So it seems the two main women in my life (my mom & my sister) and myself have the worse learned behaviors that are toxic asf at this point. My toxic trait is if I do not feel like being bothered then I go unbothered. I don’t answer my phone or set it to DND, and I set my social media to offline. I do what I do because some days I cannot handle dealing with other people’s shit when I don’t even have a clue what’s going on with myself. Now if I am with my mom and my sister calls me, I don’t answer then my sister calls my mom. That’s where my mom’s toxic, yet helpful, trait comes in.
My mom will answer the phone and tell my sister that I am working or something. She’s the queen of lies and deception so it’s just a point of keeping up with her story. Mother’s day, I was with my mother (the day/night after my sister and her fiance called everyone between 2-4am because they were fighting) and my best friend as well as her family. I never asked my mom to tell a lie, but she did so I went with it because nothing good would have came out of “I was ignoring and mom lied for me.”
Well the last few weeks (maybe even a month) I have been asking my sister to do my hair for me. Hell, at one point she offered, but she keeps putting it off stating that she’s busy. Well of course today I text my sister and asked if she could still do my hair tomorrow as we had talked about. She texted back and said she had some jobs to do so let’s wait for another time. I knew another time meant it wasn’t happening. Well my sister then calls my mom, not knowing my mom was in the same room as me, and tells my mom that she’s not busy tomorrow and even wanted to hang out with my mom tomorrow.
Well that fucking hurts because why not tell the truth, but in the same breath, oh well because it’s not like I’ve been a telling her the truth about missing her calls. Only difference is I am trying to avoid her drama, so why is she trying to avoid me? What really popped into my head and made me question everything was if my mom told me the truth about my sister has she been flipping and doing the same thing with my sister? I mean like is she lying to my sister and then telling her she lied and placing blame on me saying it was my lie even though all I am doing is avoiding things that I know is going to make me snap?
All I know now is I want to be the idiot to post an indirect status on Facebook, but then reminding myself that’s just fucking stupid. The past few days I have been drawing back into my self-isolating mode where I don’t want to be bothered by family or my friend. Honestly lately, I just been trying to concentrate on my desire to have a partner/boyfriend/SO/what-tf-ever. I’ve been trying to find someone I can spend my time with who is oblivious to my life and just wants to be with me for me.
I’m over the deceptive games even on my end. I am tired of ignoring them because I don’t want to deal with the drama and I don’t want to cuss anyone out. But by god, I feel alone because I can’t find anyone I genuinely WANT to be around. The fact that talking to my therapist yesterday was the best part of my day is just fucking sad.
thank you so much for sharing this with us. this sounds like no easy task to juggle the lies of your family and to have their own situations sit so heavily on your shoulders literally in the middle of the night. you are doing a great job with what you’ve been given. boundaries (even temporary ones) and self-care are two of the biggest suggestions i can give to you on maybe easing the stress they bring to your life. i hope by doing those two things that you are able to focus on finding a partner because having someone like that will absolutely ease this situation and give you something happier and more hopeful to look forward to. i want that for you so badly, especially after reading your story. i’ll be cheering you on and look forward to hearing your progress. you got this, my friend.
Hey there friend! Sorry to hear it’s been a bit of a rough patch with your mother and sister. I hope that you know that taking time for yourself is in no way a bad thing. On the contrary, the first step to feeling better and and more able to deal with other people is to take care of yourself! I’m not sure if you’re reaching out to a professional about it, but it you aren’t it could be a good place to start. They could help you set up a routine for yourself that can incorporate into it time to relax and have a bit of a breather from the family! Also, forgive me if I am making assumptions, but it sounds like your mother and your sister can be difficult people to talk to. Do you think sitting down with them and discussing what’s been going on, what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel would help relieve some of the stress? If so, that would be a great thing to build up your courage to do! I hope you find someone who can be a support to you! We love you! Keep fighting.
Thank you my friend. I try desperately to separate my problems from their, but at times it can be difficult, especially when I’m not given the space I need even after saying “I need space.” The main issue has been my sister and her drama. My mom and I have had many differences, but as of now we are on the same page about my sister. It’s just messed up that she told me about my sister’s lie. I would have much rather believed my sister had something going on.
As far as the boundaries, I find myself placing more and more and setting so many has been exhausting to the point that I have given in to self-isolation. I thought about writing letters to the people I love to express my words, concerns, and intentions more clearly because sometimes when I am frustrated with talking to people I cry and they blame it on my mental health and not recognizing the point I am trying to get across.
Also I am hoping that this person I am talking to and having stay-in date nights with is that person I am looking for. It’s a breath of fresh air that he didn’t start sexualizing anything. He’s taking the time to get to know me and it’s not the usual type of guy I look for. He’s a few years younger and a foreigner and speaks a language I am now relearning.
You have made no false assumption because it is true. They are very difficult to speak to. My sister gets offended by everything even though she herself can be offensive and my mom, I feel like she still sees me as a child no matter how successful I am as an adult or how old I am. She also is the main one to blame all of my emotions or concerns on my mental health.
I have tried sit downs with my mom and dad and each time, it has failed. They tend to justify everything they say or do and do not care to let me express myself. I even once told them I didn’t like them treating me like a child and my dad screamed at me to stop acting like one. I was fresh out of the hospital from a mental breakdown. As I stated to Twix, I may write out letters to my loves ones because I hate confrontations and sit downs have failed previously.
i love and respect how you are able to know your exact limits in having difficult conversations by writing those letters to your loved ones. if you know you need that type of explicit boundary to be established, written letters are a fantastic way to introduce it.
i’m also so happy to read your thing about the person you’re currently talking to. sounds like an amazing match for you, someone who will treat you with the love, respect, and admiration you deserve!! wishing y’all the absolute best as you continue on in this new relationship <3
I appreciate you discussing my post. I would like to address the fact that I did not post without question just because I felt I was in the right. Yes, I was avoiding conflict with my sister by not answering the phone. My sister’s problems have been many times discussed and she gets extremely defensive even when family are coming to her to help her. As I stated my mother lied and I never asked her to. I have tried setting boundaries with my family members but they disregard me. The point is that I did not want to go off on my family members because I know I have anger issues and they were flared the past week on that week. I guess when I said I wanted to be with someone who’s oblivious to my life really meant I have no one to talk to in my family. So it’s just my best friend who hears me. I also have found someone to share my time with and he does not mind my mental health and feelings. He does not tell me to hide them and things such as this.
