When I was a child, My mother abused me verbally(A LOT) and physically(few times). I hated my mother because of this. Even tho how much she changed because she realised her mistakes, its too late. I hated school because my teacher hit me either, he abused me verbally too. I liked my father a lot. He was like my rescuer. I tried to became like him to make him happy. He didn’t saw my efforts. I thought he was a good person until he threatened to beat me up when I self harmed later on. I was also a lot succesful in school. My grades and computer games were my everything. I thought god hated me when I was a child. I blamed myself for everything I had, but it wasn’t my fault. It was my family’s.
When I first went to the therapy, i cried a lot, i had headaches every time I went to there. But my first therapist wasn’t professional enough to help me so I switched a lot therapists until my current doctor. I still cry every time. Im fighting with major depression and ocd for almost a year.
Nobody can help me anymore. Even professionals can’t. I tried contacting crisis lines in my country, but the line is not used anymore I think. Even though I warned my doctor and my family about my self harms and suicide, they didn’t do much. My family has given up on me.
I cry every day in front of my computer. I feel this pain every day. I am giving up on this fight. Im not ready for future, even tmorrow. I tried everything I could, I reached everyone I can, I tried everything my doctor said, I went to hypnotherapies, I changed doctors, nothing worked.
This is second time im typing my goodbye message here. Because Im too coward to suicide. But this time, when I feel ready, I will do it.
Everyone got tired because of my suicidal thoughts. So many people stopped me. But Im sure they are tired because of my actions too. To everyone who helped me, thank you, this time it will end for sure.
I might not do it today, but I will make sure that Im not alive next month, maybe week, maybe today.
I really know I don’t want to die. But I must do this. Its a sign from my childhood. It was always with me. So its not going to stop. I will became sad and sad again until I stop this loop. I tried stopping it with going to doctor. It didn’t work. So my only solution is suicide.
Words don’t make an effect on me anymore. I lost my emotions, ability to care, ability to be a good person.
I decided to type all of this here because people here understands me at least.
Sorry old me, I couldn’t make it. But at least, I tried everything.
I am very proud of you for reaching out to us here. We are here for you and we care about you. No one here is tired of your suicidal thoughts. We understand you and many of us know what it feels like to go through so much pain. I understand what if feels like to cry every day, to think that it won’t ever stop, to not have any idea of how things could ever become better. During the last weeks there have been some tiny improvements that help me at least have some hope that I won’t be stuck in my current state forever.
I hope with all my heart that you being in this community, surrounded by people who care about you and who love you, gives you a spark of hope that things can change and that there is a solution out there for you, too.
You don’t have to do this. Stay with us and even if you’re so very tired of the crisis lines, please call one.
You’re future self will be so incredibly proud of you if you keep trying. Don’t give up on yourself. You’re worth fighting for.
We are here for you. We won’t leave and we’ll do all we can to support you and to be by your side when you’re walking through this rough period of your life. You’re loved, @E_Man.
I think this line right here sums up pretty well what you’re going through. It feels like you were just given a shitty hand in life, and that’s it. You were always behind, so by the time you started trying to work on it, it feels like it was already too late. You’ve lost hope that things could get better because every day feels like it gets worse, even though you’ve tried lots of different things to improve.
When life feels unmanageable as it is, and you feel like every day is more of the same or worse, it feels totally pointless to keep living.
^^^ This is a big piece of it too. It’s like, if I’m truly out of options…if I’ve tried everything that everyone has given me the choice to try, and none of it worked, then I have nothing left. When the list of “try this and see if it gets better” runs out, then it feels like so does your hope.
So, right now, your life is:
→ 100% pain
→ 0 things to try to reduce that
→ 0 hope things will get better
And in that place, it makes total sense you’re considering ending your life. I mean you even said it yourself:
It feels like your life has forced your hand. Like this is the last option to remove the pain. And it even feels like you said
There’s almost a sense of mission to it, because you’ve started this journey to “remove pain from your life”, and you’re intent on doing it, and it feels in some twisted way that you’re actually accomplishing that goal, finally, by taking your life. Feels like you can be a success at something, for once.
What you’re going through, @E_man, it makes sense. You’re not crazy.
Also, I want to challenge a few concepts, because this stack of logic is built on some faulty layers, which is important to acknowledge.
If the basic argument is:
→ My life is and has always been terrible
→ I’ve tried everything to make it better
→ Nothing worked, therefore suicide is my only option
Then I want to start by challenging layer #2.
