When i was 8 or 9 i was raped by who was at the time my best friend raped me both mentally and physically what turned from an innocent game of truth or dare became a nightmare and a game just of dares. When i was 13 i started having same sex attractions. I became a Christian 6 yrs ago and have been struggling with my sexual orientation since i was 13. Dropping my faith isnt an option. Honestly i just wanna live a normal life where i can be attracted to women. Its the biggest part of my life that causes me the most trouble. I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t give in either. It’s like being stuck in between a rock and a hard place and i can’t get out. The worse part about it is i still live down the road from where it happened. I’ve talked to my pastor about it and the people i trust and honestly i can’t find an answer.
Friend I am so sorry you had to deal with this , rape isn’t okay and I’m sorry it happened to you … just know you are amazing for who you are and your a nice person … just remember you’re worth it and hold fast friend <3
Friend I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is totally a struggle I feel that. I want to start by saying that you are not alone in any of these struggles. I also have gone through a lot of issues with being raped from a loved one. Let me just say that you are not alone and you are NOT TO BLAME. This person choose to do this to you and you had no say. I know that is not easy to believe that but let me say that you are not alone. I am here if you need to talk on that more I really get it.
I will say that this is not your fault you had no idea it was going to turn into what it did and those are words I have told myself over and over and it sucks to fight those thoughts it is so draining.
So I am an asexual individual and a lot of people have said to me that it is because of my abuse that I just am not a fan of it because of that but some that is not true for some it is. But remember that you are loved for who you are. I am also a christian and believe that god gave you a challenge to help you be stronger I dont know your exact faith but let me say that many people forget that god was an all loving (unconditional love). You are not defined to me by any of the things you are going through or the thoughts you have. I also identify as transgender and let me say that sometimes it is impossible to be both but it is possible there are churches that truly teach it isnt okay and others teach that hey god loves. It is hard but remember that you cant change who you are.
Hold fast and know that I care and i am here.
Ash
I am…beyond sorry to hear this. Something a such as should nevertheless ever happen to anyone, and we are here to definitely support you. However I personally believe that you’re sexyal orientation should not determine your love for god, you have been made by god himself like this, so these feelings are not at all wrong.
To continue, this isn’t something you should be at all ashamed of, many people are religious yet believe in a god, or other deity. Just remember that this chance of living peacefully with a love for women is not hopeless at all.
Stay strong
First, thank you for sharing. I know it’s not easy, and we’re proud of you.
I have a few other thoughts
- This is not your fault, and I really hope you don’t blame yourself for it
- There is nothing wrong with same sex attraction, though I understand you may feel that it’s a result of this experience and I honestly don’t have the medical background to tell you whether that’s the case.
- You are loved, regardless of what happened to you, and regardless of who you’re attracted to.
I’m afraid I don’t have much advice on the faith side as I’m coming from a very different place in that regard, but I hope that the faith community you participate in is supportive and understanding (and I’m guessing that they are). I also hope there are people in that community or medical professionals that you can talk to about this. It sounds like you’re still processing it, and trying to separate what may be the result of that experience and what may be your true self underneath.
One piece of advice I would give is to evaluate moving somewhere else. I can’t imagine being in the same place is making it any easier to move past that experience. It may not be an option, but it’s certainly worth keeping in mind that the feeling of being trapped may be related to the physical location where you’re living.
Also, it sounds like you’re doing the right things, trying to talk this out with people you trust and trying to figure it out. It’s not going to be solved in one day, but if you keep searching I believe you will find the other side of the tunnel eventually.
Most of all though, we love you, and I think you’re awesome. I caught your stream yesterday and I’d love to hear you play more music. I’ve also gotten to know you in some Twitch chat rooms and you seem totally awesome.
Hold fast friend. We believe in you.
Hex
It sounds like some of your conflict is between your faith and your feelings. I know there are Christian faith communities that are more welcoming toward a range of sexual orientations, and you might be able to find a congregation where you could feel more supported as you are, while you are working thru this, whatever resolution you eventually reach. You are loved and worthy of love NOW.
