This is how I've been feeling

I don’t even know where to begin. It just be rambling when I’m done.

I’m a woman. 30y/o. Mother of 1(he’s 2.5)
Full time job. Full mom. Full time house wife* (not married)

I feel so much stress lately. I’ve been crying for a few days now.

I feel so alone. I do not talk to my mom. We had a falling out back in Feb. I tired to reach out thinking i was ready, and im not.

I only have so many ppl i can reply on or talk to. My boyfriend yes, but these emotions i feel are indescribable. And i hate bothering him with them all the time.

All my family live in a different state. So i really only have my family i made. And a few friends. But we know how life is. No time for anything but work and home.

I lack motivation. I lack confidence. I lack so much right now. I’m a GM to my job. So I have a lot of responsibility. All of this right now is TOO much. I keep saying to myself in head “i wanna die” i havent felt like this in a while. I dont wanna die. Im just physically mentally and emotionally exhausted. I barely eat some days. Dont brush my teeth all the time. Trust me my son gets all that he needs. But when it comes to me… nope. I could care less.

I dont like this feeling. I feel it often and im tired of it. I have so much more to say. But too scared to say or share.

6 Likes

Hello and welcome to the HS community! I’m so glad you’re here and that you’ve felt safe enough to share what’s on your heart with us!

I imagine being a single mother doesn’t leave a great deal of time for you to have some time for yourself, to destress and maybe even to focus on those things that you haven’t had motivation to do. I don’t have kids if my own, but even my nephew and niece can keep me on my toes when I hang out with them.
So I do really want to say what an amazing job you are doing!

It also must be really hard to have your family living so far away from you, do you have friends close by? I know you mentioned your boyfriend, and goodness I totally can empathise with feeling like you’re just dumping something on someone too much. That’s where the healthy boundaries and communication can be so important. They can tell you if they’re finding things overwhelming and help come up with a solution to where you can turn and what you need so you’re not just being isolated with your feelings and hurt.
For example, sometimes when I am too overwhelmed I have a tendency to just shut down and push people away, my partner has told me that this isn’t healthy and I need to not push him away because it hurts him, and then I also told him that he needs to give me some space- so the compromise there was that I would kindly communicate that I’m frustrated and need space and when I’m ready I will talk to him about it. Both needs met.
I hope that kind of makes sense and helps you feel like you’re not being a bother.

I also commend you for being so brave to reach out to your mother. I’m sorry it didn’t turn out all too well, but you did try and acknowledged you weren’t ready. It can feel like such a strange feeling wanting to reach out but then also having hurt. I know I may not know all the details, but your feelings are valid and as I said, you did something so brave.

As stated I know it must be so hard when you have a child to look after, but sometimes we do need those moments for ourselves. It’s not selfish and it’s something everyone needs. Does your little one go to day care or have a baby sitter so you can take even just an hour or two out of the day to just destress, take a bath, eat a donut, cry, draw, pop some bubble wrap- literally anything you want!
And I want to reassure you that there is no judgement here. You don’t have to ever feel like anyone would judge how you look after your child, we care about you and want you to come in a journey to feel whole again.
Thank you for being here x

Thank you taking the time out of your day to respond. Unfortunately no, my son doesnt attend day day care. We plan on it this time next year. With the whole pandemic thing, high costs, we work around each other schedules to watch him. Which in return is stressful on both of us.

I don’t have my license either so that can be a burden to my SO. I plan on getting it back this month. Just have a fine to pay.

In regards to my mother. My relationship with her went down the drain towards the end of her marriage with my step dad. She has her own healing to tend too. It just wasn’t until i invited her over 1 day and i really saw her true colors. I think we both equally feel hurt. But at the end of the day i know that i put in some sort effort, whetherit be a text sending her my love or a have a great day. This relationship wasn’t always for me but for my son. I feel like shes using us as excuse not to come around. After we texted back and forth i knew her mind was still in the same spot. Im however been trying to change. I have a child now who deserves a better life. My childhood wasn’t bad but there were some hiccups. I’ve come to remember certain things that i might have forgotten or buried. Thinking of them are kind of weird and makes u question.

I often just need some support. Any kind. My bf is great. I love my family. Its the stress of life that really gets me.

It doesn’t help im a recovering addict as well. Took me some time to come to terms with that.

In words of Kid Cudi “cant stop this war in me.”

Everyday is a struggle. Some days are better than others.

1 Like

Hello Chroghan, welcome in! It’s so great to meet you.

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through all this, it sounds like you have so much on your plate. Being a full time mom and going to work full time is a lot to manage, I want to say how amazing it is that you are balancing all of it right now.

Is there any way you can coordinate with your boyfriend to have some time just for you? It’s easy to lose ourselves in those first few years of having kids, my youngest will be 4 and I’ve just recently barely started finding myself again. I definitely couldn’t have done it without the support of my husband though. Is there any way to find time to prioritize yourself and do something just for you? Any hobbies?

