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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Schism by Tool
The problem with recent conflict for me is that anything I say is twisted and used against me later, so what ends up happening is I stonewall, so I dont say something that can be used against me later. Like when I say later, they will bring up things from many years ago and then use them somehow. This really causes a big disconnect for me, as I cant say anything without fear of it being used as ammunition.
Yeah, it’s absolutely understandable that the “stonewall strategy” is something that you’ve been using in order to cope with this type of interaction. It’s not pleasant to be reminded of potential past mistakes or things we’ve said/done that could have hurt someone that we love. There is a point when you just wish to find some closure for that kind of memory, not for someone to constantly bring it back to the table as if there was no way to move on from what happened at the time.
It’s like someone tries to make you stuck in an identity or perception that doesn’t match your experience or the person you are inside, and the difference between this perception and your experience can be really hurtful. You may try your best to be a certain way when you interact, then you keep being pushed into an identity that you don’t want to have, as if you had no say on it. It’s like you’re not given a chance to be human and eventually grow from mistakes or discomfort. No, in what you describe, you are expected to be stuck in the same position over an over, which completely closes the possibility of having a helpful and healing conversation when a new conflict comes up.
Reading your words reminded me of a time when I had this friend who was perceiving me a certain way, with intentions that were not mine. Everything I would say or do was seen through that interpretation. And it was so hurtful and frustrating at the same time because it felt like no matter what I could say or do, their idea of me was already complete and I couldn’t change it at all. It’s really hard when it feels like the person in front of you is holding power over the way you are perceived and presented to the world around you. As if your free will and sense of agency was somehow removed from you. That they can somehow decide that you are this, not that, and this is how it’s going to be for the rest of your life, or at least for an unknown time.
So your reaction of being a stone wall and being very careful with everything you say really makes sense. As you said, it is a way to not give the person in front of you the tools they could use against you later on. But it’s so painful because it feels like you just can’t be yourself. That you are condemned to impact your relationships and the trust you have in others in a very negative way. They don’t get to know who you really are and see beyond the wall bricks, and it’s freaking isolating to be connected to others while feeling like you can’t be your authentic self.
I would imagine that, the behavior of the person you describe really shows that they are having a hard time healing and finding closure regarding something that happened, and they are using any opportunity to reactivate this wound over an over. For some people it’s a way to feel like regaining some kind of control over the fact that there are still not over what happened and they are not in peace with themselves. But it’s really hard when it feels like they are stuck somewhere in the past and you are trying your best to keep moving on, because there is this kind of emotional distance between you that keeps on growing. I don’t know who this person is or was for you but that is definitely something hurtful to experience and I’m sorry that this has been the case for you.