In one month I let go and let God. Since that choice I have the dream job I’ve wanted since I was a kid at the exact company. My all time childhood hero is my boss I talk to every other hour some days. I’ve been elected Chief Operations Officer of the company and will soon own 16.5% of the company. When I was growing up in the system I was told I would never ever work in the body armor industry. I was told to accept my status Quo and be nothing but an addict on the system the rest of my life. I now am achieving my dreams. This Friday I am flying out from my hometown I returned to after a career ending injury in the army. From the path of a Green Beret to the path of CEO and millionaire I’m on now. 4 months ago I was homeless living from couch to couch bridge to bridge. I would go days without eating. Now we do 7K in sales a day. I went from a nobody to a man of soon to be large importance. I will soon be running a warehouse for the company I told I would never be good enough for. Now I’m an executive at the company. I went from having to walk an hour to a food pantry just to eat, to having a brand new truck, and never worrying about starving again. Growing up I was raped, beaten, starved, isolated from everything and everyone. I didn’t see the sunlight for over a year. When everyone else was in school, playing sports, hanging out with friends, being a normal kid; I was taking a near lethal doses of anti-psychotics, anti-epileptics, stimulants, anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and beyond the allowed dose for even an adult for sleeping meds. I lived in a 6x4 room with just a bed. I didn’t speak to anyone for over a year because I had completed treatment. I was kept in solitary confinement essentially. Felons had more rights than me, when I simply wanted to die due to worse treatment than any murderer in the United States. Jeffery Epstein had more freedom in prison than I did at 16-17. I was told I would never be anything. Now I sit in a position to have more power than any of those workers or “professionals” who dehumanized me ever can have. However I will not use my power for harm, but a message to the youth in those systems that when they do all of the terrible things to break your spirit, isolate you, institutionalize you, kill your hopes and dreams, that they are fucking wrong. The worst way to torture someone is to break their will. SERE training and torture didn’t have a Goddamned thing on what they do to innocent children. I simply want my story to teach and show those in positions of oppression that you don’t give up. You can think about it, you can say you want to, but you don’t give up. You’ll just let them win. Now yes, do I wish I could see those workers who starved me, put me in situations where I am so hungry that I would literally kill another man just to eat, get raped, be beaten, isolated and have every single fucking freedom taken from me, yes I do want to see those workers given the utmost cruel and unusual punishment physically possible. Because as I type this post, those same “professionals” are still in their positions. If they did it to me I can only imagine how many beautiful souls they destroyed. How many endless possibilities and limitless futures so many kids could have had, they crushed. I can’t wait 6 months from now when I come back to my hometown in my brand new Audi, in a handmade suit, with my private security ready to serve them their papers for their crimes against humanity. I already have a team of lawyers and private investigators building that case every single minute of every single day. I don’t want money from the state. I want punishment for those workers. Because if what they gave me was “just and fair” when I was removed from a neglectful and abusive home, then I don’t even believe what was done to me is even close to fair. I have learned that so long as you hold true to your goals, and passions, you will prevail. Those who stand against you shall fall and crumble to the pits of the disgusting and disease ridden depths from which their evil comes. I have no room for forgiveness until they have had their judgement by the law of the land. And I will not forget until every child is freed from the monstrous and oppressive stranglehold of the State and foster care agencies. 6 years ago today I told that worker that one day, I would see she is dealt with for what she has done to me, she looked at me and said, “I’m not worried a single bit. Not like you’ll ever be anyone or anything. You can say whatever you want but I’ll keep doing my job and you’ll be nothing but a welfare funded addict. It will be a cold day in hell when you can.”
Well Mrs. Willams, it’s awfully chilly isn’t it.
An interesting post, man. On the one hand, tremendous triumph – a Cinderella story where it feels like you were finally lifted from this underworld of oppression you couldn’t seem to break through, and then vwa-lah. Hope rises, and you’re in a new stratosphere of security and influence. And on the other hand, it is unveiling a deep hatred and desire for revenge that poisons the gift you’ve received to a place of arrogance and violence. Could I ever pretend to know? Absolutely not. Zero chance I could ever know what you’ve gone through and couldn’t pretend to know. I’m not coming at this from an angle of – I know what I would do in your shoes…probably the same damn thing. But I do know from my own life that unforgiveness and revenge feel like power on the front end but turn out to be poison on the back. Here’s what I do know: proving to the people that put you down that you’re now in a position of power actually strips you from power because what you’re saying to yourself is, “In order to feel strong/capable/powerful/etc, I have to prove it to them.” In essence, you’re saying, “I am not strong/capable/powerful until they see it.” Vengeance says, “Something out there will fix what’s wrong in me.” But external change almost never changes what’s inside. Believing that their demise will sate the fire inside of you will prove to fail to quench the hurting places in your soul. One of the beautiful things about “letting go and letting God” is that you can do that here too. David from the Bible had the opportunity to exact revenge on Saul…if you don’t know the story, David was a shepherd (lowest of the low) that God plucked out from the pastures of insignificance and said, “He will be the king of my people.” The king at the time, Saul, was the highest of the high and hated the idea of someone taking his position. He tried to kill David and hunted him for years. David lived in caves, away from all he was promised, all his securities, all his comforts. In a lot of ways, you have a story like David’s. And one day, when Saul was searching for David, his army was passing by a cave, and Saul went to take a piss in the cave, and it was actually the cave that David was hiding in. So, trousers down, totally vulnerable, David had the opportunity to kill Saul, and he chose not to because he believed that God promised David the position as king just as he had given Saul the position as king, and he refused to tear down what God had set up. So he continued to run and hide when he could have killed Saul because he believed that God would take care of the details in His timing. And, as history goes, Saul ends up getting wounded in battle and falling on his sword, and David rises to power to become the greatest king of Israel – not because of his power but because he was always willing to yield to and draw near God. You have the opportunity to in your moment of greatest power yield to God and reap a benefit of intimacy with Him that far outweighs any type of manufactured vengeance. Closeness with God is what heals the brokenness inside; sating revenge never will.
Do I know what this looks like or know what kind of cost it takes for you to try to turn the boat around on your anger? No clue. But as a random internet friend I can confidently say that what you’re truly looking for…wholeness…a life where you feel free, joyful, peaceful, complete…isn’t on the path you’re taking. It will only cause more damage to yourself. And damage to yourself ultimately means victory for them. Rising above the game, rising above the anger, towards God, into healing, into wholeness…that is true victory.
And I pray that God would bring you into that victory.
-Nate
WOW. That’t one hell of a story. I see you want to see justice be done for the people who hurt you, but you have to realize that causing them pain will never make you feel better. Forgiveness is the right answer. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. Forgiving is the only way you will ever find peace. I will pray for you.