sorry this is really long.
I am attending one of my dream schools and it was the best experience I’ve ever had in an academic setting. It’s very pretty, but it has its flaws. Anyways, I felt fine up until late September, when my seasonal depression kicks in. It gripped me with such force that my life became a living hell. I would wake up, decide if I want to go to class, not communicate with anyone, eat and then sleep. It was a miserable life.
By Mid-semester, I became manic and suicidal. I broke my 6 month clean streak of being self-harm free. I spent money on things I didn’t need (books, especially) and never paid attention to my surroundings. I reached out to several hotlines and got through that. My room was a garbage hoard.
How does campus come into play? The extreme lack of support for students who are mentally ill. There really isn’t any extensive support for students who are struggling. So, knowing that, I kept everything to myself and exploded internally. I’ve been home on break for about a month, but my depression has worsened and I feel like a burden. I loathe every day and I don’t go outside. I have to return to campus this semester, but after I leave for summer, I will never go back. I cannot go through another 8 months (4 per semester) of agony again.
I want to go to community college just to do something with myself. But I don’t even know where to start with that. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this long, dark winter, especially up north. I don’t know why I sunk me and my mother into debt for an education that I can’t even fully complete. I don’t even know why I’m trying. I worked so hard to get into that school and yet, I can’t even do good enough. It’s torture.