Yesterday I talked to my mom about my suicidal thoughts, and when I was done talking, she said: “Suicide is very selfish and self centered and the people who do it are only thinking about themselves.” I told her that I think it’s kind of selfish to take someone’s depression(I don’t have a medical diagnosis, but I show many symptoms) and make it about themselves, and she said something about how it was bullsh_t, and she has felt suicidal before, and that I’m only not killing my self is because “I know it’s selfish”
Sounds like your mom is not the person who can help you. I think she is misinterpreting some teaching that she received in the past about suicide.
Depression and suicidal ideation very often leads to an inability to see anything beyond one’s own pain. Some people refer to that as being self absorbed. I think your mom took a step further, and decided to call it being selfish. If you were to drop a brick on your foot, for a time, you would be aware of nothing except your own pain. Does that mean that the pain has made you selfish? Hell no! Like physical pain, emotional pain can dominate the mind. There is nothing selfish about it.
It’s important that you talk to someone who can help you come perhaps a counselor or therapist. At the very least, look for someone who can listen without making negative judgments. Don’t put it off! Things won’t get any better if you do.
@Wings worded it so very well already and I agree wholeheartedly: your mom doesn’t seem to be in a position of understanding, at least not the way you need right now. I’m sorry she reacted that way. There’s something with suicidal thoughts that make us self-centered, indeed, but there’s a huge difference between being overwhelmed by what’s going on in our mind and being selfish.
There is so much shame surrounding suicidal thoughts already, and you don’t need to be blamed for struggling somehow. Depression isn’t something we choose or ask for, and there’s as many depressions as there are depressed people. It’s normal for your mom to consider her own experience as a reference, but she also invalidates everyone else’s experiences by limiting herself to her own past. Just a human tendency we all fall into sometimes. Though I hope your mom will learn to be more open to your experience in the future, so she can understand more what’s going on.
In any case, your voice deserves to be heard. Unfortunately, it’s also a matter of finding the right people and places where you’ll be heard and understood, without any judgment. You can count on this place right here to be one of them. Anytime. But please, don’t let this interaction with your mom discourage you from reaching out and sharing what’s on your heart. You’re not wrong for feeling a certain way, and you don’t need to stay alone with those thoughts.
You’re mom is essentially restating a very common, though dated, response to suicide.
I don’t think most people have an idea of the ‘progress’ made in recent decades concerning mental illness. You don’t need to go back too many years before you’d find medically endorsed crap information. The research just wasn’t there to address mental illness. There is still SO much that is either misunderstood, or just flat out unknown.
You’ve demonstrated courage in speaking up about your feelings to your mother, I hope you acknowledge that, because I can’t imagine that was easy for you, but keep reaching out, find the ‘right’ person to talk to, preferably someone with experience in prevention.
Part of life is learning to cope with it, all our experiences are different, but our emotions are shared. Sharing our emotions, especially our emotional pain can be very healing, like being released from a strange bondage, so please continue to reach out, being mindful, that not everyone will understand, that you may need to talk to more than a few people to find the person you can connect with and really trust with your feelings. Peace
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