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The pills are back... No one understands

It’s been 19 months since I touched any non-prescription drug and alcohol in a bid to try and get my life back, and I feel that very soon, that’s going to be it. I got my hands on some pills that are now sitting beside my bed ready for the next major breakdown… Which has been happening virtually daily.
I’m hurting so badly. No one understands just how extreme this pain really is… It feels like people are just starting to care less and less, which is making it hurt even more. I’m trying so, so hard, but it’s getting harder every day. I don’t remember the last night I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I don’t remember the last day I didn’t just cry in bed for 2-3 hours, screaming at God to just take my pain away, or to bring me home. I don’t want to be in this suffering anymore. I’m attending therapy and being honest, I’m trying to eat right, I’m attempting to reach out, I’ve even started taking myself to a mental health support centre when I don’t feel safe… NOTHING IS WORKING. I don’t know what more I can do.
I’ve never felt so alone or so stuck. I’m honestly just ready to give up… I’m barely functioning. Right now, the only thing keeping me going is the idea that maybe, just maybe, I can fix some of the relationships that have been strained by my behaviour recently and because in the past, after getting into better habits, I’ve started doing them for myself and realising I have some worth and I guess I want to believe that it’ll happen again. This time, I don’t know if I have the energy to care anymore… I just want this pain to stop and being high seems like the only way.

Kayla

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Hey girl I am sorry you are going trough so much right now.
I have been at my lowest a couple of times too, and as you may now it always get better, try doing some breathing exercises and go for a walk somewhere outdoors, a park, a forest, a mountain. Just be yourself and allow yourself to experience the pain; don’t worry about the others, remember you came to this world alone and you’ll leave it the same way, only your God is by yourside unconditionally.
It gets better. You are loved and cared, you deserve life and happiness.

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hey @Kayla,
i know things are bad rightnow but please do not take the pills …
i may not know what exactly your going through but im here for you …
how long have you been clean from the pills ? please keep fighting
please keep reaching out. we love you kayla.
-Ashley

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I love you and I’m proud of you for writing this and for reaching out to me privately. You know I’m here to support you. I hope that you are able to find the strength and courage to get rid of them and remember you don’t need those. It may feel like it when you’re hurting but deep down you know these things will only cause more problems and more hurt.

I’m here.

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Hi

I am so sorry for what you are going through!! Like others have said you are strong for simply being able to write your story on here and you are strong for the fact that you have tried to get help !! As you probably already know when you do get high the pain is still their but it is masked. Your true friends will be there for you. Even if you have strained the relationship you can come to them with an apology and get back into better habits as you stated and your true friends will be there for you they wont give up on you. If you would like, start writing daily goals and rewarding yourself for accomplishing them even the smallest of goals . I know you said nothing is working but somethings take a while ( seems like forever) but you might not even realize that some things are changing. I know you dont want to go back to the habits of unperscribed pain killers even with all the pain going on. Continue to hold strong and you are worth it!!

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Kayla,
We love you so much and you have made such strides to better yourself, please don’t give in to the pain. From what I know of you, that would inevitably hurt you more than what you are feeling right now, to relapse. You are incredibly strong and have overcome so much. Its okay that you are feeling how you do, but know that we support you and love you no matter what happens. I hope this pain stops, lessens, or even gives you a few moments of reprieve at the very least. You are worthy of love, of freedom, of healing. I love you, we love you.

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, NLT.

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I’m checking on you today. Hope you’re doing better and find strength to get rid of them. I love you girl.

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I’ve been clean19 months today.

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Hey! That is a good thing! Yea? Congrats sweetheart. You are so much stronger than you let yourself believe sometimes. 19 months is a long time. In 5 more months, that will be 24 months. Thats 2 years, Kayla. TWO. I know you can do it. Because you HAVE been doing it.

I know there is often temptation to do things. I know you have a lot of things that you carry and struggle with. But you have shown and proven over and over and over that you have the strength to fight. You have the strength to push through this.

I hope today that you find the strength and courage to dump any extra pills that you may have. You deserve to do that for yourself. I am proud of you for coming this far. And I am proud of you for reaching out and for writing a post when you were struggling. You could have just taken it, but instead you reached out. That shows that you don’ t truly want to take those things. It shows that you want help. That’s a big deal.

I love you very much.

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Hey @Kayla,

You are such a beautiful person.

Just like our friends said here, I’m proud of you for reaching out when you need it. As you said to me recently, even if we know what is best for ourselves, it’s easier said than done. Yet you’re still here, you keep reaching out and… you’re still clean. It’s been 19 MONTHS. It’s seriously so freaking awesome. I admire you for your strengths, but more than anything for who you are.

I know we didn’t talk a lot yet, and I’m aware you have friends here who listen and care about you. Just know that you can count me in and my DMs are always open to you. I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling alone… You are so loved, and you are such a huge part of this community.

