I’m just writing here because I usually feel better after I write out what I’m feeling.
Lately I’ve been feeling down, depressed, trapped, stuck. And despite all of these terrible feelings I haven’t been able to cry. You know how sometimes, you just need a good cry? I thought maybe if I could just cry and get it out then I might feel a little better. But no matter what I did or what I felt, tears would never come. Until last night.
Immediately after my husband and I had sex, I broke down. The entire time I was trying to hide the fact that I was reliving awful memories in my mind, and as soon as we were finished, the dam broke. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just started sobbing - awful ugly crying where I couldn’t catch my breath. I kept apologizing that I ruined everything by getting upset. And I did, I ruined the mood completely, but I am so so proud of my husband for knowing exactly what was wrong and knowing exactly how to comfort me. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and was whispering in my ear that I was okay and that I was safe, and that he wouldn’t have been upset at me at all if I had spoken up before, that he never wants to hurt me or upset me. I could barely speak through the tears but I managed to say “But its been so fucking long. I should be over this by now.” But he reassured me that it was okay and that it was normal, and that some things stick with us for a long long time, sometimes forever, but it was okay, I was okay and I was safe with him. He held me tight for what seemed like forever just whispering into my ear how much he loved me until I finally calmed down, stopped crying and felt okay again.
I am so thankful for him. Not only is he so sweet, comforting, loving and so much more, but he takes such great care of me. Lately I’ve been really sick, and then I sprained my toe and have been hobbling around ever since, but he has made sure that I was taking my medicine and keeping my foot elevated, tucking me into bed and spoiling me. I love him so much and I am so incredibly lucky to have found him. I don’t know what I would do without him.