Things keep getting worse and I feel like it’s all my fault

I’m in so much mental turmoil right now guys. I was crying all night and couldn’t stop. I haven’t been okay for a while now. I haven’t wanted to go anywhere or really talk to anyone. My one best friend just told me that my other best friend was talking trash about me to her because I didn’t want to come over. She started saying how I’m a terrible friend and how I’m never there for her when I’ve been there for her every single time she’s needed me. I helped save her relationship and everything because her and her now husband were about to break up because she wanted to rush and forced her husband into getting married within a month when he wanted to wait a little longer so that they would have the money and know that this relationship was it for him. I’ve been there for her through everything. Even a few days after I got out of crisis I stayed up with her till 3-4 am letting her talk about how she was feeling when I should have been sleeping. Then she claims that she was the only person that was there for me through everything I went through and that I should only be hanging out with her because of that. That’s not even true because I had a few other people that WERE there for me. She’s been mad at me because I hung out with my sister for two days straight and says that she doesn’t understand why I was hanging out with my sister when she’s rude to me. At the end of the day, she’s still my sister and she’s been going through a lot so for her to say that makes me mad. She always makes everything about herself and the minute anything is about me or if I don’t hang out with her when she wants me to, I’m selfish and a terrible friend. She got mad at me because her husband’s best friend messaged me to hang out and I left him on read. Apparently he was so upset about it that he went to her husband and her about it and I got flipped out on. Like seriously? I don’t want to talk to any guys. I’ve went through hell and back. I don’t have to explain myself and I don’t have to answer. She never even asked me how I felt about anything. Then claims that it was wrong that I left him on read because he’s been there for me the whole time I was going through what I was going through. Which once again is a lie because that guy was NEVER there for me and I don’t when know him like that. On top of that I’m just going through a lot of anxiety and PTSD. My mind keeps on replaying all the traumatic things I’ve been through these past several months and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so emotional, yet numb lately. I’ve been so angry and isolated lately. I hate myself so much because the traumatic things I went through was all my fault. I shouldn’t have let a stupid guy manipulate me. I should have listened to my intuition and God, but I thought it was my anxiety and he had me convinced it was my anxiety. He convinced me it was my depression. I believed him. I’m so stupid for constantly pushing wrestling aside knowing how much I loved it. I loved it so freaking much. It made me so happy. I was going to be a professional wrestler. How could I be so stupid? How could I push my dreams aside? Why did God take it away from me knowing how much I loved it? Doesn’t he know how much pain I’m in? Did he take it away because of this situation and the choice I made? I know I made a mistake, but did God REALLY have to take wrestling away from me? I suffered enough with all the mental stuff I went through. I wake up every morning with this pain in my chest and regret because I miss wrestling so much. I didn’t know all of this would happen. I just want wrestling back. I want to go back in time. I miss everything. I’m so hurt and upset. I hate waking up every morning. On top of that, about almost two weeks ago HE CALLED ME. I didn’t know it was him because it was from a whole different area. I have family in that area so I thought it was one of my family members calling me off of a new number because they change their number frequently. So I picked up and it was freaking him. He said “hey I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I have to ask you a question.” I was like “okay?” He was like “do you happen to have my chains.” I was like “no.” He got quiet for a few moments like he was expecting me to ask him how he was doing or something. Then he was like “oh okay. Well bye then.” So I said “okay bye.” When he hung up I felt sick to my stomach. My legs felt like jello. I was filled with so many different emotions. I freaking started crying. It messed me up so bad because I can’t stand him. He ruined everything. He ruined my life. He ruined me. He deserves to be in jail, I’m glad he’s in there. He never deserves to be free. No other girl deserves to be a victim of what he did to me. I’m afraid for when he gets out because I’m afraid for the next girl that is like me and falls for him. I’m afraid that this time the next girl will end up committing suicide or he will kill her because of his abuse. Not only that, I just recently lost my guy best friend and it sucks not being able to talk to him. I keep feeling like it’s my fault that he’s not in my life anymore. He wanted to be in a relationship with me and I told him that I liked him, but I wasn’t ready for one. We ended up kissing a week later. We were hanging out last Wednesday and he went in to kiss me an I got nervous this time. I guess that really upset him and he wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the night and ditched plans that me, him, my friend and his cousin made. I called his brother and the cousin was there with him and I told them about how he wasn’t going to hang out with us and that I thought he was upset with me because I didn’t kiss him. His cousin went to talk to him about it and he got mad at me saying I was spilling his business and that he wasn’t even upset about that and how he can’t trust me now and that I was acting like a child going to his cousin and brother about his business. I was really upset because I didn’t mean to cause anything. Now his cousin won’t talk to him and now my guy best friend won’t talk to me and it hurts. It just feels like my life keeps getting worse and worse. I just hate my life anymore.

Hi, thank you for sharing. You’re going through so much at the moment and it feels suffocating to have to deal with so many problems at once. I know how that feels.
You don’t deserve to be taken advantage by your friend, especially since you’ve put so much effort and time into being there for her when you were needed. It’s hard, but the right friends will always notice and value what you do for them.
God is still there, he’s in waiting. Sometimes when we ask the question “Why did God have to do this to me?” the answer is simply “Because he had to and he knows better.” Even if you can’t feel it right now, his plan for you is in motion and it is currently shaping you into the person you will become; which hurts, I won’t lie. But it will get better. He’s not absent in times of hopelessness, he’s still here standing alongside you. Try to find comfort in that; no matter how many things you lose, you will never have nothing, because you’ll still have him.
I’m sorry your past trauma is resurfacing. Sometimes we do a good job at pushing that stuff out of our minds until it randomly appears and all these old and confusing emotions assault us and, like you said, ruins us. What’s important, though, is that what he did to you happened, and it’s over now. The abuse you suffered with him is over and, even though it still affects you, you have the opportunity to move on. The scars you have now are forever, but they give you discernment to be able to sniff out abuse in your relationships and other people’s relationships.
You are loved. You matter. The fight is not over, but you will win.

Hang in there friend,