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Ten steps back and heart broken

I don’t even know how to start this. I moved back home recently, for myself and partially because the man that I love told me he wanted me to. As soon as I got back he started avoiding me. Without going into a ton of details, he made it sound like he was in love with me one night, started blowing me off constantly, and then two weeks later had a new girlfriend. That he had just met. At first I found it funny because I really did think he was in love with me and just didn’t know how to be in love or how to express it. I also know too much about him so I assumed he picked her because she doesn’t know him.

That happened two months ago. I kept applauding myself because instead of being torn down, I started going to the gym consistently, working on starting my business, and just doing things that were good for my mental health. I told him to not talk to me again because this isn’t the first time he’s done this to me. The worst part is that he really was my best friend. He’s usually the person I’d talk to about what I’m writing about right now. And now I have no one who understands, who will just listen, and who wouldn’t freak out about what I’m about to say.

Tonight I was trying to get some clarity from him, most of which he doesn’t even have clarity on himself. And I just felt sick. I’ve felt sick and drained all day. I Fell to my knees and cried in the shower. I felt punched in the gut. How can someone go from being about to tell you they love you, to saying they don’t even know why they were going to? How do you treat an actual friend that way? I asked him if he loved me or hated me because I honestly don’t see any other option as to why he could treat me the way he does. His response was that he’s never hated me and to not look into it too deep.

I feel like I took ten steps back on my mental health within less than an hour. I’m not suicidal in the fact that I want to take my own life. But I’m not going to lie, I use to think a lot about cars hitting me, or taking a new allergy medication and having an allergic reaction to it (I’m allergic to everything). Those thoughts are coming back and fast. I don’t force these things on myself, but I wish they would happen. Sometimes I feel like people’s lives would be so much easier and better without me. I know that I get annoying because I ask so many questions and feel like I need an answer. I feel like I’m going crazy until I have clarity. I was going to talk to my mom or grandma about it, but I don’t want them to think I need to go see someone. Plus, how would I even tell them that sometimes I feel like life would be better for everyone if I wasn’t in it?

I know this probably doesn’t make a ton of sense because I left a lot of details out. I’m mainly scaring myself with how fast I began to decline today.

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Hello, something similar happened to me but the guy actually told me he loved me and we were going to be together forever, only for him to travel to another state and get a new girlfriend and yes he did also blow me off and never told me. I had to find out some other way. When people do things like this it really just shows their character and has nothing to do with you. This sort of behavior just shows they never really cared about you in the first place. Usually, when a person shows you who they are you have to believe them. I guess it’s normal that you feel a little let down it’s good to just have a little self care and keep on being positive. Sometimes things like this happen, I’m sorry you had to go through it but you most likely can do better than him and it’s good to hold on to thoughts like that. You deserve someone who would tell you they love you and act in accordance with their words of affirmation.

I agree. I mainly just feel stupid for wasting five years of my life thinking he loved me and was just too afraid to admit it. The most difficult part is that he really was my closest friend and the one person I told everything to. I know that I’ll make it through this, it just scares me how much one incident can make my progress flip.

I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. I’ve been more or less in your shoes, and I know the feeling of your stomach going into freefall. You can know it’s nothing you did, but the question still remains: why is this happening to me?

I can offer you two pieces of advice:

  1. This will pass. It doesn’t make any sense. It feels like he used you. You feel betrayed. You feel alone. It all hurts like hell because it’s fresh. But if you keep going about your business, it will eventually get better. Force yourself to go to work, go for walks, eat, etc. You don’t have to pretend to be happy, but if you are an active participant in your life for at least part of the day, you won’t drown. There is no timeline for mending a broken heart, take whatever time you need, but don’t drop out of daily life, as hard as it is to keep it up. The difference between my depression in crashing and burning at school and getting my heart broken was that at school I stayed in my dorm 18 hours a day, while after the heartbreak I still had to go to work and take care of my dog, so there was a lot less collateral damage after my heartbreak.

  2. Your mental health hasn’t been reset to zero. There have been 2 instances this year where I had days of acute depression that scared the hell out of me, but I posted here to ground myself, took some time off, and was back to “normal” after about a week. As well as you’ve been doing, you haven’t lost it all. You haven’t lost going to the gym, starting your business, and doing good things. You’re in pain and shock, which are normal and healthy responses to what happened; and with a few days of rest and a little bit of extra effort, you can ease back into your routine, even if you’re still hurting. You’ve accomplished so much in the last 2 months, and he can’t take that away from you!

As for him, he may be in some kind of crisis himself. He’s recklessly chasing lust, the high, the dopamine bump of something new. It doesn’t excuse his behavior and it doesn’t diminish how it affected you; just remember that you weren’t the issue in his life.

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