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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to a 45 by Shinedown
“Swimming through the ashes of another life” hits me hard. I recently realized how many of my problems stem from my inability to cope with the end of my childhood. I feel like I’m stuck in a past long over, stuck in a space that does not even exist. It hurts.
There is no doubt that you have been trying your best to survive so far, friend. It’s okay to give yourself credit for being here today, for doing as you can with the means that you’ve had over time. Actually, it’s very strong to see and acknowledge what hasn’t been functioning for us and what doesn’t serve us anymore. It hurts, but it’s also a brave awareness to have. It’s like being at a crossroad with different optoins in front of you. The doors are not closed anymore, and you see that there is a different path to walk on in order to reconnect with yourself more deeply.
I don’t know how your childhood ended, but for what it’s worth I feel the words you have shared, with you. As I grew up I used to be told that I was very “mature for my age”, which I was proud of. But as a grown adult now, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it was not a personal quality, it was the result of traumas. I had to be more mature, a grown-up before becoming an adult. A part of me still to this date grieves the things that were not and should have been. The sense of safety that has been missing. There’s a wounded inner child in me that I’m learning to look at and to take care of, and maybe this feeling of longing over something that doesn’t exist and make you feel stuck, is also the manifestation of your own inner child and past wounds.
It’s a challenge to learn to reparent ourselves. Especially when it feels like we didn’t receive the tools we needed to get there. It’s confusing, disheartening, and there is a huge component of grief in what you’re experiencing. There is something profoundly transformative too, and as lost as you might feel right now, I want to reassure you that you will find your way, friend. And at the other side of that road, there is you. Parts of you that have been waiting for you, for your attention, for your love. You will feel again, even if the journey takes time. I believe in you wholeheartedly.
-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff