My story of a terrible state of mind gripped much of my life. I was born with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and effects my social life dramatically everyday. I never knew my issue till 2016 when my Mom told me, I collapsed to tears, thinking how foolish and imperfect I was. I will try to keep it consistent and straight forward. We begin in 2014, 8th grade was my year that changed me, before was a more calm person, at least till late March where after years of build up and years of agony. I lashed out at my teachers due to their uncaring perception and threats, shortly after my Mom demanded action for improvements. An IEP meeting was devised and things went back to normal…for a time. Not long after in early April, I never realized my true pain took hold. The morning of that day, I was already fueled after stress once again returned to me, work overflowed and nobody knew but me. I paid attention every time, even pulled my teacher aside to chat about it. She wouldn’t listen, I felt like she was staring of to space, totally oblivious of my issue entirely. To get her attention I would smash nearby lockers and yell at the top of my lungs at her. She tried calming me down but was ineffective, the next thing I knew, she sent me to another teacher who she thought would help. Once more I lashed out, my mind at this point was chaotic. I ran out of the classroom without her knowing, she went to go find me and she called for help. She left and three staff members surrounded me on the platform near the stairs. The fence was behind me and I grew defensive while being backed into this strange corner. I yelled every time, saying stuff like “You all despise me and you all betrayed me!”, they deny it with “No, we care for you, let’s just relax here” (Something along those lines). At one point, I lunged at one of them, thinking they would try to restrain me. In the heat of it, I almost attacked a teacher and have since regretted this ever happened to me, I could not believe what I did. I became aggressive from stress and paranoia. The Principal has put the place in lockdown, no kid was allowed to move to another class and this happened the first time around too but not at this scale, the second time was worse. She called the cops on me but wasn’t arrested, instead the cop stayed down at the office till I left. He was very understanding and friendly but my Mother showed up, shouting at the Principal. She called my Principal at the time a “Fucking Bitch”, I will never forget that. She had a history of bad luck with her, my siblings hated her too but not to the extent of me. My Mom brought me down from the corner and was escorted while crying my eyes out continuously. I was sent by ambulance to a hospital for psychological evaluation. Then I came home, my pain was severe and overwhelming and never returned to school for the rest of the year. I seek therapy for about a year and was on medication from another lady who prescribed it. I grew to be more stable as time went on and got of medicine for a while till I had yet another but not as bad of an outburst at my teachers in High School. The same result was that I went home that day, that was the worst I’ve been since 2014. However since 2018, my mind became improved and retained taking medicine after starting up again after the third incident. 2020 however was awful but I came closest to thinking about suicide than 2014 which was a huge thing. My Mom suggested a mental facility but I knew they likely wouldn’t care about me. Looking back at 2014’s outbursts, the scars would never heal. Today the same school that had occurred in it stands in my town, abandoned since the new school was built not far from it. All I see every time I pass by it is a reminder of that dreadful time period of mental pain. Today as for me, I am somewhat decent but still have an unstable mind. If I get stressed out, I would become aggressive. In conclusion, I still cry on the inside, like I say the scars may never heal, I have since been traumatized by this and even my Mom agreed. You must ask yourself, have you ever had pure hate fuel your heart and fear corrupt your mind to an unstable point like I have? Sometimes I wished for something better, but life as I know it, doesn’t give me that leisure and to this day, I am unwell despite my improvements.
Hey there GodOfGold,
First of all, thank you for your post. Talking about these things takes a lot of strength, and I can understand after reading your story how much pain this situation causes you. Opening up like this is a great thing you’ve done, and I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I want to address this point by point:
I never knew my issue till 2016 when my Mom told me, I collapsed to tears, thinking how foolish and imperfect I was.
I want to start by saying, as someone who was diagnosed with Aspergers, which has been reclassified as ASD, I’ve struggled with this thought before. Having had it my whole life, and been diagnosed with it for many many years, I’ve really come to accept that these sort of things aren’t “imperfections”
Autism doesn’t mean you’re any less than anyone else. It doesn’t mean you’re imperfect, or foolish, or anything of that nature. All the classification does is allow us to communicate using terminology that points to similar criteria.
In reality, everyone is different. We all have differences in our minds that change how we regulate our emotions, interact with each other socially, and our perspective on life. Autism just defines a set of traits that changes how you interact with people, you are no more or less than anyone else out there, you’re just different from everyone, just as we all are 
. EVERYONE is unique!
She wouldn’t listen, I felt like she was staring of to space, totally oblivious of my issue entirely.
This is something I can definitely relate to as well. Unfortunately, many teachers are not trained enough in understanding mental health situations, and knowing how to walk through them. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that they can’t even possible grasp how to approach the situation, or perceive how you really feel.
Imagine that you struggled with crippling social anxiety. Someone who has never experienced crippling social anxiety might hear the word anxiety, and relate it to their experiences of it, which isn’t nearly as severe as yours. They just wont have any idea whatsoever about how to approach it. Saying something like “calm down” to someone with light anxiety might work, but to someone with crippling anxiety, anyone who has had it will understand that it doesn’t do anything.
It’s important when you interact with others that can’t quite understand what you’re struggling with that you try your best to describe it. Even better, explain to them what you need, and try your best to explain where it’s coming from, why you feel it, and why you need what you need.
In your example, maybe just letting them know “I have a difficult time with getting angry when I’m stressed, and I feel more relaxed when I’m alone. If you could give me 5 minutes of time alone, I’ll have a better chance of calming down” would be helpful. You’ve defined why you feel the way you feel, explained how the solution works, and then requested their help with the solution, and shown how it’ll help. They then have an idea about how they can help you.
