The love of my life killed himself

I spent years feeling unworthy. Spending too much time in the wrong relationships just for them to drain me. Drain me of all that I am, all of the love I ever had. Drained me of even my own self love. I spent a year telling myself not to fall in love again. Not to let anyone in. To focus on yourself.

And it worked. Until i got a new job and met the love of my life. Which is pretty bold to say. I was drawn to him instantly. Its as if our souls were literally connected. He wasted no time introducing himself and asking me on a date. But of course, by my own stupidity… I turned him down. But that didn’t stop his persistence. We became friends, good ones even at that. But there was more to us, everyone could see it. They all knew. I liked him, so much. His charm, his awkwardness. The way he carried himself. His selflessness. His laugh, smile. That huge, HUGE, heart. He was perfect. An actual angel. And I was so unworthy of the love he had to offer.

We had so much in common. He was in college to become a registered nurse, where as I was dreaming of being in the medical field. He took up art as well, just as I did. I showed him my personal writings, he shown me his paintings. I was open with him. I let him in. I talked to him, I offered him every part of me. But still, I could not allow myself to love him. I was damaged, ruined and my heart had been broken too many times. I didnt deserve love and I didnt feel worthy enough of his. Every day I spent watching him in agony, loving him silently. Hating myself for allowing him to continue to shower me in love. I wanted him to be happy. Not with another but if it came down to that, I would support him.

Yet he still chased me. He fueled me with his love. Until, he had met someone new. We drifted apart, but were still there. I swore by it. Eventually, he deleted Facebook. He quit work to focus on school. I rarely seen him… I worked 40 hour work weeks and went to class in the morning… Granted it was on the same campus, but our schedules were different. We went days without seeing each other, days without talking. But he continued to show love on Instagram, liking everything I posted - I took it solely as that he wanted me to be reminded that he was there. And I always was. But I didnt need the reminder. I had never forgotten. He messaged me every now & then, and I would reply. Vice versa.

Things weren’t the same and I dont know if he even knew how I truly felt for him. I never voiced it. Even though my actions were clear. I wrapped myself in his arms every day, I talked of the future one day. Just not now. I loved him, but I hate myself for doing it silently.

2 days before he went missing, he added me and a bunch of randoms ( not randoms in an ignorant way but more so, a random picking of his friends… ) to this day we dont know why we were chosen for the group message on Instagram, but we all stopped trying to decipher it.

I got the news 2 days after he went missing, that he had gone missing. I prayed to god every day to bring him home. To send him a different route. To have him answer the phone or see the messages I’ve sent. But nothing. For 2 weeks, my prayers went unanswered. For 2 weeks I was a mess. And then I got the news, that he would never come back to me.

It is now September 12th and my heart is still in pieces. I still feel as shattered as i did when I originally found out. Every day, I fight to get through. I drag myself through work and try to ignore the haunting memories that lurk in the shadows. Every day I take myself to bed and pray for a night without terrors. Without crying myself to sleep. I don’t know how to accept that he is gone because I physically can not.

I am still praying for God to bring me home. I am still in prayer that he is out there, waiting for me to come find him. I am hurting. Deeply. And I don’t know how to do this. I dont know how to tell myself i am okay, and make myself believe it when every night, I am left on my knees begging for god to return him and take me instead.

I am broken. I feel as though I will never be okay. I will never love again. I will never find someone who made me feel as alive as he did. I dont know how to get through these days anymore. I have fought for so long. How much longer until I beat the war?

How do i live with myself when I could have saved him? How do I live with the regret of not telling him I loved him?

How do I live with myself knowing that he died, without hearing me say I loved him, not once. How do I live with myself knowing he died with belief that I didnt love him?

Please remember that while the loss of a good friend to suicide is tragic, it is never your fault. In the end there is nothing you could have done that would change the outcome. Of course it is great to do everything you can to try to help someone, but in the end it’s not your decision.

It sucks to hear that you are going through this with someone you cared so deeply about. I would urge you to try to find the beauty in the tragedy. There is always something positive and hopeful to take away from the most tragic and horrific situations. I don’t know what it is, but I strongly encourage you to keep on the lookout for something like that.

Maybe the group chat that he made was to help bring you all together, knowing that you would all be hurting after making that decision. Maybe you’ll find hope and positivity in a new sense of friendship and community with those people. I don’t know what will come of this, but I really believe something good can.

Please don’t beat yourself up for what you could have done, said, etc. Trust me, it’s not worth it. The quickest way you’re going to get through this is by taking your time to grieve and then trying to find a positive outlook, a light in the dark, so to speak.

You are not alone. Please remember you can always reach out to us here. You are strong enough to get through this. We believe in you.

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Hey friend,
I’m am so so so sorry.
I was in this situation once before too and I understand the absolute agony that comes with it.

I would just like to say this is not your fault. It never will be your fault. There are so many factors to suicide, it is never just one thing, and you may not have said “I love you” but actions speak louder than words.

I’m going to say something, it may sound slightly harsh so I’m really really sorry if it does…
You can’t save people, you can try to help them save themselves but at the end of the day you can’t control them.

I’m still not over the death of my best friend and the love of my life and it’s been over 6 months, I don’t think that we ever get over it, you just learn to live without them and I’m so sorry it has to be this way.

At the moment you are in denial, the sooner the denial ends the sooner you can grieve. This is the bodies natural way of dealing with grief and it’s hard but you aren’t alone and you can get through this.

I suggest reaching out to the people you were put in a group chat and speaking to them and together you can support and help each other through this really rough time.

Give yourself time and take each day by day.
Some days will be bad, some days will be ok, and some days you won’t even think.

The first month is the hardest and I can promise you that from then on it gets easier.
I’m honestly so sad to hear this and I know you are strong enough to get through this extremely tough time.
You are not alone and I love you.

Hold fast friend,
Luna :heart:️

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I feel you so much it actually hurts me too.
I too have watched someone I love suffer. I was with him for five years. We aren’t together now but it was a beautiful time.

Now the fact is you couldn’t save him. Whether you dated or not. You are human too. All you could done was to help him.

Live each day by putting your foot forward and smiling ( or at least try). You have him with you in your heart. You will find love again. But you’ll have to say bye yo him to o find inner peace.

Hold fast