Suicide was my way out of a childhood trauma that

[HeartSupport_Fans]

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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
Suicide was my way out of a childhood Trauma that im still dealing with 62yrs later . At 9yrs old i was molested for the 2nd time in life this a 38yr old neighbor lady who on Day 2 gave me A 10mg Valium this began 53yrs of active addiction that ended a mere 10 days ago. Being very possessive and not allowing me out of her sight i soon moved in and could not do find my way out for the next 6 yrs until Dec. 4 ,1976 when Guitarist Tommy Bolin lost his life and all the newspapers ran an accounting of his last days . He walked into a bar ordered a Double Martini knicked it back and fell off the barstool was helped upstairs and was fiund dead the next morning. " Thats It " ! I made my plan , and carried it out . It obviously didnt work but i got what i needed to escape her web. I lived in fear those 6yrs , her husband began changing buying guns n knives , joining a Motorcycle gang , etc. everynitght i went to sleep on their livibg room floir scard to death i would die in my sleep. I was a full blown addict by age 11. My life has never been " easy " that everyone thinks . Being adopted , i met ny real Mom at age 40 . After finding her there was the obvious question. We went for a drive and to my horror , she pointed to a 40yr old scar on her mouth she described a 2nd date where she was punched in the mouth and violently raped producing a child. I struggle with this fact and this is where suicide screams to me to come and join . I listen to " Fade to black " and it calls me . Right now im here , i have ne fuckibg clue why tho…i dont

[Riverbats]

What you just described is terrible. You have every right to feel the way you do right now. Addiction by itself is a hard enough monster to have living with you your whole life, but, buddy, what happened to you… First of all, I have to say it out loud: you did not deserve this. The absolute terror you must have felt as such a young child. I would have understood your need to find opiates to take away the pain and horror, but you were given that by your abuser. It’s abuse on top of abuse on top of abuse. I know the way addiction keeps you is by telling you you are worthless and that this is what you deserve. It blinds you to anything good so you see the only good thing is the thing you are addicted to. I am so proud of you for finding a way to end that addiction. One day, 10 days, 19 days… whatever you get through is such an accomplishment. I understand your feeling that ending things is the only solution. When you’ve been through what you’ve been through, it can make sense that you can’t see anything good to keep trying for. You sound like a really strong person. You reached out here and I can’t help but think that means you believe there are people out here who want to help, who think you’re worth it. You said it at the end - right now you’re here. I have a clue why. We’re here to listen. I hope you see this. We want to help you see the possibilities in front of you. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

[DyllonKG]

Hey my friend. I want to start by saying that I am glad that you’re here. I am glad to have heard your story.

In your post you describe a series of events that started at your childhood. Abuse, fear, trauma, unending questions and little resolution. A whirlwind of questions and a call from a void that seems more welcoming than this life often has.

I am so sorry. No child deserves what you went through. No woman deserves what your mother went through. But I also know that hearing that or reading those words doesnt make the pain go away. That the emotional side of your brain can drown out the sounds of the logical side of your brain. And that the call to the void can be the fan to that flame.

In my life, I was subjected to a few traumas - but in a different way. More quiet and coercive neglect and emotional withholding. Significantly different than what you’ve gone through. But even still, I spent many of my years resisting the urge to be done and seek peace.

When I finally went to a therapist to try and unpack stuff - i went through several over the course of a few years. But when I found one that stuck, one that challenged me and gave me homework, she told me something I’ll never forget. She said something to the effect of “trauma and the things done to you change the physical way that your brain functions. But we can also help to revert some of those changes”

For a long time, that suicidal urge to want out was so loud and strong. And I just sort of thought that would always be the case. And I was so influenced by my childhood that I wasn’t particularly pleasant to those around me. I was tough to be around - to say the least.

But, 5 years removed from that therapy, and I’m still alive. And more often than not, I am glad to be alive.

This isn’t a resounding endorsement for therapy - while it worked for me, different people work in different ways. But what I will say is that you deserve days where you wake up and are glad that you did - the same way that I did.

No matter what path your life takes, it isn’t too late. It isn’t too late.

I am proud of you. For your strength and perseverance. For sharing your story. For being vulnerable.

If you need us - to vent or to listen - we are here. I am not sure where your road leads, but I hope we get to hear more about your journey.

Hold fast my friend