I hope you managed to get rid of those pills and to put them away from you. You don’t need it and you know that already. Being clean may not be the easiest path, but it is the right one. I believe in you for holding on to what you already accomplished. For holding on to the love you received along this journey. And to the love you will keep receiving.

Sending so much love to you. :heart:

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I did not. They’re still beside my bed. :confused:

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Well, I’m glad that you didn’t take them. That’s a good thing. But you should try to get rid of them. Okay? Just get it done and over with. I love you.

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Eventually…Not now :frowning:

Why wait? What’s the point? Throw them out girl. <3 I love you.

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@Kayla You’re incredible for having the Strength and Courage to get to this very moment in life.
It takes Power not weakness to open up on here to folks you may not even know…but WE ALL HAVE YOUR BACK HERE. You may feel like you’ve got nothing and no one but the pain…that’s not true. You’ve got us here at the HeartSupport fam

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good job kayla … im proud of you

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Hi friend.
I love you.

I know the pain is real, and I don’t want to say it isn’t, but I know how strong you are.
I’m glad you reached out here and I’m proud of you for all the things you’ve been doing to get better, even though they don’t seem to help right now.
I’m proud of you.

You’re not alone.
I believe in you.

Blessing you with strength and rest.

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Hi Kayla,
Hope all is well.
Thank you for sharing. I felt like I was reading a page out of my own life. I’d like to share with you that we must walk this road. We dont know the reason. But i believethere are always lessons learned from pain. Granted our pain is over the top to say the least. There are times that the pain is so bad . I dont know how my brain doesn’t explode. And boy, oh boy, those pills made me functional. I kept my sht together for a long time before things got really bad. There comes a point when they are no longer serving any good. There comes a poi t when they turn you into someone you dont like. You dont respect. And only we know when we’re at that point. THATS when a strong support system is so important. But I didn’t have that. The reason I was prescribed those meds are because of underlying health problems that I’ve been dealing with since early childhood and have now passed it on to my two children. So I admit myself on two separate occasions. I’ve tried every med under the sun. I haven’t taken any pills for over 16-17-ish years. I did manage to start on the treadmill and from there I got myself back on my feet. Now, ten years later it’s back. The not wanting to “Be”. It just hurts too much. I cry and cry and cry. I cant talk to anyone without crying. At first I thought my friends and family would recognize that I needed help. This isnt me! They can obviously see that. Why leave me when I need you most, these people that "love"me. I’m told how many times are we going to invite you and you say no. And I think, dont you SEE? Turns out that they see, saw but just dont care. When theres no broken bones, physical disease, blood…well, then it’s just not real. “Just not REAL”? Is this who you know me to be? And the guilt, embarrassment, rumination, social isolation & the tears. Oh the tears and prayer. I thanked G-D for any second, minute, hour of peace within myself. I’ve contemplated ending it all but there are a few reasons that I take one breath at a time to get through;
Statistics prove that people who have attempted and failed at taking their own life regret it as soon as theres no way to turn back.
Your life is a gift from G-D. It’s simply not ours to take.
Statistics also prove that if a parent commits suicide the children are much .ore likely to do so.
My soul is going to be in constant turmoil. When I’m gone my karma goes with my soul. Until we resolve we will be tortured. You may get out of the darkness in this life only to come back facing the same demons. I know I have to conquer them I just dont have anymore fight in me. So this sh
ts gotta get resolved in this lifetime!
The Bible says tears are cleansing. Let me tell you, I’m squeak when I walk I’m so “cleansed” lol.
I’m scared and lonely amongst my tribe.
I dont have any answers. But I believe that the answers, revelations, cure is coming. I’m seven years in. I dont leave the house. I’m a former elected official, I dont get out of bed. I coached & worked out 6 days a week.
I have hope. I believe in G-D the Almighty. Every day i pray for strength so i can be a better person for the people around me. I pray for the pain, darkness, sorrow to stop. I thank G-D for my blessings. I KNOW the good. I know the bad. I know what needs to be done. Yet, here I sit in my dark bedroom.
NINETEEN MONTHS!! That’s a long time. Not long enough. We didnt get here overnight and we’re not going to get away without scars. Renewed and new knowledge. Renewed compassion. Keep it up!
There IS a G-D. Called by many different names but a higher power exists. Pray to HIM. HE is listening. I await my next rebirth. I know I’ll be stronger and wiser. Keep on keeping on as best as you can even if you dont know why. It’s just what we do. We’ll find out our purpose soon enough. Continue to do what’s right for in your time of need you will reap what you sow, from the Bible, said much more eloquently, if course. We have to keep reaching, keep hoping no matter how bad it gets. I feel you. I wish I could take it away and set it on fire. For now I watch day after day go by with barely a smile. An occasional laugh. That’s a good day.

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