This is a topic from YOUTUBE. Reply as normal, and we will post it to the user on YouTube.
Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
This 1 hits home for many of us. My brother took his own life, I buried him on my 18th bday, & I’ve felt guilty my whole life bc just 2wk prior, he called me & told me that he intended to walk that path as soon as he tied up some business, &, in my adolescent mind that had only known 1 other person who’d done such, I thought he was trying to express a weakness, I often heard from teachers & classmates that ppl whom really intend to end it, they aren’t going to blatantly say it but instead may leave a note or give hints like giving away a bunch of personal items while displaying a shift in behavior. My brother told me that he didn’t see any pt in going on bc he discovered the meaning of life, & he couldn’t cope w/seeing what he did on the daily, working as a director @ Big Brothers, Big Sisters of America. I was @ school all day w/this horrible intuitive feeling to be told by my father when I’d gotten home that my brother was dead, by this time it had been over 2yr since my mother, the shared parent of my (“half”) brother & I, had disappeared after traumatizing us w/a lie that she was dying of pancreatic cancer & then left a note we found wks after she disappeared that said she was leaving to go die so her kids didn’t have to witness her degeneration & death. My brother & I had gotten extremely close when my mom disappeared bc she did the same thing to he & our older brother to go be w/my father & escape her abusive ex-husband, but she left the boys to be raised by his alcoholic ass, then she chose my father, a paranoid schizophrenic, to have 2 daughters w/I was also the youngest of that set of children, like my brother, Chris, & we found each other @ a punk rock concert, I didn’t even recognize him entirely bc I hadn’t seen him in nearly 5yr, I just knew in my gut that the guy looking @ me from the balcony was familiar, & he came running down the stairs, bear hugged & spun me around, then goes, “Don’t you recognize your own fkn brother?” After that, we @ least spoke on the phone for like 2hr every wknd & hung out whenever he wasn’t working or volunteering in community outreach. I idolized him, & then, when he died, I felt like I had to apologize to his father & our other 2 siblings bc I knew & did not stop him, but then, his father, he told me that he knew too, that he drove North 2hr to bring him back home to watch over him bc he too got that feeling from Chris, then Chris told him that he was going to walk down the st to visit his childhood friend, &, instead, Chris walked down to the freeway & hitchhiked back to his house where he penned a letter for both his father & our mother, he dialed the county sheriff, & he said, “I live @ this address, I’m currently loading my shot gun to end my life. Please come & take my body away so no 1 in my family has to see it,” &, while the phone was still connected to dispatch, he stepped in his shower, drew the curtain, positioned his weapon, turned on the water, & pulled the trigger. My sister began working @ the hospital the EMTs took him, & he apparently did not die on scene despite a shotgun shell to the noggin, he lived just over 1hr after arriving to the hospital. About 1yr after burying Chris on my bday, having had no real relationship w/our mother whom obv faked cancer to go be w/what turned out to be her hs sweetheart, I’m a freshman @ university w/my 1st ever personal pc, & I’m sitting in my dorm room w/my drunken stranger of a roommate I’d just met a month prior, & I’m working on a zoology research project when I get an email from an addy I recognize as being my mother’s name, subject line merely stating, “The Letter”, & inside the email the only thing typed was my brother’s suicide note, no warning nor discussion, no asking me prior if I wanted it or needed it for closure, & it was then that I drank for the 1st time, as I had been straight edge my entire jr high & hs experience. That letter, seeing how my brother was thinking & feeling, it crushed me even further. My grades dropped a tad, I had to wd from a class & retake it the following semester bc I wasn’t coping well w/20hr worth of classes & depression. Ppl don’t understand how many others will be haunted by their choices. Luckily, w/the invention of sm, I’ll get random msgs from some of my brother’s old friends & the girl he was seeing, they’ll upload photos I’d never seen of my brother or they’ll lmk that they went & cleaned his grave & replaced his gifts & added fresh flowers bc my brother’s father buried him hrs away from his maternal family. He was so hip, everyone loved him, & it sucks to know that he felt everyone resented him or merely pretended to care, when the truth is that there were ppl lined up clear around the block for his svc. I shared my chair w/his girl bc his father & stepmother felt like she didn’t belong in the family row, & I know my brother was proud of me in that moment. 