So it seems the two main women in my life (my mom & my sister) and myself have the worse learned behaviors that are toxic asf at this point. My toxic trait is if I do not feel like being bothered then I go unbothered. I don’t answer my phone or set it to DND, and I set my social media to offline. I do what I do because some days I cannot handle dealing with other people’s shit when I don’t even have a clue what’s going on with myself. Now if I am with my mom and my sister calls me, I don’t answer then my sister calls my mom. That’s where my mom’s toxic, yet helpful, trait comes in.
My mom will answer the phone and tell my sister that I am working or something. She’s the queen of lies and deception so it’s just a point of keeping up with her story. Mother’s day, I was with my mother (the day/night after my sister and her fiance called everyone between 2-4am because they were fighting) and my best friend as well as her family. I never asked my mom to tell a lie, but she did so I went with it because nothing good would have came out of “I was ignoring and mom lied for me.”
Well the last few weeks (maybe even a month) I have been asking my sister to do my hair for me. Hell, at one point she offered, but she keeps putting it off stating that she’s busy. Well of course today I text my sister and asked if she could still do my hair tomorrow as we had talked about. She texted back and said she had some jobs to do so let’s wait for another time. I knew another time meant it wasn’t happening. Well my sister then calls my mom, not knowing my mom was in the same room as me, and tells my mom that she’s not busy tomorrow and even wanted to hang out with my mom tomorrow.
Well that fucking hurts because why not tell the truth, but in the same breath, oh well because it’s not like I’ve been a telling her the truth about missing her calls. Only difference is I am trying to avoid her drama, so why is she trying to avoid me? What really popped into my head and made me question everything was if my mom told me the truth about my sister has she been flipping and doing the same thing with my sister? I mean like is she lying to my sister and then telling her she lied and placing blame on me saying it was my lie even though all I am doing is avoiding things that I know is going to make me snap?
All I know now is I want to be the idiot to post an indirect status on Facebook, but then reminding myself that’s just fucking stupid. The past few days I have been drawing back into my self-isolating mode where I don’t want to be bothered by family or my friend. Honestly lately, I just been trying to concentrate on my desire to have a partner/boyfriend/SO/what-tf-ever. I’ve been trying to find someone I can spend my time with who is oblivious to my life and just wants to be with me for me.
I’m over the deceptive games even on my end. I am tired of ignoring them because I don’t want to deal with the drama and I don’t want to cuss anyone out. But by god, I feel alone because I can’t find anyone I genuinely WANT to be around. The fact that talking to my therapist yesterday was the best part of my day is just fucking sad.