Last night I posted about my depression from a breakup but I never told the larger story. So in this post I will now tell the whole story now that I am more awake and able to type on my computer, which i prefer. I came for little to no harsh judgement, because I will be saying things that I did as well because I was also in the wrong. This will be pretty long so just a warning. Just to recap, i’ll paste what I posted last night:
“I have had the worst times in my life since my recent loss. Well not to recent. I was talking to this girl, and unofficially dating her for around 7-8 months. I fell in love. Around 6 months she randomly started taking longer to respond. After it happening for around 2 weeks, i had a breakdown over it and out of anxiety i blocked her on everything. A couple hours later i unblocked her and i begged for forgiveness because i felt bad that i just randomly blocked her. Ever since then its been a mess. For the past 11 she has been playing with my feelings, manipulating me and bringing me down and recently i just ended all communication with her. I would go more into detail but i don’t like typing on my phone. I’ll give more detail another morning when i am on my computer. Right now i just need some support, or even someone i can video call of some sort so i can get my sadness and anger out.”
Here’s how it start. When TikTok started getting popular in 2018, i got it as a joke. I made edgy, offensive videos because at the time, people were using that way. I joined the bandwagon and made edgy videos, as jokes of course. I ended up hitting around 4k followers before I visited the hospital in January of 2019. I visited the hospital because my depression and regret was getting so bad. My regret came from how I acted. I refer to this time as “my old self”. Before the hospital, i was having many problems on how I acted towards people. I was dealing with so much drama, trust issues, and betrayals. This lead me into being a complete asshole to people without any filter. I gave up on myself. There would be times where I would tell people to kill themselves because I got mad. This was going on for around 3 months until one day at work I had a breakdown because I was thinking about my trust issues, my broken friendships, and the deep regret of how I acted. That night my mom drove me to the mental hospital where I stayed for 3 days. While in the hospital, there were people there to help me work on how I acted and how to move on. They also put me on some medicines, which I don’t remember. I got out of the hospital feeling very positive. It felt like it was a life changing experience and I was confident this positive mindset would last the rest of my life. A year later, I came to find out, it wasn’t me. It was the medicine. The medicine they gave me put a fake smile on my face. It manipulated my mind into thinking that I was happy, when reality, I wasn’t. Anyways, I got out of the hospital and gave a deep, heartfelt apology to all the people who I hurt and threatened, and overall I got a positive response. I was able to make friends to all those people. With this new mindset came a choice. I would end my time on tiktok. I would stop with the edgy and offensive content. So i made one last post telling everyone that I was leaving. Since i knew some people still wanted to keep contact with me, I left my snapchat in my bio.
I got a couple people to add me when I left it. One day, in February of 2019, a girl named Selin added me. I didn’t know that this was the start of a toxic relationship. Selin was a girl all the way from Turkey. Being from the USA, that is very far. Some people would find it crazy to have not only an online relationship, but a relationship with a girl from Turkey, a different continent. I can promise you guys that this girl was not a catfish, or someone to take my money, because in our almost 2 years of knowing eachother, shes never mentioned wanting money or any other thing from me. Selin was a short turkish girl, with black hair and literally was 8 days younger than me. Her birthday was a week after mine. My first interaction with her was a few minutes after she added me. I was with my step dad, in this popcorn shop, where there were plenty of wacky popcorn flavors. She said “hi” and shortly after and quickly it turned into a conversation. She sent a photo of herself and I found her pretty cute. She told me where she lived, and some things about her. These conversations were about every day. Soon enough, i started developing feelings from her. Something about me told me that she was going to be the one. Around a month in, I already felt as if i loved her, and she felt the same. She would draw things for me, send cute messages to me, and constantly flirt with me, but something in me didn’t want to accept that I loved her. This stressed me out to the point where I wanted to remove all my online friends from my life. I talked to my therapist about this and he also recommended it. After a few days of thinking, I made the final decision to partake into that action. I told Selin that for my mental health I would have to remove her off of snap and completely stopped talking to her. This broke her heart, and mine as well. I cried multiple times because of it. Once I removed her, I automatically felt empty and went many nights thinking of just her. I couldn’t accept that I fell in love with someone online, in another