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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Staind - It's Been A While
There is a lot of music I avoid these days. Too many feelings associated with it.
Got custody of my son several years ago. His mother was a mess. And we were only together about 2 years. She has been in and out of jail for the last 10 years, but has been missing for about a year now. Filed missing persons stuff about 4 months ago…Nobody has any clue what’s happened. I Haven’t had a successful relationship in that 10 years, most lasted a months or two and i would eventually push them away(consciously or subconsciously).
Several of my friends have killed themselves, and several I can’t talk to anymore because they are so lost in their addictions.
I find myself trapped in my own head more than I want to be, yet still have to rise above it and raise my son.
I can fake it pretty well, because it’s been so long, and co-workers (the only real outside socializing I do) are tired of hearing me complain about the same crap over and over. So I put on my mask and go about living… feeling like I don’t do enough. I’d rather wallow in my own filth and do nothing, embrace the trash around me because thats what i feel like i deserve.
There are some music that I avoid because it makes me emotional or a bad memory in the past. It must be stressful and scary to find a missing wife within a year. I hope your able to find your wife in the future. Relationship can be challenging due to some type of conflict. I’m sorry for your loss with friend for suicide and addiction. Addiction is a hard for those to overcome. All the issues that you mentioned: don’t be so harsh on yourself. You did the best you can to make things work. However, you need to remember to take care your mental health. I feel that you don’t deserved punishment for the anything that you did in the past or present day. You are the best parent to your son. Son doesn’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. It’s good to let your son know about the mental health issue if you are comfortable. No pressure!
I can understand why your co-workers might be tired of you complaining because they also have personal problems to deal with outside of work. They can listen and support whatever your talking about. You are complaining about something but are you trying to fix the conflict. Sometimes humans make mistakes and it’s important to learn and reflect. The real world sucks but try to remain positive and hope. I don’t expect you to be happy every single day. There will be days that you might be depress and that’s totally normal. I think that you are to overcome this tough obstacle in your life. Some day your son might be proud of you as a parent when you tell about the conflict that battle in the past.
I’ve always been amazed by how your different senses trigger traumatic memeories, especially when it comes to music and the emotions different songs can produce (good or bad). Personally, it has taking me 4 years to finally start listening to music I used to enjoy but were then clouded by difficult memories.
It’s clear that you want to rise above these emotions you have, and are aware that they can’t keep festering inside you and need to be shared in order for you to process throught them. Sometimes the biggest help is just sitting down with someone you know cares, and being able to let out everything. I find that a therapist is the perfect person for this, because I know my vulnerability will not be treated as “complaining” like a co-worker may take it. There are support groups for those stuggling with grief, trauma, mental heath etc, which friends of mine have found extremely helpful because they know the people they are sharing with are dealing with the same struggles they are, and they feel less alone.
Your willingness to address the struggle your facing and desire to overcome it is so admiriable, and you are taking a great step in the right direction to find help healing from your experience.
I can understand how difficult it can be to listen to music when it brings up feelings that you don’t necessarily want to feel or memories that you don’t want to think about. I too have songs that I avoid for these very reasons as well.
I’m glad that despite everything that you are going through right now and dealing with, you are still doing and trying your best to be present and show up for your son. I know he loves you, sees you, and appreciates you.
It seems like you are in need of a support system that you can open up to and be vulnerable with that you can work through your feelings. Co-workers may not be the best outlet for this, and I can understand your hesitancy in sharing with your current friends given their struggle with addiction currently. Maybe an outside party or a professional could be a good or helpful way to find that release that you are seeking.
I hope that you are able to come to a place where you don’t feel like you have to wear a mask through life and that you can open up about your feelings and experiences in a safe place without feeling like a bother or a burden to others. You deserve so much better than trash, and I hope you come to feel the same one day. You are a strong individual, and you deserve the best.
I’m so sorry to hear about everything going on. That trapped feeling is something that’s difficult to escape, especially with other things going on. I can tell you that you’ve done a LOT. You’re here, your surviving, and you’re being the best father you can be. Music can be a reminder of bad things that have happened, but at the same time, it can help you bring you up in the worst of times. Is there any music that both you and your son like? That could be a bond for sure, and even going to some shows can help too. I’ve met some AMAZING people at concerts that I still speak to to this day, because of that common bond.
