There is still beauty

HeartSupport General
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My mind is a mess. Prior to covid and lockdowns I never experienced a real distress that would be caused by the worldwide news. Last year it came to a point for me that so many others have felt: being actively suicidal and determined to not wake up another day in this chaotic world. A huge component of what fills my depression are existential questions that never have any satisfying answer. I’m still learning to accept that sometimes it’s okay to reduce my focus and simplify.

Yesterday I’ve hit this automatic point of being on edge emotionally and physically because of the latest news regarding the ongoing conflicts. Once again. I am completely safe and not suicidal. Though I’ve spent a huge part of my day yesterday needing to sleep because my anxiety was activated on high mode. My body just shut down as my mind was running on high speed. I had this huge tiredness that prevented me to do or enjoy anything. It’s still impressive to me how I can wake up okay and have a good feeling about the day, then ending up completely down and unable to move.

Today it’s the opposite. I’m running on speed mode. Breathing is difficult. Thoughts never stop rushing even though I’m not 100% aware of them. It’s a stress that doesn’t have any practical grip. It’s just present, foggy, directionless. I feel like a machine that never stops functioning. I see myself walking way too fast in the tiny spaces of the apartment we live in.

I hate being like this because it’s all about reactions that are out of my control. But I’m getting better at seeing it when it happens, and accepting whatever needs to be done to take care of myself, even if it means to put my life under parenthesis. I haven’t worked yesterday. I couldn’t. But it’s okay. The guilt I’ve been adding to the already existing stress doesn’t need to be.

Today I decide to stand up a little more and slow down. Drawing, coloring. Getting this energy out by dancing and singing like silly (sorry neighbors, you didn’t sign for that).

All of this to say: I choose beauty. And I’m so grateful to @SheetMetalHead for reminding me of that lately. Heck this world is ugly. My heart is shattered even though I don’t feel legitimate to complain. But there is still beauty. The wind is caressing the trees outside. There are people who keep flowering tombs in the cemetery that is in front of where I live. My partner’s smile is still the most beautiful on Earth. My heart is full when I think of you, brother. The satisfaction that goes with filling blank spaces on a page with colors is so special. The recognition and love I feel for the friends I have in this community go beyond words. The hope to see my sister again fills me. And hugs. All the hugs of the world that have yet to be given. The music to dance on. The warmth of the sun. The beauty of words. The gifts to send by surprise. The scent of coffee. The weird patterns that clouds leave in the sky. The majestic lights during summer evenings.

People are still crying, hurting, falling, but beauty is also present. It’s always there, all around. I am privileged as I have the possibility to choose beauty today. I don’t want to walk away from that possibility. I choose beauty not to fool myself with delusions or denial, but to remind myself that the flowers keep growing even during times of profound desperation, could it be physical or lived in our minds.

If you feel any anxiety, helplessness or hopelessness, please don’t forget what life is worth for. It doesn’t have to be one big, philosophical or heroic reason. You are the hero of your life already.

The very possibility of your smile is enough. It is the expression of your own beauty, of the uniqueness of your existence, one that this world can only be better with. Please don’t forget the beauty all around and within. It is brilliant, majestic, meaningful, and so do you. :hrtlegolove:

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It’s all worth it. It’s all worth to keep waking up.

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The world is a beautiful place indeed and is made far more beautiful with the existance of you and here is a picture that I can share with you that also makes my world a far more amazing place and I hope it brings a smile to yours. Nothing like a bird that rests on a pillow whislt she has her head tickled. Love you as always xxx

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As always, thank you for sharing, friend. Beauty is not only in the world around us, but in the people in that world, experiencing and choosing beauty themselves. In that way, and so many others, you are beautiful.

I know how much we’ve talked about this. I know what I’ve told you about choosing beauty. It didn’t occur to me that my words actually meant anything to anyone. I am grateful, honored, and humbled that you took what I said to heart and have so actively sought beauty in the world, and documented it to make it real. The fact that my words impacted you like that though, means they are real and powerful and not casual platitudes, and that I should do a better job of taking my own advice.

