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The Story of my Sexual Addiction

Hi everybody. I have tried to write this post I don’t know how many times already. There’s a lot I feel I need to say but I feel so overwhelmed and apathetic towards myself that it’s hard to phrase. Bear with me if this is long or nonsensical, I am grateful for the platform just to air my thoughts. Let me preface this by saying I am a Christian guy and so I align myself with a lot of traditional Christian values, which is part of what makes this really hard.

My first exposure to pornography and masturbation was at age 11. I was curious about sex, as most are as pre-teens, and so I was google searching around the topic when I found videos. I found myself enjoying these videos but not knowing how to respond to them, often watching them in the cover of dark but not using them for physical pleasure. At age 13 I first tried to experiment with my body and I really enjoyed the experience. I don’t think I was immediately addicted but the rush of pleasure was just a high I really enjoyed so I kept at it regularly. Eventually as time past I found out through youth and other areas the dangers of porn and masturbation and I became concerned: part of me wanted to stop entirely. Whenever I would try to stop I would notice that after 5 days or so the compulsion to masturbate would just be overwhelming, so I wouldn’t think any further and just go for it. I realised how much trouble I was in around 16 when the word addiction rang over and over in my ears whenever I heard it. I tried reaching out to various parties: pastors, friends, leaders in my church to just have support and accountability. I also started seeing a counselor. Unfortunately, even with all this I made no headway. All of these relationships eventually dissolved and I now find myself in my 20s still stuck with the exact same addiction.

What is clear to me is that my issue is less porn and more masturbation - the actual physical response of my body. That’s what I am hooked on. I can go without videos and pictures but not the act. I hate myself for even saying these things. I can see that my mentality is incredibly dark these days - I used to be able to bounce back relatively quickly, trusting God’s grace as sufficient for me. However, as time has developed I have grown increasingly destructive in response to my addiction. Apathy has become my greatest ally: I disconnect from everything around me, I put in less work at varsity, I lash out easier at friends and I stop pursuing the things I love because I just can’t bear to process the things I do and the person I have become. My mental pathways revolve around negative talk and self loathing most days: I am not even remotely convinced by positive thought about myself, often denying it as people trying to make me feel better about the mess of a person that I am. I am so tired. Tired to my bones. I have to get out of this rut. I have to, but my drive is so little and weak that I barely make it a few days before I divulge myself again. I know you have to be in it for the long haul but it seems like limiting the act doesn’t work: one slip and I inevitably end up right back where I started. This year has been so scary: I have had multiple consecutive weeks where I don’t engage with God at all or people in any meaningful way and I fear what I will become if it continues. I can see I’m slowly tossing my life away. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what steps I can take to make this better, to make things work. I feel like I am constantly going to be stuck in this same rut and that it will forever prevent me from having a normal life. How could I ever meet and love someone if I’m so obsessed with sex? I don’t know anymore and I just really wish it would all stop.

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Mate, from someone who was a huge deviate during my 20’s… looking back and thinking about it now in my mid-thirties, married… they were fun days. Enjoy yourself mate. Explore… with other humans mainly if you can… :slight_smile: but explore the shit out of it! but all in all be SAFE and have FUN! You will eventually settle and you’ll find the right person who will bring you back to earth :slight_smile:

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Hey buddy,

i can totally relate to your feelings. I am heavily spiritual person. I have been addicted to porn and masturbating for more than 10 years. There was a time when “regular” porn was not entertaining anymore so I have started watching things opposite to my sexual orientation. I was masturbating at home, at work, everywhere. As I have experience with drugs I can say that those two addictions are much compareable and fighting them is not easy at all.
I know how does it feel to blame yourself for what you consider as weakness.
Let me tell you what made me to stop and was the relief. I found a soulmate in one, cute and wise lady. I was able to share all my struggles with her. I was opened like totally. I also told her about sexual additcion. Since I found understanding and ability to share the darkest moments of my life, overcoming this addiction became easier. I was able to find attraction in having body contact with her, becouse she accepted me as I was (broken and addicted).
I am sure that you will succeed becouse you are searching. And if you won’t give up the success is just a matter of time (which is the only factor, while you are doing something to achieve the goal).
The other thing which helps me with OCD (obsessive thoughts mostly) is CBD. I vap weed which contains high amount of CBD (5-20%) and is not psychoactive (has less than 0,2% THC). This works like a blockade on the river of thoughts. Many times it helped me look sober on addictive thoughts, like “let’s do this just one more time” or “do it, just a little”?
I cross fingers for you and pray so you can find a soultion to live comfortable life.

God bless you dude.

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Hey man. Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it.

