Yeah, there are times when it feels like there are way too many emotions to process at once, and heavy ones on top of it. It’s this rush of strong physical sensations - the pressure on your chest, the knot in your stomach, the difficulty to breathe, this feeling of having the ground being removed from under your feet so you don’t have any firm grasp on anything anymore… you’re just lost in a deep, unshaped reality that not a lot of people understand as long as they didn’t experience it firsthand. It’s as if your mind was trying to send you way too much information at once while you can only process so much at a time. Makes you want to not feel at all, to have the possibility of just being a blank page when you need it and recreate yourself all over again, to start anew and push away all the stress/fears/worries/panic that kept piling up. To just have a time - even a single moment - when you could pause everything and breathe deeply, just to feel your lungs extending as you get some air in and out.
It is so hard when, as you said, we are caught with this endless sense of panic within. The world keeps turning around you as it always does, but inside it feels like everything is falling apart and only chaos would reign. A chaos you didn’t create but that you are forced to compose with.
To me it’s the lack of perspective that adds to the pain itself - not knowing when it’s going to stop, not having the guarantee that it will, and in the meantime being utterly stuck in the present. You can’t even escape with your imagination because every sensation and thought brings you back in the very present, where panic prevails.
It surely feels like being held in a prison of our own, and the perspective of not feeling becomes a perspective of ultimate FREEDOM. Because the need for relief is immediate, and each minute spent in this emotional state feels like an eternity. You just want an escape and at least not feeling at all would be a way to create the wall that you need, a protection against the constant aggression of your mind, by your mind.
This line ‘i long for that feeling to not feel at all’ is definitely a strong one. Feeling it with you. It’s just a side note, but it also reminds me of a scene I saw years ago in the TV show “Supernatural”. There was one of the main characters who came back from hell and confessed to his brother how never ending pain it was, and how the memories of it feels unbearable. The statement “I wish I didn’t feel anything anymore” was part of the dialogues, and it stayed with me ever since. It’s this ultimate expression of reaching your limits while being deeply aware of the things you can’t change, of feeling profoundly tired and helpless in face of pain. That’s such a painful place to be in.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feedback on this song and how it resonates with you. Gave me once again food for thoughts too. 