Hey everyone,
My name is john, and I’m writing this post because just to express many of my frustrations and feelings that I kept hidden for a while inside myself and one night at a very late time while I was contemplating all these thoughts in my head, I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed an outlet to express myself and all the negative emotions that would fill an entire library if written. Here’s what you need for context, since I was a kid I always had the desire to be the best and my parents encouraged me to be like at that as well, whether it was at school or anything else in this case being athletics(martial arts), and for the most part I was very successful and always at the top, the key terms here being for the most partandvery successfulinstead of the most successful, because many times I wasn’t the best and it yes it would bother me, but It would give me more motivation to work harder than before, because not only was I near perfection, I also knew that if I worked harder than before I would accomplish my goals, to the point where I was considered the best, but unfortunately I lost the title so to speak, and I needed to continue fighting, now glory was still near and more than attainable in fact I made many gains and regained my title so to speak until the summer of 2018,when I got hit with a nuclear strike of anxiety, it was hell, and it genuinely made me sympathize more with people who suffer with mental health, but my summer wasn’t completely ruined, and it had a lot of awesome moments as well, but it could’ve easily been better, and that summer caused me to become an impulsive mess, due to the shit summer I had, my goal became to have as much of a blast as possible and put my studies as a side show, it didn’t go too well, and I received my 1st semester certificate and the score was the worst I ever had personally, but the score itself was better than 98% to 95% of the students, I was devastated, I even had a nap the day of when I received my certificate due to how sad I was, and I dreamt(and I wish I was joking, and I swear to you that I am not)that I was literally picking up shit while wearing a bath robe trying to get it back to the bathroom, but the shit seemed to replicate on its own causing me to overwhelmed and me to wake up, very shocked but in a funny way so to speak, but that overall situation meant I needed to improve myself, which I did, massively, to the point that my average was going to be the highest in all the class if not for the first semester grade, which really put me down, but hey I am back at the safe zone so to speak, so that was one of my first failures so to speak and personally speaking I believe this failure of mine has followed to the day I’m writing this post, its like four shadowing for what’s to come. Now this is in my opinion were in terms of martial arts things got from great to the bottom, once in the middle of my 1st semester midterm exams, our school basically wanted people to volunteer for this competition, I got talked into joining this competition by a third party who was close to me, and man do I regret ever listening to them on this matter, I got my ass handed to me on a golden plate, where I lost via point gap, keep in mind I got out the fight without a scratch or a hint of physical pain, but I still lost and made myself look like a weak idiot, to say I hated myself and that my confidence was nuked would be a massive understatement, I was so angry at the person who talked me into it and myself and my confidence was destroyed. I was one of the best players in my martial arts club and was probably the strongest so my mood was so bad that I couldn’t physically raise my head up, yeah it was that bad, and I genuinely couldn’t focus in the best way possible on the exam I had the next day, and unfortunately that caused me to lose some marks, and to add to my misery, my class knew about what happened to me, how? well you see there was a piece of shit who was afraid of me who was good at fighting, but never stood a chance against me in school if shit got heated, and I had a reputation in my school for being extremely aggressive and an angry person i.e. if anyone tried to physically bully me, they’re going to have a bad time, so the cunt-who didn’t even participate, because the school was the desperate to get people to go there, so he literally just watched and never fought meanwhile me and another guy fought- told everyone behind my back which made my class think that I’m weaker than before, and for context my school is filled with the biggest piece of shit people, not all obviously but the majority are, hell the news even got to some people we knew outside the school who used to be in our class. That incident genuinely made me feel that I’m weak and made me afraid that I cannot defend myself and that I would get beat up in a real fight and what sucks about it, is that before and during the period of the tournament, I didn’t train for a whole month because of exam preparation, I was out of shape in a massive way, it was bad, and what’s worse is that I lied to myself and convinced myself that it was fine, but then I realized how much I weighed n the tournament itself and to add to the pressure, the day of the tournament I had a physics exam the day of the tournament and a chemistry exam the next day, the problem with all these circumstances, is I don’t know if these are genuine reasons behind my loss or excuses, but maybe a few good things came out of it, and they are that I needed to lose weight which I did and got out of that crisis, really started training hard, so I can regain my dignity in the summer of 2020 where I got into great shape and improved drastically but unfortunately Covid hit which meant sport centers were closed and competitions were cancelled, now granted, sports center reopened, but tournaments are still closed for the time being, another good thing, is that I talked it out with the person who convinced me, and they apologized to me, and I was more than willing to accept their apology. Although this incident happened in 2018 it still fucks with me from time, where now, I’m in a great place in terms of skill and conditioning, this shit thought is in the back of my mind that I can’t defend myself properly or that I’m weak, so it fucks with me from time to time. Now flash forwards into Jan 2021 where I’m currently in 12th grade and I finished my 1st semester with a blast and I applied to universities including Ivy League ones hoping to get a chance at it and applied to a variation of different unis, thank god, I got accepted to many universities, which is good, but I always wanted the ones in the higher leagues, because I worked so hard all those years, sacrificed a lot of my social life, endured years of toxicity and fighting with my piece of shit classmates, worked late many nights and didn’t sleep properly, probably sacrificed years of my lifespan from the stress, I had many extra things going for me and my SAT scores were really high, so I believed I can get accepted there, little did I know that wasn’t going to be the case, there were many rejections from these ivy league universities straight up because of reasons that weren’t even my fault and this time I can say it with the fullest of confidence. Where I got rejected from some of them, saying, “academic standards not met" without specifying why and saying the standard “We get many excellent qualifications” bullshit, i.e. I got told to fuck myself, and I was livid-still am-about