There is a difference between “showing up” at things that are supposed to positively impact you and “truly engaging” in them with your full heart and mind. I’ve gone to counseling appointments for my addiction, KNOWING I’M GOING TO RELAPSE, and am just going through the motions to get through the session and get back to my addiction. I’ve been on calls with people who are supporting me, meanwhile literally using on the call. I’ve reached out to people when I’m wanting to relapse and stopping after one person doesn’t pick up, knowing that I have four more that I could call.
It sounds like you’ve had many moments in earnest in your recovery journey - fighting through so much fear to get to the therapist’s chair and breaking down when you’re there because things are just so horrible and difficult.
But I’d wager there are times that you were just going through the motions in those “recovery settings” and not earnestly engaging because you’re already convinced that it won’t work. When you make the decision beforehand that you’re not going to hope or try, you aren’t actually engaging. When I call a friend, knowing they’re at work and likely won’t pick up, and stop reaching out after the 1st time, I’m actually just making an excuse for myself, because it makes me feel better about relapsing…“Well, I reached out!” But the truth is that I was already convinced beforehand that I was going to relapse!
When you’re at a place where you’ve given up on hope, you can be going through the motions of life and recovery without actually engaging it.
If I’m to call a spade a spade, I sense that may be what’s happening in our Action Group. Perhaps it could also just be getting used to a new space, but when I was questioning you more deeply about what steps you could be taking, you’re mostly resistant to the idea that things could get better, that you could do anything to improve your situation or your life. But the whole philosophy behind the group is that life CAN change, as we take action, one step at a time. And if you show up in that setting “because people say it’s going to make a difference”, but you don’t allow yourself the hope that it could work and earnestly engage, then it’s just going through the motions, setting yourself up to re-confirm the message you already believed that “I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked”.
The problem is, if you haven’t earnestly given yourself to the things you’ve tried, then you actually haven’t tried them.
And I believe that Action Group could help you! It has significantly helped the lives of other members in the group, some of whom are struggling with the very thing you’re struggling with!
It is not logically true to say that you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked.
It would be more accurate to say, “I have tried some things. They had limited effect.”
And that is an important distinction, because then it eliminates step #3 that “Nothing worked. Therefore suicide is my only option.”
Because if you still have options, if there are still some things to try, then you have hope, and you are not out of options, an suicide is not the only way out.
NOW – if this is true, then what you might be thinking is, “Yeah but I still feel like ending my life.” Then the 3rd step would likely be more accurately rewritten as.
I have tried some things. They had limited effect.
I’ve lost hope that I can actually make my life better, and I just want to stop feeling pain.
Which is a very reasonable thing to think and desire. I don’t want to live a life of endless pain either!
But the beauty of the distinction is that you can actually try again to regain a sense of hope. Honestly, man, I believe that if you were to try the Action Group in earnest, coming up with an action plan, a single step you can take each week to make improvements in your life, that you’d regain a sense of hope.
I’ve found that hopelessness in my life is usually marked by stagnancy. When things fall flat or get stuck and no longer improve, I feel a sense of hopelessness. But the magic of hopelessness is that the SECOND that I get into motion again, I regain a sense of hope. Because if I’m in motion, even if it’s slow, I can see that change is possible.
That’s why we focus on breaking our problems down into more manageable slices. Like you identified that friendship is an area that you’d like to work on. If week over week, you started to see your friendships strengthen and your connection with them begin to grow and give you more life, you’d actually find more joy and purpose in your life! People care about you and care to know about you! And the truth is that THAT IS POSSIBLE. YOU CAN DO THIS. And you are not alone in that journey. You’re not actually disconnected from hope or from help! You’re in a place that can help you get unstuck! But you have to choose to engage. Or it will just be “another one of those things that didn’t work”, but was really a reflection of your belief before engaging with it at all.
It’s important to note. YOU ARE NOT WITHOUT OPTIONS. Suicide is not the only way out. And in the end, it is not actually a way out at all. You have other options that can help you improve your life, and if you don’t ACTUALLY want to die, then you don’t have to.
I invite you to try again. I have so many times, man. That’s why it’s in my screenname. I’ve been an in recovery for my addiction to porn for 10 years, and I have faced hopelessness more times than I could count. I’ve tried so many things and labored and toiled and prayed and journaled and therapied and prioritized and de-teched and accoutnabilitied and recovery grouped and 12 stepped and celebrate recovery and conquerors and 7 pillars. I mean so many things. I know what it means to fall into hopelessness and feel that the pit walls only get taller with every day that passes.
But honestly, I hated the idea of addiction getting the best of me. I don’t want it to have the last word on my life. And so I choose a defiant hope. Even when my circumstances feel like I don’t know how to improve, I just won’t let it take me out.
I know there’s a piece of you that has that fight because you’ve made it this far. You can keep going. You are not alone in this journey. We can walk this road to hope together. Try again.