continent. It felt crazy. It felt like everyone would judge me for it, because it sounded very silly. It got to the point where I was crying because I couldn’t talk to her. The medicine that manipulated me into having a positive mindset was also wearing off. Around a week after the initial removal, i decided to add her back and I spammed her with messaging apologizing a bunch. I was also worried that she ended her life because she expressed to me that she had very bad depression and family issues. The morning after I added her back, I woke up with a response from her and I was so glad to see that she was still alive. If anything, this sparked us to be closer. Around 2 months in, I did something that I have regretted the whole relationship. Since my mind didn’t want to accept that I was in love with her, I continuously flirted with other women while me and her were in this unofficial relationship. This flirting lasted a week, but everyday i continued it, i felt guiltier and guiltier. Until one night I had another breakdown and told her everything. I couldn’t stop apologizing to her because I felt so bad. After that incident i never did it again and i was thanking god that she didn’t leave me and she forgave me, or as i thought. We started facetime every night, we started playing games together, and even started making plans to meet each other. I could tell Selin was in love with me at this point because she went as far as getting a Visa to come visit me, after months of work. She proved to me that she had this Visa, with all this information on it. This is what locked me in with her. This is what made me feel obsessed with her. I have never had a genuine girlfriend, I never had anything physical, and me thinking that at some point I would physically meet the girl of my dreams, locked me in. She even planned to go to college here just so she had more of a reason to live in Iowa (where I live). She talked to her parents and I about a hotel, we discussed everything and it seemed as if it was going to happen. The biggest problem here is that I never told my parents about this girl because I was scared. My parents have known about my past online relationship which really bought me down, so I was afraid that they would force me to not talk to her. So I always kept Selin a secret from my parents. I told Selin that I would officially tell my parents when she was traveling here, because I know my parents would then accept it, because they know its real. This was all during school so we would wait during summer for it to happen.
Summer came and I was pretty excited. I was confident that I would meet the girl of my dreams. Summer time was when we were the closest, in my opinion. We had all the free time to talk to eachother since school was over. There were ups and down, some incidents that happened over the summer that I will be telling about.
I get jealous very very easily, mostly because of my past relationships where i got cheated on twice, ever since then I lost trust for a lot of people. One night I was facetiming her and we were talking about music. Her favorite band was Twenty One Pilots and i could tell she crushed on one of the guys. She told me about how cute one of the guys were, and this really triggered me. It got me very very jealous. It hung up the call and basically ignored her the rest of the night. About 15 mins later we called again but the whole time I didn’t say anything. To this day I wish I could’ve just forgiven her. I got mad at some stupid reason and there was no reason to ignore her the whole night. I felt terrible.
Another incident happened when I went to Wisconsin Dells. One night at Wisconsin Dells, I was overthinking while she was asleep and I had another breakdown. I was thinking of just drowning myself. I went near the beach and stared at the water for around 30 minutes, ignoring all of my families texts. The police came looking for me because i was marked missing for around 10 minutes. I knew what I was doing. I knew i was ignoring my family, but i just really wanted to end it there. Eventually, they found me and i was bought back to the hotel room my mom rented. Someone at my family reunion there happened to be a police officer and a therapist type guy and we talked about it and we felt a lot better. Of course I felt down the whole night. Once Selin woke up, i messaged her telling her what happened and how I felt. I told her i needed to facetime her, and we did. The night i fell in love with her even more because i felt so happy i was talking with her.
Because I had therapy every week, I used that time to improve my relationship with Selin even further, because something we got into arguments about stupid shit. Therapy really helped me act around her and one day she was like “I feel so safe around you Dalton”. This made me feel so good because I knew I was improving.
For some reason, I was unconsciously impatient. I don’t know why I did this, but I told her “if i don’t see you this summer, i won’t talk to you ever again”. Even though I knew this wasn’t true, I did it to rush her because I really wanted to see her. Again, I don’t know why I did it and it was a very terrible move on my part. It was stupid and immature and I still hate myself for doing it. Once summer ended, I told her that I was serious about how I wouldn’t ever talk to her again. I found out this really stressed her out, and I felt terrible.