Hey, Bruiser. First I feel like I need to say you are incredibly brave for going here and talk about this. It’s incredibly deep, intense, and scary stuff. I’ve been in a similar situation. I was raped at a young age, and I am attracted to the same sex. I jump between the belief of a lot of faiths and that has helped me a lot. Looking into Buddhism Meditation is incredibly powerful or even listening to some people talk about their philosophical experiences are mind blowing and you can learn a lot from them. Its incredibly beautiful even if you don’t believe in it as a religion but the words and what it means are beautiful. A lot of Christians identify as Buddhists as well (myself included) and it’s incredibly powerful stuff to read and live by. Homosexuality in Christianity is controversial and I am sorry that it is like that but this is something that I often use to explain how I identify as a homosexual and a Christian and I hope this helps you.
Being homosexual is a sin (in some people’s opinions) in the bible, but so is getting a tattoo, so is wearing two pieces of clothing made out of separate material, and so is sinning in any way shape or form. We as Christians sin every day, but in the end how/what we do to sin is rough but we wont have the scars up in heaven because there is someone who took them away from us for us. I tried to hide form my sexuality for a while and it hurt me a lot. Its important to find some people you can be honest with and talk to them about it.
Your past experiences don’t define you, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this bud. We’re here for you on the stream/forums.
Bruiser, friend, so sorry to hear you struggle with this. I truly can’t imagine what it feels like to have this on your mind and heart. I can, however, connect with you on feeling down on myself and feeling lost. I also have recently been talking more with God and coming to a new relationship with him than I’ve ever had before and I have a lot of years behind me. One thing I want to share with you is something I got from therapy. My therapist could pick up messages I had internalized that were actually others views or even what I THOUGHT were others views. And I was trying to construct my life around it. Naturally it wasn’t working. When I read your words of wanting to be normal but having it conflict with your feelings I have to wonder to whose definition of normal? In my new relationship with God, and I have to thank a new church for the insight, I learned that if I believe in God and believe He loves me as I am, then I HAVE to also trust and believe that he made me the way I AM SUPPOSED to be. My hope is that you will find a path to really get honest with yourself in whichever feelings are truly yours and embrace/accept them, be they heterosexual, homosexual, whatever. To find a way to love yourself as you are. Sometimes that means breaking away from those we knew before to distance ourselves from messages that may not really fit where we are going, that is to say who we are becoming. Know that you are loved.
Hey Bruiser. Thank you so much for sharing this, it’s so brave and inspiring. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m so proud of you for fighting. We love you, you’re amazing.
Kayla
I love you guys so much and everyone who talked about it. It helped ease the tension. Im still gonna stand my ground on my faith but thank you for your kind words. We may not believe the same but i love every one of you. Thank you for being mature about this.
Hey @BRUISER14! From my experience, almost all Christian communities welcome people, no matter their sexual orientation. Unfortunately the mainstream media makes it seem like less and less people are tolerant of homosexuality, but my experience has been the complete opposite. It’s a Christian’s job to love, that’s it. The most important commandment for a Christian is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is to love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” I would question the true faith of people who choose to ignore the importance of loving everyone equally. 
Hey Bruiser,
My heart earnestly reaches out to you for what you’ve shared… I’ve struggled with understanding my faith and sexual orientation, and how those two fit together in my life since I’ve been in the 3rd grade. It’s a difficult, difficult battle, and I am so, so sorry that you’ve had experiences in your childhood that only causes more pain and makes it even harder to heal or find peace. To be honest, I still don’t really know what to think when it comes to this conversation of faith and sexuality- I simply feel that inability to “give in either” and I’m not sure about you, but sometimes it feels like a yelling match with two sides of voices just drowning me out. It takes a lot of time to come to terms with an answer that gives peace, and I’m still searching for it now. For now, I simply don’t believe that there’s an easy answer, and it’s not black or white. Im glad you’ve been able to speak with your pastor about this too- I truly think it’s a burden meant to be shared, whatever conclusion you come to. You are loved no matter what. Just please know that you’re not alone- I’m thankful you’ve shared this, because honestly, now I know I’m not alone in this fight either. Keep pursuing, keep the faith, and hold fast. I’ll be praying for you friend- praying for peace in your heart, mind, and soul.
With love,
Alex
It is so nice to hear from someone who really understands it from experience. I once described it as playing a horizontal split screen game of Call of Duty with both screens on both opposing sides. I’m glad i could give you hope or encouragement. Stay strong my friend.
Godspeed.
Praying for peace in your life also,
BRUISER14.
Ha, that honestly sounds about accurate! I always envision a large football field with two teams just yelling at each other and being stuck in the centre of the field. I’ve been reading some books that have various different perspectives, so if you’re interested, let me know. And thank you so much friend- I am grateful and that is much appreciated. Hope to hear from you soon.