yknow, none of my days are especially great and just breathing is exhausting, but today is so, so much worse. I feel like I can’t breathe at all. My heart keeps on racing and i just want to cry but like always, i can’t. I can only seem to cry when i get traumatised or whatever. I can’t stop thinking about killing myself and how nice it would be, to just do it. My wounds are fading and healing too, and holy hell it triggers me.
Although something good is, that i have a therapist appointment in a few days. I havent spoken to him over a month and I think I really need it right now. I told myself, I’ll try to be more honest about myself and how my suicidal thoughts keep getting worse(or maybe just talk about them to begin with, since I never admitted that i have them, to my therapist).
Hey there @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease I’m sorry that you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how hard it is. Please remember that it always gets better, change can always come and you don’t have to be stuck in this place forever. It might be hard right now but down the road you can look back and be proud of what you overcame. I’m super happy to hear that you have a therapy appointment. Being open and honest is extremely difficult but I believe in you. Hold fast, tommorow is a brand new day.
I’m wondering how you’re sleeping. I am not good at sleeping, and it really affects my mood. With a lot on your mind, the added stresses can be a problem too.
Until you get in to your therapist, I’d encourage you to use all your ‘self-care’ techniques to get centered within yourself. It’s SO important that you nurture yourself when these rough days are upon you. Important to eat well, and sleep enough, exercise etc.
You say you’ll try to talk to your therapist about your suicidal thoughts, try to be honest with him. I can totally relate to this, as it was too hard for me. But what ended up happening, I have a great psychiatrist, is he picked up on my evasions, and we talked about my struggles with trust and being honest about my feelings.
I really recommend you discuss how your feeling, but I also know how difficult that struggle was for me, so I offer this suggestion as a way to … get to honesty with your therapist.
I’m so glad to see you here, and so impressed with how willing you are to share with others. Be Good To YOU. Peace
Wish I could give a good answer to that, honestly. I can’t remember when I last woke up and actually felt well rested. Most nights, sleeping is for me just closing my eyes and opening them again a second later, but it’s next morning already. I rarely recall having a dream, and most of them are nightmares anyways. And my mother keeps telling me she hears me at night whimpering?? So I’m guessing I have nightmares a lot more than I can actually remember lol
I went through a time where I was getting about 2 hours sleep a night. My doctor got me on some meds that helped me sleep, which helped but was kind of like sleeping after drinking too much, not that restful. Anyway, one thing that has become more and more clear to me as I’ve been working on healing, is how little I ‘cared’ for me. My needs were never considered as a child, so where would I learn to care about them as I grew up… I started thinking that I had to put in more effort on what was good for me, like sleeping.
I’ve got this whole sleep ritual I go through, which includes as much time as I can to just wind down. Low lights, rain sounds, diffuser, and breathing and light stretching exercises. The stretching is because, of all my past trauma, I’m in a constant state of tension. I unknowingly try to make myself smaller, by contracting my shoulders, and such. It is one of those coping mechanisms I used to get through life. Anyway, the stretching helps to release the tension I carry in my body throughout the day.
I would suggest working on getting good sleep, as being sleep deprived can really mess with your thinking, and how you process what’s going on around you. Being clear headed can be a challenge in the best of circumstances, so I hope you get some sleep. Keep staying connected. Peace
