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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
The way that you described this song made me completely break down. I relate so much with how much my depression and addiction have dragged me through the muddy darkness of my life. I’ve tried so hard to get myself out of this rut but it’s so difficult because of my awful habits and physical state and being in constant pain because of that vicious cycle.
My friend, my heart goes out to you, you remind me of where I was many years ago. My addiction and depression had me deep in a pit of dark despair I thought I would never get out of. It was a long slow battle, mainly with my own mind, but crawl out I did.
You can do it too. You can break this vicious cycle. I have faith in you. You have made the first step by opening up about what you are going through. It’s not easy to open up, but you did. You got this!
There are many resources and programs available to break the cycle, and defeat addiction. I wish you much success on your journey.
Ken
I hear you so deeply. Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. This cycle you’re in can feel like a loop you can’t escape from, no matter how hard you try. It’s like being stuck in a storm where every step forward feels like the wind pushes you back. The exhaustion of fighting yourself day after day is so heavy.
I personally connect with what you’ve described more than I can even put into words. I’ve been in a depression relapse myself recently, which is definitely like being trapped in a room with no doors. You try and try to break out of the patterns, but the habits pull you back, the pain makes everything harder, and the frustration of it all sticks to your skin. The dark thoughts become, in themselves, something your heart lean towards even if your mind know rationally that it’s not the right path for you. It’s hard not to feel like this is just it. As if maybe this is all you’re capable of and all you could ever expect to experience in life. There are seasons like the one you’re experiencing that make the idea of climbing out seemingly impossible.
For me, there have been moments where I feel like I’m screaming at the people around me in silence, begging them to not give up on me, even if I can’t find the words to say it out loud. There’s this song by The Killers, called “Rut”, that hits me every time I hear it, and I just wanted to share it with you as some humble encouragement, and a way to let you konw that someones right here hears you and understand how it feels: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7JorwX31CQ. It expresses how much one doesn’t want to stay feeling stuck, but is fighting against something so strong and so deep, and need people to see them, to believe in them.
You’re not broken or beyond help, my friend. You’re in the middle of something that’s so hard to carry. It makes it difficult to see beyond it, to see the world of possibilities that is still present behind the moutain to climb. You’re still trying, still searching for something better. It’s everything.
You’re not alone in this. I’m walking through my own darkness too, and even though it’s hard to see it in ourselves, I believe there’s light in you still. Keep holding on to the smallest and simplest things that can bring a smile to your face, no matter how small or insignificant it might feel to you. You deserve to feel those glimmers of light and hope in your life, and let it fill your soul with light again. You are not extinguished.
Those vicious cycles can really wreak havoc on your life. Something that has helped me to cope with them in my own life is to recognize that they’re not circles, they’re spirals. Every time you go through the wringer like that, if you can avoid giving in to self-loathing and self-hatred, you have an opportunity to pay attention to the cycle and learn more about it, and about yourself when you’re within it. If you can observe yourself without judgment in these moments, you can gain valuable perspective that you can use to one day pull yourself out. Please don’t hate yourself for going through it. That just makes it impossible to absorb the lessons on offer. You’re only human, which means you learn from mistakes, which means you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. Try to extend yourself some compassion instead of kicking yourself while you’re already down. Good luck friend.
