Silence can feel so heavy. It is such a powerful experience, but also one that bring up so many emotions if you were used to not listen to them for a while. It’s this sudden reminder of how deep and vivid your inner life is, but how powerful it can be to numb it most of the time. With silence there’s just no escape… you are left with yourself, your thoughts, your feelings just as they are. And sometimes you even process all that has been gathered for so long. It is terribly brutal, and I relate so very much to what you describe.
With grief especially, it makes sense that you have wanted to simply avoid feeling it all. To just run away from it. Busy-ness is a very effective way to avoid ourselves – you’re always focused on the outside, and almost never on what’s happening within you. When losing people I love, burying myself into action and productivity has been a strong way to survive and to keep moving while I felt like it would require nothing to make me fall down. We’re just human beings, and it’s okay if our first reaction in face of pain is avoidance. It makes sense.
I hope that, in these moments when you try to approach silence, you can also meet yourself at a high level of care and forgiveness. It’s okay if before you couldn’t face what you were feeling. You have tried just as you can to make it through emotions that have been terribly intense, and surely felt unbearable at times. Somehow, grief follows its own timeline, and it’s okay to acknowledge that when it comes to processing it, each season of it comes at its own time. You are here today, and that is such a wonderful testimony of your strength, including through your own vulnerability.
It’s also beautiful to hear that you manage to offer yourself those moments with God. You are setting an intention towards meeting Him and yourself at a level that is so profound, so raw, so unique. On the outside it may not look like something huge, but I know it really is. It takes so much courage to sit with ourselves while navigating pain - and I hope you find as much comfort and support as you need through your connection with God too. There is no doubt that you have been through a lot, but you are naming how things have been, you are understanding while it had to be that way, and you are intentionally paving the path to something different - something more positive and healing for you. Which is truly amazing.
Through all of this, may your next steps be fulfilling, healing and inspiring in many ways. Grief leaves unique wounds in us that we can learn to embrace so love can prevail. To quote one of my favorite from Tolkien: “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” – Keep being present to yourself, at your own pace. You got this, friend.