I found help here when I was younger and feeling hopeless. Maybe, now that I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ll find help here again.
Ever since I was eleven or twelve years old, I’ve struggled with disordered eating and body image issues. Starving myself is something I’m really used to; after more than half a decade of on-and-off relapses, anorexia nervosa stops feeling weird and just becomes part of your routine. All these years, I’ve been completely alone in dealing with my eating issues. Somehow, I repeatedly managed to recover from them without any outside help. My eating patterns have never been quite healthy, but I was always able to deal with it… up until now. This time, I’ve spiraled out of control, and I’m way beyond being able to talk myself into eating again.
I don’t know when or how it got this bad, but I’ve barely consumed any food these past few months. On good days, I have one small meal consisting of maybe 200 calories. On bad days, I just don’t eat. I have a lot of bad days.
Despite significant weight loss, despite my hair falling out, despite watching my best friend break into tears in front of me because “You look so boney now and it scares me sh*tless…” I’ve been in denial that I have a problem. Up until a few days ago, I was so convinced that I was fine, I’d shut down anyone who tried to tell me differently. It took a near-death experience for me to admit that I’m not okay anymore. I’m not okay, and I haven’t been.
At this point, any sane person would see a doctor or therapist and get some help, but nope, not me. Because every time I even think about recovering, I get that little voice inside my head telling me, “Just lose fifteen more pounds, and then you can stop. Just keep going a little longer. When you’re skinny, you can eat again.”
So I’m lost. I’m miserable, all my friends are hurting because of me, and my body is beginning to shut down. I have no idea what to do anymore. I want to be free from this. I’m so tired.
Any form of help or advice would be appreciated. Sending lots of love everyone’s way.