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The next steps after this semester // TW self hxrm and s*icide

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#1

sorry this is really long.

I am attending one of my dream schools and it was the best experience I’ve ever had in an academic setting. It’s very pretty, but it has its flaws. Anyways, I felt fine up until late September, when my seasonal depression kicks in. It gripped me with such force that my life became a living hell. I would wake up, decide if I want to go to class, not communicate with anyone, eat and then sleep. It was a miserable life.

By Mid-semester, I became manic and suicidal. I broke my 6 month clean streak of being self-harm free. I spent money on things I didn’t need (books, especially) and never paid attention to my surroundings. I reached out to several hotlines and got through that. My room was a garbage hoard.

How does campus come into play? The extreme lack of support for students who are mentally ill. There really isn’t any extensive support for students who are struggling. So, knowing that, I kept everything to myself and exploded internally. I’ve been home on break for about a month, but my depression has worsened and I feel like a burden. I loathe every day and I don’t go outside. I have to return to campus this semester, but after I leave for summer, I will never go back. I cannot go through another 8 months (4 per semester) of agony again.

I want to go to community college just to do something with myself. But I don’t even know where to start with that. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this long, dark winter, especially up north. I don’t know why I sunk me and my mother into debt for an education that I can’t even fully complete. I don’t even know why I’m trying. I worked so hard to get into that school and yet, I can’t even do good enough. It’s torture.

I’m lost.

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#2

that sounds really rough. Did you see a doctor about this?
It sucks that in the right school but it’s lacking the support you also need.

have you tried any of the special lamps/bulbs and vitamins that they suggest?

Really hope that you’ll be okay, no matter what choices you make for your academic career.

#3

I can totally understand how seasonal depression can pull you into such a hole. How it feels like the sun can’t even reach down there. Don’t answer if you don’t feel like you can or if you’re too private about it, but are you in any kind of antidepressant or any other kind of medications? I’m not giving medical advice, just curious because sometimes a change is what’s needed. I thought for ages that just having a few periods a month was better than feeling it all the time, but a change really helped that perspectives.
Might be worth talking to a professional about.

You’re not a burden and you deserve to be allowed to talk about these things. You deserve the support from your campus too. Would they be interested in talking about it and looking into how to better support their students?

You deserve an education and I’m sure your mum believes so as well. Can you defer at all without extra expense? Maybe taking a break to try to work on your mental health would help?
Having an education and feeling accomplished is a good feeling, but it’s not worth tearing out your self worth and happiness.

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#4

From: micronious

I really feel for you and I hope you are able to be happy. Honestly that’s what it’s all about. I want you to be happy about your life and the things in it. If seasonal depression is a serious force in your life, I believe you really need to get someone to talk to again. It always helps anyways to have someone to talk to. Even more so in those winter months… I hope the healing light shines bright this winter inside you to keep you warm and keep your spirits bright! I believe in you and I am certain you can do anything you set out to do!

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#5

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @salmonpupper I’m sorry you’re having all this happening in your life right now. It sounds overwhelming. For your mental health, have you looked at Campus Services for your college? I realize that it might not be everything you need, but it could be a start. Also, some states like California have state run programs that offer free therapy if you meet the their criteria for mental health. (You can dial 211 for Calif). I hope this helps you and hang in there. ~Mystrose

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#6

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend Seasonal Effective disorder sounds like a dreadful conditions to have to live with and I am so sorry that you had to try to manage that with it seems little help from the school that you were so happy in, I am so disappointed on your behalf, all of these places claim to be so on point with their mental health facilities but that clearly is not the case. The fact that you had to leave because you are unwell is not your fault, you have no control over a condition that you have so please try not to punish yourself because of it. If you had devoloped a a physical condition you would not feel the same. So onto how to get through this winter, I have found selection of self care ideas that can be used to assist you, I hope they are of some use. Much Love Lisa x
Self care

  • Keep your house well lit

  • Sit closer to bright windows both at home and in office

  • Take a walk outside each day

  • Exercise regularly

  • Eat a well balanced diet

  • Stick to your treatment plan

  • Practice relaxation techniques such as yoga, tai chi and meditation

  • Practice music or art therapy

Therapies: Light therapy · Psychotherapy

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#7

From: Micro

Hey friend. I am so sorry that you have been struggling so much lately, yet also incredibly grateful that you are still with us today. It must have been a very challenging time to go through, and reaching out to crisis hotlines has been a very brave step to take. Please keep doing so, and keep reaching out here as well, as much as you need. You are not alone.

I remember struggling a lot as a student, being very alone in my small room, my anxiety and eating disorders. I was a mess, living in a big city full of people, yet alone and unnoticed. It is so frustrating that university and colleges don’t provide more help for the mental health of students. It should be so different. It is not hopeless though, and, right now, your very first priority is you. No matter what, studies have to come after your own health and well-being, and if a break in your studies have to be taken so you could take care of yourself, then maybe that’s an option to consider.

As for now, do you have any family or close friends you could reach out to and explain the situation? It will be important to make sure, in times to come, that you get all the love and support you need. Maybe there are services that could help you outside of your school? I know it’s exhausting to push doors and ask for help, but it will be essential to make sure that you stay safe and can be supported in times to come. We are here too. I’m proud of you for reaching out today. :hrtlegolove:

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#8

From: SuchBlue

I hope that things get better for you. Everyone is different, for some people it can be that bad weather and/or winter can really affect their life and that is perfectly fine. You aren’t any worse than anyone else for being who you are and you shouldn’t feel like so. It’s a shame that there isn’t any support provided from your school to help you. Maybe take a walk, do something that makes you feel refreshed and something that makes you feel happier and more satisfied with your life. You can do this :hrtlovefist: :hrtlegolove:

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#9

I relate to this, being a student and struggling with depression and just life circumstances. I’m surprised your college does not have resources for students for mental health. Have you researched student resources on their website? You did what you thought was right starting this college so be kind to yourself. You did not go there with the intent to just get into debt. Sometimes a break is what is needed. Can you talk to someone you trust and who understands? That may help you decide what to do.

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#10

Just checking in on you. Hope you’re doing okay @salmonpupper

1 Like