Senior year started, this is where everything went downhill. We were both busy a lot, but what she did really broke me. After about a month into school, she randomly started taking a lot longer to respond. This really triggered my insecurities. I had many thoughts such as “is she talking to another guy” “am i annoying her” “does she not love me anymore”. One time, I saw she was online on instagram, even though I sent her a message 20 minutes prior. I confronted her and was like “Why are you online on instagram but ignoring me” and she said that “she accidentally went on instagram and my grandma was calling me” which i doubted. After around 2 weeks of her ignoring me, or taking forever to respond, i had a breakdown. This was the point where I momentarily blocked on her on everything for a couple hours. I deleted every photo of her, and cried over it. After thinking of it for a few hours, i regretted what I did. I unblocked her and begged for forgiveness and told her I had a breakdown. She didn’t forgive me. The whole night I was spamming her saying sorry and she was leaving me on read. I couldn’t stop crying. She was saying “I don’t need love anymore” and “this will never work out”. I am still surprised to this day that she ended our relationship because i blocked her for 3 hours. Though what I did wasn’t right, i find it silly that she’d end a relationship over something so small. Its not like i cheated on her again, or did something absolutely terrible. I had a breakdown and she never acknowledged it. The final chapter of this relationship is how she has been manipulating me, playing with my feelings, and bringing me down. For a few days in a row, I begged for forgiveness. All she did was leave me on read, or leave me on delivered. It took so many messages for her to finally say “everything will be ok soon”, which is the first time she played with my feelings after my breakdown. After a week of waiting for everything to return back to normal, I again had another breakdown and starting apologizing and spamming her again. I kept seeing her online and not responding to me. I confronted her about this and she said “I am busy with school and family issues. I am always online because I am texting people about school or i’m texting my family.” This excuse never made sense to me considering how often she was online. I highly doubt that someone would be online this often, just to talk to their school or family. Besides, your unofficial boyfriend is literally having a breakdown, he is crying over you, and ignoring him is just so shitty. She kept trying to convince me that “Things will get better”. After about 2 weeks, I had enough. I was so depressed and anxious over her. I attempted suicide. I was spending the night at my grandmas and told her that I was going to attempt to overdose. And I did, but it wasn’t enough. The overdose didn’t work. When she woke up and found out that I did it, instead of supporting me, she insulted me. The only support she gave me was “I will message your mom if I have to”. But everything else made me feel even worse. She turned me overdosing into about how breakup was my fault. She started accusing me of using her, she brang up how I cheated on her, and she brang up every single thing she didn’t like about me. She showed me her dairy and how she wrote stuff about me and how I sometimes stressed her out. This was the most pain I ever was in my entire life. I was so stressed I was screaming into my pillow, scratching my forehead until I bled, and ripping out hair. My face was red, and I almost went for another overdose. I don’t know why I didn’t end our relationship there, oh wait, i do. She continued manipulating me. Over the past 4 months, these events went in a loop.
She would promies me that everything would be ok, and everything would return back to normal.
I would feel better about myself for about a week
I would have another breakdown and question her again
And this loop happened every. Single. Week. I told my therapist and he really convinced me that she was using and manipulating me, because everytime I was dealing with pain, she wouldn’t care, nor respond. But everytime she was in pain, I was always there for her. She went as far as saying “I love you” again. She would say “I may come to Iowa” and “im so glad I met you” and so many others things that would just convince me that everything would go back to normal at some point. This manipulation has been going on for around 11 months now. 11 months. Every time this loop happened, I felt more lost and more down. I could tell she was using me. One night, she bragged to me about her guy friends, knowing it would make me jealous. She even sent me a group photo of her and her guy friends, which made me feel so incredibly jealous and left out. It was very very painful and made me feel sick to my stomach. A few months ago, I went to the hospital again, and I stayed there for around 3 days. Before I went in the hospital, I warned Selin that I wouldn’t be able to talk because I was going to the hospital. She asked why, so I said “I have had very suicidal thoughts and i can handle it anymore”. She started apologizing and I knew it was bullshit. I lied and said “It isn’t your fault”, and after that message, my phone was taken away and i was in the hospital. It was a terrible experience, unlike the first time. The food was always cold, they moved me to another section of the hospital after I made friends with the other patients. I was so anxious and they kept wanting to give me medicine to which i was said no. If anything, the hospital made my anxiety and depression worse, the only good it did was stopped me from ending my life. I was also anxious to see what Selin responded with. To my surprise, she left me on read. Selin left me on read after I told her I was about to kill myself and how I was so down in live. Nothing made sense anymore. I looked into every excuse she gave me, and none of them made sense. She would tell me “the reason why I am online so much is because i have school and family” but once Summer time came this year, she was still online and ignoring me. So that excuse was a lie and was invalid. More evidence is that shes always hanging out with a friend. If you only use Whatsapp for school and family, how do you make plans with friends. She also used to tell me that she always felt down because she always argued with her friends. If you only use Whatsapp for school and family, how are you always arguing with your friends. Most recently, she told me she felt super down because her friends told her she was too clingy. This is what made me so incredibly angry. She has been telling me for so many months that she was busy, in which why she couldn’t message me. But I come to find out that you’re friends think youre too clingy, which completely disproves your excuse of “I only use whatsapp for school and family”. I asked her why she acts the way she does and she said “I have anger issues and bad depression”, but there were times where I was like “I act like this because I have mild autism and depression” and she told me that I can’t use those as an excuse. So why can she? Then she gave me another excuse that read “A reason that I don’t text you much is because you’re always talking about your mental health, i just want to talk about normal things.”
