Again sounding like a broken record, Im sorry for last few post I have made, it was from my shadow. When feel that have no control ( for being a BPD) my worst thoughts can feelings come strong. It try do DBT skills to calm them.
I remembering watching the joker, thinking I can relate to villain in someway. Im obviously not trying justify violence or anything in that form. But I know environment we grow can shape and sometime not for the best.
Selfish I do have thing good, with no student debt, a good paying job and a good family. But I get loose all those things and from mental abuse by my teachers and being bully as kid. Also not having best luck and being dyslexic. I feel society just use me as a door mate and just sick being bully.
My teacher told I will never have a girl or friend, you just Peter Pan that refuse to grow up. It put point where thought shooting up people. It seem I know not perfect, and try to be decent. But I see that complete assholes that lie and are nasty to people. But they treat with respect and they get everything they want. And they step on me like I’m freakin animal. Then make judge of me being a fake, weak and creep. But they see other side of me. That what hurts me.
I was those thoughts again yesterday and fucking hate them. It my dark trying take the wheel and just it scare me. Is that who I meant to be, I’m trying these evil part of me, I’m just born evil. I don’t hurt people, I don’t want to shadow to win.
Sorry this very dark topic, but I was scare cause I’m worry losing my job or this coming bite me in the ass. Please know that I don’t plan act of these thoughts, I just get them out my head.
Hugs I’m sorry for your situation. I wish I could say more but with what I’m going through latley it’s been so hard to support people. The best I can say right now is I know what you’re going through and I’ve felt that too and I dearly wish you could have a better experience. You don’t derserve that sort of treatment. You deserve to be treated like the human you are. You deserve love and affection and you are not selfish nor are you evil, you’re wounded. And your wounded part is angry and overwhelmed and seeks vengeance that is hard to hold back and feels so right, your anger is trying to protect your humanity and take back your freedom and right to be treated like a person. It’s tired and it wants control for once, because it’s been beaten down so many times by mindless insane zombies. But as much as feels right, it is not a solution, and I’m glad you’re aware of that. So, instead of continuing to put up with something you are on the last straw of, and being so afraid of losing a job where people treat you horribly, do you really think you should continue it at all? I know most jobs are pretty shitty, but do you think there’s a chance that there’s a better one out there waiting for you?
It’s hard to have a voice sometimes, and it’s hard to speak up about the things you want right in this world when there are so many people dying that voices that need to be heard out, but you are heard here. You are not alone here. You are loved here.
If anyone tells you they don’t have evil thoughts sometimes, don’t believe them. Our thoughts don’t define us. Thoughts are a bit like clouds. Some are light and fluffy, others are threatening, but they’re only thoughts. Of themselves they have no power. It’s how you respond to your thoughts that matters. Your heart helps you decide which thoughts to act upon. Your heart has guided you to a lot of good decisions. Acknowledge your unhappy thoughts, but don’t feel guilty about them. Like clouds, just let them pass through and fade away. It’s possible that the less you react to them, the less often they will come. Give it a try anyway. Don’t be afraid of the thoughts. You’re in charge, and they have no power except what you give them, and you don’t have to give them any.
Hi Friend, you are not a bad person, you have a mental disorder that makes you think a certain way which is usually negative. I’m the same way as you. Being self aware like you are, is so very valuable. It gives YOU the choice on how to act. I have intrusive violent thoughts all the time, but I know that they are JUST thoughts and I don’t have to act on them. I dismiss them and try not to dwell on them. So, I’m proud of you for being self aware and concerned about it. You have power over your bad thoughts. ~Mystrose
Hey Metalskater, Thank you so much for this post, I am actually so proud of you for writing this post. Yes its dark but you have identified a problem, talked about it and made a decison that you do not want this problem to take over your life and I think that is wonderful. With knowledge comes power and you now have that knowledge that firstly going right back your teacher was wrong, you did grow up and you have a good job and no debt, you have bpd that you regularly keep in check and when you have problems you work it out and if you cant you ask, this is all positive, so with all this knowledge is the power to make sure that shadow does not take over and I dont think for one moment that you will allow it to. You are strong and you have support from your family and us. The bad thoughts will come but you have got this. I have faith in you friend. Much love Lisa x