Hope all is well.
Thank you for sharing. I felt like I was reading a page out of my own life. I’d like to share with you that we must walk this road. We dont know the reason. But i believethere are always lessons learned from pain. Granted our pain is over the top to say the least. There are times that the pain is so bad . I dont know how my brain doesn’t explode. And boy, oh boy, those pills made me functional. I kept my sht together for a long time before things got really bad. There comes a point when they are no longer serving any good. There comes a poi t when they turn you into someone you dont like. You dont respect. And only we know when we’re at that point. THATS when a strong support system is so important. But I didn’t have that. The reason I was prescribed those meds are because of underlying health problems that I’ve been dealing with since early childhood and have now passed it on to my two children. So I admit myself on two separate occasions. I’ve tried every med under the sun. I haven’t taken any pills for over 16-17-ish years. I did manage to start on the treadmill and from there I got myself back on my feet. Now, ten years later it’s back. The not wanting to “Be”. It just hurts too much. I cry and cry and cry. I cant talk to anyone without crying. At first I thought my friends and family would recognize that I needed help. This isnt me! They can obviously see that. Why leave me when I need you most, these people that "love"me. I’m told how many times are we going to invite you and you say no. And I think, dont you SEE? Turns out that they see, saw but just dont care. When theres no broken bones, physical disease, blood…well, then it’s just not real. “Just not REAL”? Is this who you know me to be? And the guilt, embarrassment, rumination, social isolation & the tears. Oh the tears and prayer. I thanked G-D for any second, minute, hour of peace within myself. I’ve contemplated ending it all but there are a few reasons that I take one breath at a time to get through;
Statistics prove that people who have attempted and failed at taking their own life regret it as soon as theres no way to turn back.
Your life is a gift from G-D. It’s simply not ours to take.
Statistics also prove that if a parent commits suicide the children are much .ore likely to do so.
My soul is going to be in constant turmoil. When I’m gone my karma goes with my soul. Until we resolve we will be tortured. You may get out of the darkness in this life only to come back facing the same demons. I know I have to conquer them I just dont have anymore fight in me. So this shts gotta get resolved in this lifetime!
The Bible says tears are cleansing. Let me tell you, I’m squeak when I walk I’m so “cleansed” lol.
I’m scared and lonely amongst my tribe.
I dont have any answers. But I believe that the answers, revelations, cure is coming. I’m seven years in. I dont leave the house. I’m a former elected official, I dont get out of bed. I coached & worked out 6 days a week.
I have hope. I believe in G-D the Almighty. Every day i pray for strength so i can be a better person for the people around me. I pray for the pain, darkness, sorrow to stop. I thank G-D for my blessings. I KNOW the good. I know the bad. I know what needs to be done. Yet, here I sit in my dark bedroom.
NINETEEN MONTHS!! That’s a long time. Not long enough. We didnt get here overnight and we’re not going to get away without scars. Renewed and new knowledge. Renewed compassion. Keep it up!
There IS a G-D. Called by many different names but a higher power exists. Pray to HIM. HE is listening. I await my next rebirth. I know I’ll be stronger and wiser. Keep on keeping on as best as you can even if you dont know why. It’s just what we do. We’ll find out our purpose soon enough. Continue to do what’s right for in your time of need you will reap what you sow, from the Bible, said much more eloquently, if course. We have to keep reaching, keep hoping no matter how bad it gets. I feel you. I wish I could take it away and set it on fire. For now I watch day after day go by with barely a smile. An occasional laugh. That’s a good day.