The problem in that excuse is that, if she ignores me for a whole week straight, of course once I get to talk to her again, I will talk about how I feel because you’re the one constantly putting me down. There are so many inconsistencies in her arguments, which is why I made the final decision a few days ago, to finally stop talking to her, a choice I should’ve made 11 months ago. I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore and ironically, this is when she responds instantly. She only responded instantly because she didn’t want me to go, she wanted to keep me so she could use me. She only wanted me because she knew that I would be the only one who would sit through her bullshit and take it. But I had enough. I was not going to let her manipulate me and use me another. I couldn’t get any answers out of her since she ALWAYS would avoid them. So I sent this final piece of writing before I stopped all communication with her:
“Why is that?
You complained about how no one will ever love you, but also said that you don’t need love. Why is that?
You always have time to argue with your friends but you never have time to solve your problems. Why is that?
I’ll text you multiple different things, you ignore me, and once i text you about something else, you disregard all of the previous texts. Why is that?
You claim you either have no friends, or you don’t like your friends, but you’re always hanging out with one. Why is that?
I always admit to my wrong doings but when i confront you about yours you cuss me out and insult me. Why is that?
***You blame your anger issues and depression on why you act the way you do but when i say its my depression and autism, i’m not allowed to blame them. Why is that? ***
Your friends get mad at you for being super clingy towards them, i thought they weren’t good friends. Why am i your only friend who you aren’t clingy towards. Why is that?
***You say you only use WhatsApp for school and family but who’s online 24/7 talking to their school or family. How else do you get into arguments or set up plans to hang out with your friends. Why is that? ***
You deny everything. Why is that?
A couple months into our relationship you hid your “last online status”. I knew nothing about WhatsApp because i never used it and your last online status was one of the main things i remember. Why is that?
A couple days before we split, i confronted you about how you were online on Instagram for so long but you weren’t responding to me. You said it was your grandma/grandpa calling you, even though it was happening for a while. Why is that?
You lead me on, saying stuff like “I love you” multiple times. You convinced me that our relationship would be fixed multiple times. You said “i wonder when i’ll come to Iowa”, you mentioned how you brag about me to your friends, and how your friends ask about me. You mentioned you still get jealous over me. Why is that?
***You randomly bring politics and my mild support for this candidate and it gets me extremely anxious. Why is that? ***
You blame your depression for not being able to text me back, but its only me. According to you, you only argue with people, which would make no sense because that worsens your depression. Why is that?
***You told me “message me on Snapchat” in emergencies but when i did, you ignored me and then left me on read. Why is that? ***
On New Years i asked if you drank. You avoided it, making me so anxious that i felt sick, ghosted me, and a few days later finally answered me and said no. Why is that?
You accused me of using you multiple times even though i debunked it. Why is that?
***You always avoid telling me the real reason we split. All of your answers have been different, leaving me feeling lost and anxious. Why is that? ***
***One time you bragged about your guy friends knowing it would make me jealous. I mean, anyone with common sense would know i would get jealous at that. You sent a group photo with you and them and bragged about it. Why is that? ***
***You say you don’t always want to just talk about your mental health to me, but the ONLY times you’ve ever texted me first was to talk about your mental health. Why is that? ***
***I tell you i’m not feeling well and a day later i got no response. That day i said “I can no longer speak to you” you responded almost instantly. Why is that? ***
Why is that.”
She saw it and responded with “This is everything you wanted to say to me?”
To which i responded with “Yes, everything I could think of.”
And she left me on read. So I wished her luck, and said goodbye.
That is where the story between me and her ends. There is probably so much more I could’ve said but it would take me hours upon hours to write everything, so i wrote everything that was pretty important. This relationship and experience has broken me. I go to bed every night wishing i would get out of this personal hell. I feel so empty every night because I always feel so unsatisfied with my days. I used to be able to sleep well because i was satisfied with my days, my days used to be, go to school, talk to Selin, go to work, go home and play games, and go to bed. It was an average life where I could sleep well because I wasn’t terribly worried about everything. And then I quit my job due to harassment and terrible hours, I broke up with Selin, COVID happened and haven’t gotten to experience my last day of school nor graduation, and even video games are being boring. I feel so low. I can’t handle this lifestyle anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I wish something would hit Selin to she is aware of how badly she has fucked me over. She ruined my life, but every time i expressed that to her, she never cared. I don’t know what do do anymore.
If you read all of this, you are amazing. Feel free to ask question about anything if youre confused. Overall I am bad at explaining things and telling stories so I won’t be surprised. Thank you for your time.