I finally broke down and came to this site to share a bit of my story and my withering heart. I’m kind of fearful in sharing cause I want to be anonymous but I now have this weird feeling that if I write the way I usually do someone will find me out, ha! It’s kinda funny to me cause I feel like a nobody in a realistic way and in a negative way, and there’s a tiny weak voice that says “maybe someday in the future…” In saying this, I feel like a weird creature, I have hopes that my realism shoots down, and I have fears that my depression uses to drag those hopes into a deep pit of pain. Before I say more I will say I’m a creator. I make music, I write, I used to draw and paint and do ceramics and a lot of those things have been taken from me, and today I am stuck with fear, a fear that I cannot shake.
Years ago I was at a job that caused me an injury, that was when I could no longer draw or paint, and ceramics were taken from me sooner in my life because of money. I’m a child of a broken home and I am stuck… I hate saying that… I feel stuck taking care of my parent who was torn up their whole life by abuse, part was my other parent, and before that it was their family. I’ve lost a lot of things in my life; it feels like. Recently, my music was taken from me because of that parent and financial issues leading to conflicts. Over the last few months or maybe longer, I have felt my heart fading away. I told myself long ago, I guess it was my belief, that I created things to breath life into a dying world. A lot of people did not, and many still do not, understand what I mean saying I will burn out if I keep doing music, or art or what have you “for others.” Right now I think about it and say, giving is one of my love languages… so maybe it is “for me.” Talking about it in that context just makes me feel fed up if I am completely honest.
My latest venture in music made me feel like I could reach more people who needed my voice. Even saying that feels like an arrogant statement. We are all able to be self sufficient beings and I would never advocate for “codependency” even if I have been accused of such, but the reality of the human race is we are social creatures so yes, we certainly do need each other. As time passes, I hear all these voices telling me that my creations aren’t needed in the world and they are excessive and have no value, not spiritually, not physically, and certainly not financially, because I will probably never make money off of the things I love to do. I’ve never wanted fame, nor recognition, but I think everyone wants to be appreciated.
For years I felt invisible and people took me for granted. Eventually I flushed a lot of people from my life who turned their back on my family when we needed help the most. I get it, depression isn’t fun… I get is poverty isn’t fun… but l honestly thought they cared enough to see me through to the end of rough times. I came to realize that it’s okay to push people out your life. I hear this a lot about “toxic people” but I would always feel like I am the toxic person and that is why people always disappear. I’ve had to hold back and reserve my natural tenancies to be nurturing and empathetic and as depression sets in I feel like… they’re getting replaced by numbness or heartlessness. I feel my real self fading away and my heart of a healer feels raw and beaten down.
Right now I have a server and it doesn’t feel safe for me. I really want to purge it of people who I don’t think are there to support me but I am not sure what is making me hold back. I feel very much used like a toy with the demands I’ve had in such a small scale and I don’t want to set the precedent for my music and my server. Maybe I’m afraid of how it will look, or I am afraid of people asking why, bad mouthing me if they don’t understand or if I handle it badly and then it leading to out-casting others in the future like a bad rep, or simply evil cruel people retaliating cause I am not sure who to trust and who I let in these past few months thinking it would be a safe place for me.
I easily care for people but as I am fighting to even love myself these days I cannot keep myself surrounded by people who don’t care equally as much and I think that is why I want to get rid of them. I guess it just feels morally wrong. There are some burdens I choose for love’s sake, like my broken parent who is now under my care and whom I wish I could get sufficient help and healing, but there is little room in my fading heart to give much more.