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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Daddy By Korn
That loop you’re talking about (rumination) is my hardest part. I’ve still not been able to express my abuse from over 30 years ago with my therapist.
Rumination is such a hard thing to unwire in our brain. Our spirals and past memories haunt us and replay again and again so much that they feel like the truth. Next thing we know, we find ourselves years down the line believing the lies and hurts we ruminate in that trying to believe anything else feels impossible.
As someone whose struggled with depression and an eating disorder for the majority of their high school years, I know how hard it is to try and rewire your brain. I would be told that I needed to gain weight, that I was sick, that people loved me, I was beautiful, and all sort of affirmations. They all slid right off of me and I could believe is that I was worthless and overweight. Rewiring my brain took years, and sometimes I still have to make the conscious effort and strain myself to make sure I don’t slip.
To feel stuck in your past and not be able to move forward is such a hard thing, we want to say it, why can’t we move forward? Why won’t our feet move? I wish that these issues were a quick fix, something that a deep breath and a quick motivational speech could tear down and we could find that freedom. I wish it worked that way, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean that it’s impossible.
You do not deserve anything that happened to you, and I am glad that you are here and you are alive. Read that sentence over and over again until it starts to feel less like a positive quote, and something that I truly believe about you. It is true, I am glad you are alive and I want nothing more than to help you fight this hurt and to heal your heart.
I never thought I would be able to completely face my inner demons and confront them, but slowly and surely they shrunk. Do they never hurt me? No. Do they not exist? No, but I am still here and I found strength from those around me, strength in myself, and that feeble amount managed to keep me going.
Give yourself grace my friend, you can’t rush a beautiful thing. I know that you will eventually find yourself able to open up, face the lies that you ruminate in and be able to feel the rays of hope on your face. I don’t know when it will be, but it will happen. Keep taking this day by day and know that you are loved, I’m on your side <3
When pain has been done to you, it feels even crueler when we don’t have the language to express what has been done to us. How could anyone ever understand the abuse we have endured? How can anyone relate? It starts to feel so hopeless and then we get stuck in this loop of rumination, as you said, where we can’t escape our own thoughts. Our mind can become its own prison where pain bounces around our skull and reminds us of the hurt we can never express. That is so defeating, and it feels hopeless to keep fighting.
I have had a history of not being able to talk to people about what I’m struggling with. The pain I feel seems like something I need to bear myself, like there’s no way to possibly express to anyone what I’ve endured, so I shouldn’t even try. I’m better off alone with my pain. Life has given me this burden and it’s mine to bear, simple as that.
I think of Jonathan Davis in this song. The way he speaks about his pain, and the vulnerability and rawness you can hear in his voice, they seem so real and authentic. But there’s obviously so much pain there too, right? The trauma, the memories, the hurt that might never completely go away. It’s all there in this song. Even when that trauma had ruminated for years in his mind, he found a way to express it and share in the experience of pain from abuse with others through music.
By sharing what you have dealt with, I can relate to that feeling of rumination too. The fact that we can both relate with similar feelings, even if we have not endured the same abuse, points to the truth that you are not truly alone in this. Your mind is not your only friend. Your bubble of pain and hurt is not all there is to you, my friend. I know it can feel like that so often, but the simple fact that you are able to say that you don’t have the words for your pain puts you in the same boat as so many others fighting alongside you. Even when language fails and we can never fully process or describe our pains, we can take comfort and hope in that truth that we are not alone in that rumination. That cycle of distressing thought patterns is not all there is to us, and through music and discussions about songs like these, we can slowly begin to heal through knowing we don’t have to figure it all out on our own. You are not here alone, my friend, and you are loved so much more than it might feel most days. Thank you for being here.