I used to see beauty in the would, when I was young and full of wonder. These days, the world is just a place I move through, a venue where life takes place. Isn’t that sad? Isn’t that the exact opposite of what I preached to you? In academic terms, I know the world is more than the ugliness that gets thrust at us from the news, or the bleakness that comes from within us. I’m doing myself a disservice by not choosing to experience that, and I’m making myself a hypocrite.

You are blatant proof that there is power in what I have to say. If what I say impacts you, shouldn’t it impact me too? I need to learn to see the beauty again. I need to rediscover the childlike wonder that was once so in tune with a lifetime ago.

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Hi Micro
I am glad you have shared this :slightly_smiling_face:. I have that cat picture and I see it every day. I am sorry for the short reply but I am not doing so hot right now. Be sure that I care about you and tha you make this world so much better :wink:

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@Ashwell I know this is a hard time for you as well - and to so many, for so many different reasons. We were already collectively drained emotionally because of the pandemic, and here we are dealing with another bunch of news that we can’t control and don’t bring any tangible perspective for our future. It’s so frustrating, so discouraging, so exhausting. With this beautiful and big heart of yours, I have no doubt that you also feel very deeply for our neighbors whose lives have changed drastically.

I wish I had big words of comfort. I broke down yesterday because of stress, posted here, deleted, then came back to this post again and embraced its purpose: it is exactly because this outlook is going to be challenged that we need reminders of the beauty around us, no matter how they are. I am beyond grateful that you can see this cat picture everyday, because it is truly filled with the love and friendship I have for you. I’m blessed to know you and I hope that, through the days, you keep seeking the beauty all around and within. There is so much of it despite everything. Nothing can defeat it nor love itself.

I’m here if you need an ear to listen. You make my world better. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you Micro for these words. I am really grateful for them. You are right there are many reasons why I am struggling now and I had almost posted about it but your post gave me strength. I am glad I have that cat picture :cat:. They are so cute :heart:. I had moved it a bit and now it looks like this:

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They make every day better :wink:. I am so sorry about you having such a rough time yesterday. I would have liked to have been in a better mindset so I could support you better. All of us are struggling but we have each other and that’s what’s important :slightly_smiling_face:. I hope things get better for all of us. Much love :heart:
-Matt

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@SheetMetalHead Your impact is real and you can count on me to always remind it to you as I am part of the ones who have the privilege to be positively impacted by it. Your influence and presence are far from being insignificant. You bring so much wisdom, calm and reassurance all around. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.

To all the days we will keep seeking this child’s spirit that we all need yet never lost! :hrtlegolove:

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@Lisalovesfeathers Look at this cutie! Enjoying all the cuddles from one of the most beautiful human. It definitely brings a smile today. Thank you so much Lisa for sharing this spark of life! I’m so grateful that your lil’ buddy and you are there for each other. :hrtlegolove:

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All of us are struggling but we have each other and that’s what’s important :slightly_smiling_face:.

Absolutely. During lock-downs I felt so overwhelmed sometimes seeing so many people I love struggling at the same time, but I was drained myself and could not always be present for them. It’s a collective burden close to navigating the emotions of grief. We may not be synchronized all the time in the way we feel or our ability to be there, but we are in this together, always. There is comfort to find in this thought.

They make every day better

So do you. :hrtlegolove:

Today is tough. I feel like my mind is more and more challenged by a loss of faith in humanity. I know it’s circumstantial, yet still about an absolute reality as well. I’m still helpless in learning how to deal with this. The knowledge and awareness of what ugly things human can do tend to trigger hopelessness in me, and drains the desire to keep waking up in this reality.

More than ever grateful today to know HS as this strong bastion of hope. There’s comfort in it.

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Awwww. Thank you :blush:

So true. I can relate to this a lot. It’s hard to support someone when you are struggling yourself.

Yes it’s just… Ahhhh. It is horrible. I know how you feel. I have felt very similarly recently. Almost made a post about it. Then I saw this post. I am tired of trying but I still try. We all do. I am grateful for you and other people I know thanks to heartsupport. You all make my days better :slightly_smiling_face:

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