Again sounding like a broken record, Im sorry for last few post I have made, it was from my shadow. When feel that have no control ( for being a BPD) my worst thoughts can feelings come strong. It try do DBT skills to calm them.
I remembering watching the joker, thinking I can relate to villain in someway. Im obviously not trying justify violence or anything in that form. But I know environment we grow can shape and sometime not for the best.
Selfish I do have thing good, with no student debt, a good paying job and a good family. But I get loose all those things and from mental abuse by my teachers and being bully as kid. Also not having best luck and being dyslexic. I feel society just use me as a door mate and just sick being bully.
My teacher told I will never have a girl or friend, you just Peter Pan that refuse to grow up. It put point where thought shooting up people. It seem I know not perfect, and try to be decent. But I see that complete assholes that lie and are nasty to people. But they treat with respect and they get everything they want. And they step on me like I’m freakin animal. Then make judge of me being a fake, weak and creep. But they see other side of me. That what hurts me.
I was those thoughts again yesterday and fucking hate them. It my dark trying take the wheel and just it scare me. Is that who I meant to be, I’m trying these evil part of me, I’m just born evil. I don’t hurt people, I don’t want to shadow to win.
Sorry this very dark topic, but I was scare cause I’m worry losing my job or this coming bite me in the ass. Please know that I don’t plan act of these thoughts, I just get them out my head.