Things have gotten a bit better since I last posted here, with “a bit better” being pretty noticeable for me, considering that everything has been feeling awful most of the time prior to this post. The improvements began when my abusive family went on vacation for a little under a week. Along with finding myself able to temporarily move around more freely throughout my house and think more clearly, I was able to attend to domestic responsibilities that I ordinarily would not be comfortable with dealing with. Still, I knew they would be coming back eventually, a source of pressure that stressed me out immensely from time to time (to the point of having a mental breakdown on one occasion), especially since my break from them was being used on essentially living the busy parts of their life. While talking about this all with a friend of mine who has been financially assisting me as much as they can, I was advised to hold my abusive family more accountable for their choices and their choices’ effects on me, prompting me to recontextualize my guilt-inducing financial assisance from them as reparation payments, get apologies out of them, and convince them to back those apologies up with things akin to more frequent payments that involve additional money.
Although I have still been living with intrusive thoughts, toxic methods of seeking reassurance, and realizations that past mistakes of mine are worse than I thought they were (e.g., seeking reassurance that I was not a zoophile last year by looking up explicit images of an anthropromorphic character that maintains animal-like proportions but acts, thinks, and speaks like a human adult to other humans, failing to recognize until recently how that is like seeking reassurance with explicit images of lolis), everything now feels awful almost most of the time.
Thank you so much for sharing about these improvements in your life – and so sorry that you topic got a bit lost over time as we’ve known lost of activity on the forum lately. It’s always an honor to have the possibility to rejoice and celebrate with a member of this community, no matter how big or small the change could be. So, thank you for taking the time to share this here, and allowing us all to hear from you.
It sounds like you have been truly navigating significant changes in terms of personal realizations and awareness. Regarding your family, regarding past behaviors, regarding the way you have been perceiving yourself for a while and how you’ve been coping with difficult emotions. There is without a doubt a lot of growth at play there, and I imagine that it can feel attracting/motivating at times to feel these changes, while also scary and confusing when it invites you to reconsider the way you’ve been seeing or doing things before.
failing to recognize until recently how that is like seeking reassurance
and realizations that past mistakes of mine are worse than I thought they were
With all of this in mind, there is room for you to work towards more self-acceptance for how the things were, and for the fact not realizing things at first only make you human. We learn, we evolve, we change and progress, and very often we need to walk through a certain journey before we are in a position to see it differently. These realizations can be painful and difficult to face, but at the same time you have not been failing before. You were composing with the means and comprehension you had access to at the time. This is a whole journey, a continuous process, and you keep learning through it all, which is a strong sign of growth.
I was advised to hold my abusive family more accountable for their choices and their choices’ effects on me, prompting me to recontextualize my guilt-inducing financial assisance from them as reparation payments, get apologies out of them, and convince them to back those apologies up with things akin to more frequent payments that involve additional money.
How did feel about this advice? Is it something that you resonate with?
Sending friendly thoughts your way today. Hold Fast.
It empowered me. Power is a scarce resource in my circumstance, and they gave some to me with their idea to hold my family accountable for what they have done, so I greatly value that feeling their words gave me.
It empowered me. Power is a scarce resource in my circumstance, and they gave some to me with their idea to hold my family accountable for what they have done, so I greatly value that feeling their words gave me.
This is so beautiful. You do have power and control, and can decide for yourself now. So thankful for your therapist as they have been supporting you, and for you by sharing about this part of your journey with us here.
A long while ago, I stopped talking to my therapist since they were showing signs of repeating the mistakes that my first one made. Not feeling able to trust an option that others with mental illness rely on is isolating. I’m really lucky to have such a close friend whom I can trust to talk about anything with.
Part of me is glad that I posted about my progress in a way that didn’t feel forced. In and of itself, that feels like progress.