It’s also important to recognize that some people just wont get it, and to be gracious with them while they struggle to grasp what you’re dealing with.
I could not believe what I did. I became aggressive from stress and paranoia
In the end, we’re all people, and we’re all animals. When ANY animal is backed into a corner and feels threatened, they’ll lash out. Your reaction here is 100% natural, and makes total sense. I feel like the teachers in this situation didn’t understand how bad it was to back you into a corner, and how that’ll only aggravate it.
From what I’ve read, it sounds like you have a difficult time regulating the feelings of stress and paranoia. You mention later on that you’re doing better with medication, and I would absolutely reach out to your therapist/psychiatrist what you’re feeling now so they are aware of these struggles and can help you face them!
My Mom suggested a mental facility but I knew they likely wouldn’t care about me.
Psychiatric facilities are often highly stigmatized, especially by media, but it’s important to remember that these places are built to help people, and they can do a lot of good too! Not to say that you need to go to one by any means, but don’t be afraid to reach out for help if that’s what you need!
Today the same school that had occurred in it stands in my town…
I think it’s pretty common to tie memories to places that we’ve been in, and it can often be very difficult to detach our memories from places, especially if we never create any more. Do you have the option to move away from that area, or not pass by it so often? I’ve got bad memories tied to a specific place, and I moved a long way away, and it really helped just to get myself away from that.
The last thought I wanted to touch on is, exactly what are you looking for moving forward?
It sounds like you’re receiving treatment for your emotional regulation, so even though it might flare up every now and then it sounds like you’re getting help for that.
Do you think that what you struggle with is the regret of things you done in the past? And if so, what do you think is the part of it you regret the most? What do you think are the steps for moving past that regret?
Thanks for sharing friend, I look forward to seeing you around! Keep going, and you’ll find the answers you’re looking for! You’re always welcome here!
nzkiwi has really done a good job of responding to your post. I’d like to add a bit anyway.
Keep in mind, you get to know yourself a bit more every day. Therefore, you are probably developing more awareness regarding when you’re beginning to feel stressed or overwhelmed.
You mentioned years of built up agony, at the same time, feeling overwhelmed. Your teacher’s apparent disregard for your feelings “triggered you.” It’s one of those situations that combined anxiety, despair, pain, and feeling diminished by your teacher, all in the same moment. Your reaction might have been extreme, but to me, understandable.
Then it sounds like your emotional response itself became overwhelming, which as you say made your mind “chaotic”. Then, I imagine even the body language of the three staff members, looked intimidating and what they were saying did not appear to be what they were thinking. I think the last thing they should have done was to back you into a corner. That made you become even more distraught.
I think your sense of betrayal began when you felt that your teacher “zoned out,” when you really needed her to listen and care about what you were saying. I think from that point on, your stress response was escalating, which led you to not seeing things as they were, but as your agitated mind interpreted your experience. I think that’s when you felt despised and hated.
So, you weren’t a very rough state emotionally, and those around you did a very bad job of handling it. I would say, they probably didn’t know any better. I think if they had handled the situation differently, you might not have gotten so paranoid or aggressive. Actually, I think there is a difference between fear-based aggression and what people normally think of as aggression. I’m glad you understand that your behavior was a fear response. I think you are far from being an aggressive person.
There is no doubt, that at that time, it became very apparent, that you needed help to find a way to manage your feelings. I think it’s worth noting, when a person feels stressed, the body can release hormones that make matters worse.
Some scars never heal, yet their existence can be accepted, and even form a basis of empathy towards others who have similar emotional difficulties.
Please accept that you’re a good person, even though there are some things you have a hard time coping with. Do you really hate, or is it a strong aversion to the things that cause you to suffer?
Should a diabetic who is doing an okay job maintaining her blood sugar think of herself as unwell? What about someone on blood pressure medication? Almost invariably, they feel as if they’re doing well, as long as the medication is working. They have figured out how to manage a chronic condition. Some mental health problems are chronic conditions, and you don’t need to feel unwell, if you’re doing okay.
I’m glad you had the courage to share your feelings here. Perhaps sticking with us for a while can be helpful to you.
Take care, Wings
Thx for your inputs but it’s obvious that people don’t see the way I see the world. I live my life in fear everyday, I see everyone have a knife behind their back, I fear everything under the sun. My paranoia has not improved and may never will be improved till my death date. People suggested I get help but I’m not paying for these corrupt doctors who are only out for money.
So, you’d be okay with someone you don’t have to pay for?
Yes, you do have anxiety and paranoia resulting in what is called hypervigilance. Sadly, you see in the world and those around you, a reflection of your own fear. It’s a rough situation, because as a result of it, you repel exactly what you need to make your life better.
In most communities, there is a 211 number you can call and talk to some people who can at least care, and quite possibly put you in touch with someone who, although in the practice for the money, are actually getting paid almost as much as it takes to get by, rather than getting rich, because they genuinely care about people, and know that some people can’t afford high dollar therapists.
Your perception and experience of the world will change, if you get some help. You are not alone in needing something that you are reluctant to pay for.
ASD is not a disorder, it’s not an issue, its just a different way of your brain being hardwired. Its not a problem. However, it does cause me to have social difficulties and I need help in social situations, but it seems your mom has the wrong idead about what ASD is. Also I understand going through chaotic situations like this. Just keep holding on, and if you need to you can PM me anytime and I’ll get the message later. 
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