I feel so alone and its all my fault. I cant even look at my fucking phone. I feel so guilty for pushing everyone away and now I’m so afraid I’ll check it and see that I pushed away the people I love the most and made them leave by being absent on and off and then off for the past 2 months. I should’ve just opened up about how I felt instead of acting like I could solve it myself. I just made everything worse by doing that. Im so fucking stupid. My depression is numbing me so hard I cant even cry right now. Not to mention my self esteem is completely dead, I feel completely ugly and disgusting which is probably true honestly. I hate myself so much.
The vaccine is out. Its spring. Im graduating in a month. I feel like I should be happy. Instead im a depressed piece of shit who, if she doesnt get her grades up, could fucking fail her senior year, and im trying so hard even though i fucking put myself in this rut. And im also a piece of shit who possibly drove away the person who cared about me the most by being depressed and absent all the time! I don’t even know because I’m too afraid to check. I’m so fucking tired of being like this. I hate depression. I just want to be fucking normal. I just want to be a good friend and family member yet I’m fucking failing and it’s all my fault. I’m a coward. I’m hideous, my chronic condition makes me want to tear my skin off and i cant afford treatment for it until god knows when, and the depression who knows too because, again, I of course had to be the severely traumatized teenager who coincidentally cannot afford treatment for fucking ANYTHING, and honestly it feels like maybe I should just go through with my plan of hanging myself that I had years ago. Its starting to feel like thats the only way out.
I’ve waited this shit out before, waited for it to get better, and it momentarily seemed like it did until that all fucking crashed down on my head too. I just feel like a mistake. I feel like less people will get hurt if I just die already. I was so confident at one point in my life and then everything got torn off me one by one by one, like that fucking scene in Cinderella where they tear apart her dress and leave it in tatters. I feel so unimportant and I feel like any importance I did have I’ve fucking squashed with my absence from everyone.
I’m so scared. This is all my fault. I just want my life back but every time I try it all collapses down on me and I can’t take another month of this depression. I can’t. I’m so fucking terrified. My depression feels like its just waiting to pounce and take me out. Why couldn’t i just be a proper functioning fucking person???
i want to start off this reply by saying that i hear you. i am here for you. and even though i’m just some random stranger replying under your post, i want you to focus on the fact that you have me on the other side of your screen who desperately wants to remind you that you are loved, you matter, and that you are understood. i do want you to know you aren’t alone since i’ve also been in a similar pattern you’re finding yourself in.
what you’re facing right now is hard as hell. i appreciate you being so open about everything you’re dealing with and also want to remind you that if those thoughts of hanging yourself come up like they have, please please please reach out to a loved one and/or a crisis line. those are free solutions that i hope you can rely on even if you haven’t spoken to that certain loved one you want to reach out to. i can say with certainty that anyone in your life will drop anything if it means proving how valuable you are to them, this world, and even to yourself.
these feelings of emptiness, despair, sadness, and regret you’re facing are such a huge beast. in order to slay it, you can’t just run in with a sword and defeat it with a one-hit KO. it takes time and small steps. if you’re concerned about your relationships, i am more than happy to help you brainstorm a “copy and paste message” to anyone in your life who needs to know that you need time to figure this all out, you want them to stay in your life as you do so, and that you find comfort in knowing they’re out there still with you. i’ve had to send that kind of message before to my close friends who i couldn’t even gather the mental strength to text/call them back during my own period of suicidal thoughts and depression. that sort of quick reminder and update gave me an almost effortless comfort and allowed me to take care of myself first. would you like me to help you craft that copy and paste message?
before this becomes a novel, i’ll end this reply by saying something you might not have heard in awhile: you are loved, you are valued, and you are appreciated. if there’s anything i can do to help you make things less hard for you, i am here always.
please promise me you’ll do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself this weekend whether it’s marathoning a tv show, creating art, going on a walk, etc… just focus on yourself now and we’ll go from there, okay?
Hi Twix, I want to thank you for replying. Your support really means the world to me and it’s so kind. I’ve tried to spend the weekend taking care of myself but it’s been difficult. At this point every day is the same, and it has been for 2 months now, and I’m so sick of it, but every time I try to escape I feel like I just fall deeper in. I already had sent out a message and let people know what was going on but it’s been nearly a month or two since I’ve talked to most of them because of how terrified I am about everything. Now I don’t know if people are fed up with my silence, and I also have no clue if I’ve driven away the person closest to me because the two times I’ve tried to let them know how sorry I am for how silent I’ve been, a few days go by and I still don’t see a reply. Eventually I just give up and let my phone die.
It really is a huge beast, and I’m just so tired of fighting it. It’s been more than 4 years since I began my battle with depression as well as a physical chronic condition simultaneously. It’s been so difficult and it’s been so debilitating. I was finally in remission from the depression last year but it didn’t last long, obviously. I really do want to get better but it’s so hard when it feels like it never ends, and it definitely doesn’t help that I’m graduating next month and not exactly doing anything afterwards except having to get my license and a job, which most of my peers already have.
Now I just feel like by isolating myself I’ve potentially made it even worse because if I’ve driven away my closest friends I’m going to be alone at graduation and for god knows how long afterwards. I’m so terrified. So much of my life has been unwillingly spent alone and isolated and it’s so depressing. I finally felt like my life was on track but it feels like every time I do I hit a bump in the road and it all crashes down on me.
Again, thank you for your kind words. It is so appreciated. I want to be able to believe that I can be loved and valued. I just wish it weren’t so difficult.
I’ve read the whole conversation and just wanted to say that I hear you. I struggle with depression too, and there’s not enough words to express how much living with this condition sucks. I also have chronic, physical conditions that prevent me to do many things that would actually help to fight against my depression, which is a very vicious and frustrating cycle. It feels like it drains the life out of us, and the worst part is how much it remains invisible to most people.
Please know that you are loved dearly and your existence makes a difference. It may not seem obvious to you right now, but it’s very real and true. Having a depression can be extremely challenging, especially when it’s about distinguishing what belongs to our depression, and what belongs to our heart. You are not made to disappear. You are not invisible. You are not alone. Keep saying a big “NO” to this voice in your mind that tries to convince you otherwise. This darkness happens to be part of your life, but it doesn’t define you.
I’m aware that it doesn’t give solutions to say this, but I’m right there with you on this battle. I’m not always sure if I’m standing against my depression or against myself sometimes, but what I know is that we don’t have to fight only by ourselves. Thank you for being here and for sharing your heart. This is a major step that you’ve been taking, one that allows you to show to yourself that you ARE worthy of love, care, and to keep pushing forward. There is more to live than all of this shit. I promise. And even in the midst of what seems hopeless, we can continuously seek sparks of life, joy, and peace.
You are loved dearly. Welcome in this online family.
^^^^ Just different places to connect with our community. You are not alone. When it feels like life is failing us, we can seek good connections and lift each other up. Together we’re stronger.
