Back to heartsupport

The Deeper I Go

Okieeee so lately I’ve been REALLY thinking about getting back into self-harm and that scares me. Like in my brain I feel like it would be a good thing because I just want that control. But I know that it would be bad if I did it because of obvious reasons. But I just…I wanna have that urge go away. I want to have the feeling of control fulfilled. I don’t want to break my streak. I’m SO close to 2 years. But I feel such a strong need to. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it off. I don’t know that I can bring it up to my therapist either. I don’t want my parents contacted because I’m in danger. I really truly don’t think that I’m gonna do anything anytime soon. Because of things coming up it’s stopping me from actually going through with it. I wouldn’t have an easy time hiding the marks if I did. But I’m scared that if I don’t get it out somewhere I will eventually do something with the thoughts I’m having. I don’t know how far I’ll go with them either. That shit’s terrifying. I’m trying so hard to deal with it on my own, but it’s so damn hard. I want to just have a break from this. I want a mental break from what runs through my head constantly. It’s so exhausting.

6 Likes

Hi @FaeTheProud I’m really sorry you’re having such confusion right now.

What kind of control are you getting?

Think back almost 2yrs and ask yourself why you stopped hurting yourself. You know that hurting yourself won’t help you one bit. It’s just going to add more BS to your life and isn’t going to make you feel better, it will make you feel worse.

What have you done all this time to cope? Use your coping skills and distract yourself.

If you’re in therapy, it’s very important to be completely honest with them because if you’re not … then you’re not going to get better. It won’t work for you. There are adults in your life that love you and want to keep you safe. This is a good thing and you shouldn’t look at it any other way.

You can do this! You’ve almost made it 2yrs! That’s so freaking awesome!

4 Likes

@FaeTheProud
First off thank you for coming to the wall and showing others it is okay to struggle. Mental health is a continuing struggle that sadly we cant run from. We can never run and hide or get away from what is our issues.

I pull this quote because it points to a lot in my own life it is this constant battle of having to feel like I am not good enough because it wont go away but let me say this that is okay our brains are build differently and struggling of any kind whether that be good or bad things are very tough and it is very easy to forget that we arent alone in this exhausting hurting spot. Personally I have had to have people specific to things that help me out of them.

I am sorry this is a tough situation for you and that you are having to deal with this in anyway as mental health is draining. I know you dont want to talk to your therapist but I want to say what plans do you have to help in these times like safety measures.

Hold fast
Ash

4 Likes

Hey @FaeTheProud
Wow, thank you so much for sharing.
Firstly I want to say that I’m extremely proud of you. It’s not easy to have these feelings and thoughts and still not give in to them. And also being harmfree for almost 2 years? That’s incredible! I hope you have been celebrating that for yourself.
Now that being said, I can feel your struggle from the words you use. I’ve been struggling with this myself lately and one of the things that have been keeping me clean is also the fear of having to explain it or someone seeing something. I know how difficult it is to have to explain. It’s one of the reasons I reinstalled the Calm Harm app and have been trying to keep my focus on learning new things that also require energy. Running, cleaning the entire house, running a cold shower. I’m not saying that it’s a miracle cure, and I’m also going to need to talk with my own therapist about these urges because it’s exhausting to keep finding new coping mechanisms.
I’m proud of you that you keep going on! I’m proud of you that you share your struggles here. I’m proud of you for being vulnerable! And I’m proud of you for taking this one step at the time. You got this!
You’re loved!
-Nyntje

3 Likes

From: Micro (Discord)

Dear Fae, being so close to two years off self-harm is certainly a huge stressor to you at the moment. Two years represents a lot, lot of energy spent in a battle that is absolutely worth it, because it’s about your well-being there. If you feel like you are losing sight of the reasons why you have started to break down this cycle, then I’d like to encourage you to reflect on those reasons again. During times when you’ve hurt hurt yourself, you were without a doubt feeling guilty afterwards and wanted to stop feeling trapped because of it. As hurtful as it was, don’t forget those moments. Don’t push them away just because the temptation is high. You know what all of this implies, and how much it costs you in the long run. The mechanisms of such addiction are very strong. But you’ve been proving to yourself for such a long time that you are ABSOLUTELY capable of leading that fight. Not just one day or one hour, but for almost two freaking years! You are going to get there. You can do this, friend. As for your therapist, I would like to encourage you to talk to them about it. If you didn’t have the opportunity yet, then this new milestone could be a good time to do so. Just to let them be part of that healing process, as they are present for you and can support you through this to. Your reservations regarding your parents are understandable. But you absolutely use the space you have in therapy when it feels like there isn’t anywhere else. We are SO proud of you, Faae. I know this is a tough battle that happens to be very intense when the urges are there. Don’t let this little voice trying to convince you with illusions. Your body and your heart deserve all the love, care and gentleness of the world right now. Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

Hello FaeTheProud
I can definitely relate to what you are saying. The urge to do something that I know is bad for me but the urge is so strong and you have to fight it but at the same time dont want to alarm anyone because nothing bad has actually happened yet. Even tho you might feel like this it is not good to fight this fight alone. Try to tell your therapist. They wount judge you and they will help you find a direction and ways you can battle that urge.

You have said that you dont want to self harm because of obvious reasons. Sometimes it is good to write down what those resons are and why they mean something to us. It is a very good reminder and a good excercise. Another thing that comes to mind is to find ways to release the tension in you when the urge is unbearable somehow. There are methods how to do this like cold showers, doing excercises, go running or using the red pen. There are others you can find that might help you. I am going to post a video here about those. Know that you are on the right track and you have managed to battle that urge before. You can do it again. I believe in you. :wink: Self-Harm and Self-Care: Tips on How To Cope - YouTube

4 Likes

From: SuchBlue (Discord)

Hi @FaeTheProud I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time right now. First, you have no need to be afraid to open up with your parents, or reach out to a therapist since you are in need. It’s crazy how you’ve been able to stop for 2 years now, and I’m sure you can keep it going with enough confidence and courage from the people around you. It can sometimes be very hard to hold on and stay on the streak, but you can definitely keep it going if you try to do something that makes you happy in life, and brings you joy. I believe in you <3

4 Likes