I hear your suggestion. I think the only danger is then I don’t deal with the issue itself - I’ll continue feeding the addiction but through other mediums, you know? It’s not just a matter of sexual curiosity but of compulsion. I do hope I will find the right person one day, and I really thank you for your encouragement that you have offered in that regard!:relaxed: All the best for you and your recovery man!

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Hey man. I just responded on your topic too! Thanks so much for your comment! :relaxed:

Thanks for the encouragement, empathy and ideas. I have tried since putting up this post today to set some realistic goals to move towards to help me get through this. Really appreciate the prayer, too. It’s just good to not have it bouncing around in my own head and knowing that there are other people who know it now, too. I appreciate the CBD suggestion - my only concern is that my addictive personality may start clinging to the calming effect of that rather than dealing with the issue. But it may really help in the transition, so I’ll think about giving it a try! Keep strong man, God has us and we will make it through all that’s going on!!

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Well this is how I see church is working. Even if we are on the opposite site of the world, we are able to reach and rise one another through The Spirit. As I said I am sure you’ll overcome the struggle. You seem to be humble and caring person.
Everything best for you!

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@Dave
First off you’re taking a huge step by telling your story! It looks like you’re not living in denial of your addiction and the pain it causes on your life.
I’m 33 years old and much like you I was exposed to porn and masturbation at a very young age and only until about a year ago did I start taking steps towards freedom from my sexual addictIons. It’s never too late for you! You say you have done counseling but have you talked with someone who specializes in sexual addictions? Or have you joined a group (sex addicts anonymous, celebrate recovery or Pure Desire)? Sexual addictions can be extremely hard to break but it is possible and has been done by thousands of men and women. God is with you. No matter how many times you fall He is right there to bring you back into restoration. If you would like to talk more please feel free to reach out.

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@Dave

Hello. Nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your story. It is something that some of us in this community relate to. I grew up in a Christian environment. Still a believer. I was exposed to pornography when I was child. I became an addict in my late high school to my college years. I took masturbation to the extreme. Had many relapses. The last time I masturbated it was days ago when I couldn’t go to sleep. I needed to do it to help me to fall asleep. Every time I done it, I felt sad afterwards. Because I am not with a woman to have intimacy. I never dated or had sex. It is normal for us to struggle. I am 44 days porn free. Hallelujah! Hehe. The one thing you got to do is let the Holy Spirit transform you. Changing your heart and renewing your mind. Porn is fake. The actors and actresses are beautiful humans. They have struggles too. They have mental illness, suicidal thoughts, and they are not satisfied. The suicide rate in the porn industry is horrible. We must pray for them. God created sex, and it is a gift. Your sexuality is your friend. Not your enemy. God and you will fight the battles. Resist temptations. Read the Bible. God’s word will speak to you. You will overcome your addictions. I believe in you. If you want to share more, this forum is open. I hope you will have a great week. Once again, thank you. God bless you.

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Hey bro @AVJR - it is a pleasure to meet you too! Thank you so much for your insight and honesty - praise God for you 44 days clean! super inspiring for me!! Your encouragement makes sense. I will try to keep these things in the front of my thinking. I’ll definitely be taking the chance to share my progress as I go along. Thank you for reaching out, its given me the internal drive to keep pushing today. God bless you too!

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Hi. Change some habits and conditions in which we usually masturbate seems absolutely necessary. Go running to lower the anxiety to masturbate, eliminate some accounts in ig that we know can stimulate us to start searching the internet for porn pages. It really is all a job that requires commitment and perseverance. (Sorry if there is something wrong written I do not speak 100% English but I wanted to try to contribute)

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I can’t offer much advice man because I find myself in the same exact boat. I hope it offers some hope to know you’re not alone though and I believe we will both overcome this. It takes a drive to feed an addiction but that doesn’t mean it’s hard to quit. The right thing is in our grasp and I believe refraining and overcoming this addiction will lead to a euphoria we could only dream of. Stay strong man and try to keep those showers cold.

Personally, I don’t view masturbation as like a “sin” or whatever. I grew up religious, but it was never harsh, and I don’t think masturbating is something anyone should feel uncomfortable and unsure about. It’s honestly a natural thing. We have sex for pleasure, we like to feel pleasurable things. It’s how we are wired. The only thing that could make it a problem, is if YOU personally feel that it is a problem. I know women that masturbate 5 times a day… It’s something that is becoming more normalized because sexual health and sexuality is becoming more normalized.
I personally don’t see anything wrong with your situation, but I think that many people feel that it is wrong based off of religion and how they were raised. Maybe sexual health wasn’t explained growing up. Like I said, it wasn’t as normalized until the last few years. If you feel like the amount you masturbate is a problem, and effecting your life, maybe a counselor can help you. I just wanted you to know that masturbation is a common thing that many people do on a daily basis. It’s normal.