I wanted to share with people on this forum a bit about my story and trauma therapy journey:
I was born with birth defects, and a doctor inflicted a TBI on me the day I was born.
After about the first year of life and almost dying frequently that first year my brothers and I were subjected to my first stepdad’s drunken rage quite often. At the age 6 some homelessness made me end up with my stepmother who did just about every kind of abuse to my full blood brother and I, including brutal beatings, emotional, sexual, intentional starvation, intentional neglect, and torment. After 12 we were taken out of the home and put back with my mother and stepdad. 15 years old I hung myself and was taken to a mental hospital, then subjected to group homes, then foster care for my last 2 years of school. By 17 I was getting high and 19 I started using meth briefly until I almost OD’d on it and decided to quit all drugs. All the nightmarish stuff from childhood haunted me for years and I slowly learned to control it. I ended up living with a roommate that was emotionally abusive towards me constantly and all I’d do was play video games and isolate. One day after 8 years of his crap I got sick of that life and left. After a series of events and faith trips, I ended up back in that home, but I was changed for experiencing life outside my little world. I did a lot of volunteering and helping out, but I still couldn’t get rid of these “violent mood swings” as they were called, and the rage ones were homicidal and scared even me, so I sought help through Mental Health Services.
I went through some tests and was found to have PTSD, but that didn’t exactly fully fit with my symptoms, so I dug deeper and found 2 years later that there was a branch called complex PTSD which fit me perfectly. Armed with this knowledge I was able to work with a trauma counselor to deal with my rage issues through EMDR and brought the rage down quite a bit through it. I was 37 when I started EMDR.
Camp Fire Incident
November 8, 2018 the day Paradise became hell, a day I will NEVER forget, pretty much my whole town burned to the ground. People don’t get that there is so much more to a town fire than losing home and things. I lost people to burning to death and to leaving and never talking, writing or anything again. I knew a lot of people, so it was like they had all died. The missing board, seeing burnt bodies, so many horror stories, seeing how close you were to death because the deadly fire was just behind the trees and the sky kept getting darker until it was black as night. So many horrible things happened in the fire and as the months went by. Then almost 2 years later my mother’s town burns in the Bear / Creek Fire Incident and almost kills my mom and a couple of my siblings, as well as a family friend. Also, covid had made me homeless temporarily again because my roommate here in Arizona died on me. I received apathy and cruelty from my so-called new friends in all of this.
Since 4-19-2017 I have lost 58 people, whether family, friends, neighbors or people I knew, but wasn’t so close to. Cancer was the most common, only 1 to covid, a couple car accidents, a bunch of other health issues. One friend just dropped dead, and nobody knew why. She just said she was tired and went to bed and died on 1-1-2018.
If it weren’t for my new and current trauma counselor, I don’t know how I would have ever survived this hell of endless hardships. She helped me through my fire trauma and so much grief. She is still helping me with my extensive abuse because it takes a lot of time to deal with so much childhood trauma. She has been a very positive influence on my life and has helped me feel like at least someone cares. Don’t be afraid or feel you are weak if you need to seek help for your trauma, grief or for any reason. It takes more courage to swallow your pride and admit you need help than to hide behind drugs or sex or whatever else you use. There are so many treatments out there, don’t give up on yourself. You are worth it!