it, meanwhile some universities demanded an acceptance test, and unfortunately it didn’t go well, because many of the questions were in topics in which my school straight up took out and removed from the entire curriculum we had, for context, my school was a Private school, but they adopted a certain curriculum and in the curriculums in 10th and 11th grade they removed certain things they considered unimportant because they saw 10th and 11th as preparation for 12th grade, due to the fact that 12th grade is the most important year out of all school in my school system, where you could literally be a monster in kindergarten to 11th grade but be shit at 12th grade, that could cost you everything, but so not only is the education system shit, the school also removes shit that is important for entrance exams just because it won’t reoccur in 12th grade and most of it is in the 10th grade, in addition, the curriculum didn’t cover certain topics that would be asked in the entrance exam, so all that piled up caused me to not get the best mark in those exams, either causing me ultimately to get rejected or put in foundation year. Now granted, I still got accepted to multiple universities, very good ones, but it hurts me deeply that I couldn’t get the win in the ivy leagues, my initial goal, after so much sacrifice and hard work. Now, finally to the most recent one that bothers me a lot, and it genuinely hurts me, is my 12th grade result, which genuinely caused me to be so angry and resentful, let me explain. I have finished my 12th grade finals after 15 days of pure hell where I literally didn’t sleep any day before any exam(don’t worry I would sleep after the exam finished), and my diet probably consisted of a shit ton of coffee, some energy drinks and various other stimulants, to the point that if I didn’t have a nutritious meal in a while(even before the exams), and after I finished my finals feeling literally broken, where it felt that my body was like a building that needed reconstruction, flash forwards to a few days ago where I got my result and man I cannot out into words how angry, bitter and disappointed I was at myself because of the result to the point I went to a massive fit of rage where I did a lot of things then I slept for a bit, but the sleep itself wasn’t even sleep, it was more of a state of limbo between sleeping and not sleeping, it was pretty bizarre. it could have possibly been my brain trying to solve the "problem”, maybe due to the fact that during sleep, the human brain attempts to “solve” certain problems that happened yesterday, like a let’s say you’re having a hard time beating a certain level, then you decide to leave the game so you can sleep, then you wake up the next day refreshed, then you magically beat the whole level.Maybe my brain was trying to do something similar, but anyway, after waking up still pissed and bitter at myself, my family said that they were surprised by my reaction because they said it was an amazing result and they were genuinely serious what they said that, even my distant family was surprised by my reaction. The result itself is considered amazing where its higher than 98% to 95% of students, but to me, it was shit in my opinion, and that I was leagues better than this, because of how hard I worked and how much I sacrificed in terms of everything and because I know there are other people in my class who I know I can destroy-and some I did before-probably have achieved better than me or are capable of achieving better than the result I got, so the level of disappointment and self-hatred that was in me was unreal. But I know the reason for the result, it’s because I got nuked in one subject in the final exam, a subject which I lost 1 mark in it in the 1st semester exam, meanwhile everyone got smashed so to speak in it, the reason for me getting “nuked” is that I wasn’t able to finish the subject on time due to how large it was, the “organizing party” for the exam didn’t give us enough time to prepare, and it wasn’t only me. every.single.student didn’t finish until we reached the testing center, no joke and it was more fast revision and reading than actual studying, so god knows what happened to the others, who knows they might’ve got nuked more than me, but I made the mistake during studying for it in the testing center, which there was a certain topic that I only read the summary of, big mistake, I should’ve just looked at the topic briefly, but the problem is that, the marks lost couldn’t have possibly been linked to that topic alone, because the amount of marks I lost because of this exam was, I would say pretty large in this one exam alone, so it that’s the more bizarre part and what makes it worse is that, even if I ran it back, I don’t think I could have finished it, and it pisses me off so much that either way I’m fucked, it’s like being driven to a slaughter and what sucks about it, I don’t know if the “reason” for this that I mentioned before is an actual reason or just a shit excuse given to me by my brain so I can cope.
What hurts me the most about these experiences is that, although I worked my hardest and gave out my best, I still get fucked in the end so to speak, meanwhile everyone else gets rewarded(accepted to an elite position whatever it may be ),It makes me genuinely bitter and resentful at life to be honest, where my brain goes “why can’t I have that, I literally did everything I could to the point of sacrificing my health” and what pisses me off even further is that Im constantly water boarded with things that remind me of my failures online, where I see things like 12 or 7 year olds who are physics professors, where they literally were born with super intelligence without having to work hard for it, meanwhile me, I got fucked, just because I didn’t have the right genetic mutation at the right time. it genuinely pisses me off, or when I see uni acceptance videos, and those make me fume ,because I know I did everything in my power yet I got rejected among various other examples that remind me how much of a failure I am . I feel life is like a rigged game, where a lot shitty people get away with their actions meanwhile I and many other people get fucked over in a lot of things, like genetics (intelligence, height, etc.)and it pisses me off to the point that it makes me want to just become a horrible person to everyone around me and made me more cynical than before you know, to the point that its making close to sympathizing with a lot of degenerate and disgusting actions that people who want to get back at society do, and that’s horrible and disgusting, many of these actions are disgusting and immoral and I don’t support them one bit, it just hurts you know, the fact there are people who are tall or more intelligent based on genetics or that you could work as hard as you can, give everything away, yet still get fucked over in the end.
Another problem that I’m having is that, every time I try to keep my mind off this situation by trying to enjoy myself via trying to escape and unwind (listen to some music, etc…)with any form of media that I discovered before this situation happened, I get reminded of it, and what’s worse it’s that I am afraid I cannot ever disassociate between a lot of the great things I discovered before in my life and this shit incident that happened in the 12th grade and it sucks you know.
This is the end of my very long post, hope you got anything positive from this really long story, here ,have this nice picture to finish things.
