. My body doesn’t belong to me when I have my seizures. I don’t know what to do about them anymore, they’re ruining my life and they’re refusing to consider any medication based treatments - they want to put me into a CBT group again. I relapsed back into self harm after the last one because it was so awful. I was clean of self harm again until today. Failure all around.
Ik it’s unlikely that anyone here is in my exact situation of having non-epileptic seizures/attacks but I’m just so fucking defeated by this illness and I want to be free. I just want to be fucking free of seizures and live without chains.
Hey dude! I know it’s not the same thing, but I’m missing both legs above the knees so I can relate to some of what you’re saying (mostly the being stared at). I’m sure it’s hard enough living with an illness like this, and then to not have any good friends to support you through it is just awful. My friends were all great to me when I was in the hospital, but as soon as I went home and started having to figure how to live life without legs they all disappeared. Having seizures must be absolute hell, and I’m so sorry that you got dealt the seizure card. One thing you gotta remember is that even though we can’t control what happens to us we can still control how we react to the things that do. We didn’t volunteer to have seizures or lose legs, but we’ve been given an opportunity to learn how to overcome really shitty situations. As for the staring I know it sucks and it makes you feel embarrassed. Especially having it happen at school must be a nightmare. I guess the only thing I can say is to try and remember that most people who stare don’t do it with malicious intent. When I go out in public heads turn like crazy no matter where I am and I hate it, but I have to remind myself that most people are curious. In your case most people probably stare because they’re curious as well as concerned. It sucks to be stared at regardless, but hopefully thinking about that will make things a little bit easier to deal with. Just remember that everyone on here is here for you and that even if your friends won’t help you through this we will.
I am so sorry that happened. That had to have added to your stress with everyone staring and not being able to control anything that was happening. That being said, you are so very strong. I can’t imagine what going through that must be like. It sounds like your friends aren’t very supportive or encouraging which I’m sure doesn’t help your stress either. Know that although your friends don’t encourage you, you have an entire community here that loves you and wants to encourage you. I also want you to know that although you relapsed, you are most definitely not a failure. Healing is a process and sometimes relapses happen. The important thing is that you keep trying and keep fighting. I know it isn’t easy, but we truly believe in you and want you to know how loved you are!
Im so sorry that your having to go through that. I use to have some health issues. Very different than yours, people didn’t understand them and so I understand how it can be embaressing