my thighs, my arms im so sorry for them but thats the only way i can make myself feel less pain and feel “happy”. i used to cut my skin everyday for 3 months straight but one day, i was eating and i had a white hoodie on, my blood was on my clothes, my mom saw them she didn’t say anything until she yelled at me to show her my arms. she was crying. she asked me why im not normal like the others? since then i was 10 weeks clean but now im only 5 days sadly…
on may 9th i “celebrate” 2 years since my bsf commitment suicide and he left me in this dark deep hole im in… i wish he would see hoe much im suffering right here without him🖤
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Hey! Firstly I am so sorry about your friend passing away. That must have been really really hard. I can understand how you might be feeling because I struggle with cutting too and I have heaps of scars that are difficult to hide and I know other people around me find it difficult too. Often our parents get shocked and don’t know how to cope with us being in so much pain or they may not know what self harm is. My parents reacted badly too at first. What helped me was to print out some information on what self harm was, how to help someone self harming and I wrote a letter to my mum explaining why I was doing it because having a face to face conversation was too scary for me. I hope things get better for you and that you are able to keep fighting against the urges. 
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Hey @bianka
My name is Sarah. I am one of the moderators here on the forum. I am so happy that you found HeartSupport and felt comfortable sharing some of your story with us.
Myself and a few others from the team have some thoughts for you and we will get you that very soon. So stay tuned!! I hope you’ll be encouraged!
Hold fast. We believe in you
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Hey @bianka,
Thank you so much for being so brave again by sharing all of this. It takes a lot of strength to allow ourselves to be vulnerable as you just did here. I don’t know if reaching out is something you’re used to do, but I hope you’ll allow yourself to be proud of doing so. It’s strong, it’s inspiring, and it’s a good way to build resilience during our darkest times. 
my arms im so sorry for them but thats the only way i can make myself feel less pain and feel “happy”.
I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling with self-harm, friend. This is a coping mechanism that helps you to hang in there when what you feel is too intense and seems unbearable. Overall it’s a way to get some relief at the moment, but somehow you also know that there are other ways to process your emotions. It just takes time, support and love to get there - from others but even more from yourself.
If you’d like to check on it, there’s a workbook provided by HeartSupport called “ReWrite” that is focused on self-harm. It’s a valuable resource that can help you to understand a little more why you do it, but also to work on building healthier habits in the long run. There’s also an entire part dedicated to family/friends to help them understand what is self-harm and how to support someone who struggles with it, in a loving and compassionate way. The way you described how your mom reacted when she found out makes me think that this book could be a very good resource for both you and her. Here are some links to get more information about it:
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https://forum.heartsupport.com/tags/c/growth/61/rewrite - (forum category dedicated to the book - you can eventually have a look at the videos in the first “chapters” topic where the beginning of the book was read by the guys on stream. It can give you a preview of the book itself).
on may 9th i “celebrate” 2 years since my bsf commitment suicide and he left me in this dark deep hole im in… i wish he would see hoe much im suffering right here without him🖤
Again, I am so very sorry for this brutal loss in your life. The pain you feel is valid and makes sense, friend. After losing my brother from a sudden disease, I felt this giant hole in my chest that nothing could fill. I needed him. I needed to hug him. I needed to tell him so many things: my sadness, my anger, my grief - overall, this huge amount of pain that I’ve been feeling for living without him.
Sometimes, it helps to write down all of those things. All the things we’d like them to know if they were here in front of us. It can even be therapeutic to actually talk to them. There’s no shame at all for doing that, if somehow you feel like your heart needs it. Those emotions are heavy, those feelings are deep, and it’s important to find a safe way to express them. Your voice and how you feel is important. You matter.
since then i was 10 weeks clean but now im only 5 days sadly…
Hey, 5 days is a lot already! There’s no small accomplishments when it comes to healing. Only steps that matter. All of them. Unfortunately, recovery is not a linear process and sometimes we fall down. But we also learn to get back on our feet each time and we grow stronger. You’ll be able to get to 10 weeks again, and even more. Step by step, little by little. You’ll get there, friend. We believe in you.
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hi @Micro im am so sorry for your loss! i hope you are getting slowly better as well, since i discovered HS i am looking forward to pass this phase im in, slowly but till the end.
Im progressing as you said, trying the best i can so i can become a better person to myself and my mutuals as well.
Take care!
bianka
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Hi @bianka,
The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. We’re with you friend - Hold Fast and lean on our community.
@bianka I’ve been reading through your posts and taking in your story. I’m sorry for all that you’ve gone through, it’s hard to really conceptualize the amount of raw strength of will that would be needed to go through all of that, and still be able to share it with people. I’ve seen you respond and comment support on other people’s posts- it speaks to how much strength you already have, and how much potential you have to keep growing and sharing it with others.
I’m really glad you’re here, and I hope we see you stay active on the wall!
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hey @HS_John! I would like to thank everyone who was a part of the video.
I will clearly write down on my arms and walls the last quote that they told me : “Don’t do it. You are stronger than you think. Trust me.” Thankk youuu again!
Bianka
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hey friend! you know… i ve been through a lot recently and i just want to help people as much as i can so no more tragics happen. i didn’t do this to my best friend who commited suicide in 2019, i wasn’t interested about mental health or suicide at that point. Now i am !
imma wait right here on the wall 
stay safe!
bianka <3
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hey @Sarahi just wanted to thank you so much for your words and love from that video! it means a lott! i just finished writing down the quote you told me to write: “YOU ARE SRONGER THAN YOU THINK. TRUST ME” .
THANK YOU AGAIN!
bianka<3
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