Aside from that, if you are able to then I would totally recommend seeing a therapist or doctor as well. I feel like that could help immensely with the depression symptoms. It may also help with the things you mentioned about your childhood and the relationship with you mother.

You are doing absolutely amazing, and it’s a total win that you came here to speak your truth and seek validation and help. There is hope for a more manageable life! Please take care of yourself and know that you are welcome to post here any time! <3

1 Like

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, Welcome to the forum, thank you for posting. I can relate to having a child and giving them what they need and neglecting myself. I did that too. I think a lot of moms do that to be honest. I tried to make time for myself and that helped some. Have you thought about talking to a therapist? It might help you to work some things out so you can cope a little better with things. Take care! ~Mystrose

1 Like

From: Solemnis

Welcome to Heartsupport! It sounds really like a lot what you have to tackle and manage. I’m sorry that life feels so difficult for you right now. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of energy required to be able to do all this. Even though you feel so bad right now you also deserve to be proud of yourself. You brought new life into this world and raising your child alone, working at the same time. That is a lot! It is understandable that you don’t feel like taking care of yourself because you want to conserve energy to take care of your son. But don’t forget that it is helpful if you also take care of yourself. You deserve to recharge and selfcare.

1 Like

My word, congratulations on your recovery! That’s huge and you deserve to take a moment to really feel so proud of yourself! I’m so so amazed by what you have overcome with that and being the best parent you can be.
It breaks my heart hearing you feel like you are burdening your partner. It’s hard to know that you do have to rely on them, but feel like you can’t do those things for yourself, but that in a sense is love isn’t it?
We do what we can for the people we love because you do not seem like the type of person to abuse that love.
You’re so grateful to the point you feel guilty, and I do wish you to have some grace upon yourself. It sounds like you would single handed my do everything yourself if you could, but you do deserve to have people around to support you.

1 Like

I want to thank everyone who replied to me. These past few days haven’t been that bad. I prayed b4 work. My team has been doing a great job. :+1:

Maybe my period coming took me down my sad self loathing path… but im much better today.

Its funny how our bodies do that.

I also think that writing everything out helps. I would live to see a therapist just dont knkw when.

1 Like

Today was a bad day. I am my own destruction. I cannot continue with myself.

Battling addiction is hard. I had to work tonight. I went in 1.5hr late. I needed “to relax”. But i couldn’t. I cried several times. I ever tried to get someone to cover me. Nothing. No one knows my pain.

NO ONE KNOWS THIS BATTLE. I dont wanna be that vaunerable.

My driver(employee) took me outside to try and help. He asked questions. I gave what i could think of or what i was willing to share. I hate crying in front of him. Or anyone.

I wasn’t a good team leader. I let some customers down due to my lack of training.

I felt terrible today. But its just 1 day.

I feel very bad about all of it. I’m crying typing this out.

I try to put positive thoughts and words out my mouth.

Then i take it bacl and say i dont deserve it.

I dont deserve to be happy.

I have always thought this, “If I could clone myself, I could make everyone happy.”

But what about me?
What about me?

1 Like

Idk if anyone is reading my posts. I keep adding bc I need to let these thoughts out.

For a while, probably since my birthday (Jan) I’ve felt like a loss to my bf. I try to open up about my addiction, feelings, and thoughts to him. But idk if I’m getting what I want?(need) out of him. Do I just want him to listen or do I want his feedback? His job had this little sheet for people who need help. I haven’t even tried to call the number.

I am a VERY emotional girl. I cry at everything. Being strong for myself, my son, my work team, and my bf is HARD. I am only 1 person. I struggle every day.

I wanna use for my own selfishness. But i know what it does to me, and I don’t want that feeling anymore. I want to feel in control. Am I?

Twice in a week now he has “thrown” in my face about not having a license.(it really hurts my feelings) I have a goal to get it back this month. Why isn’t that enough? Even upon getting my license I’m still gonna be scared to drive.

I want to say also that I love my bf. But over the past month I felt our relationship has been stale. I’ve found videos and pictures of girls in the “cloud” on his old IPAD. I got upset. That was a maybe a few months ago. I went to check again and for some reason his account isn’t linked. But mine is. I never signed up for an icloud email… so i found that to be very weird. I know men will be men.

After having our son, our sex life hasn’t been as sexy as it was when we first met. During pregnancy I didn’t want it. I’m at the heaviest I’ve been. He says he doesnt care. But I CARE. I care about my pubic hair being long or not. I care about my figure. I care about my hair. I care about what I can or will not wear in public. I’m not as confident as I used to be. I wanna be me again. I WANT HER SO BAD!

I remember always wanting to feel desired or wanted. I still do. I’ve always wanted to take sexy pictures in beautiful lingerie or cute clothes. But never have. Always bc I was too scared my significant other wouldn’t approve. But isn’t my happiness important too? Isn’t what I want matter?

I remember he told me to focus on MY happiness. Thats hard to do when you’re a GM of your own store, a mother, and a pleaser to your man. I always make sure him and our son are good b4 me. I haven’t even eaten today. But I brought home pizza and wings for them.

There is so much house hold work to be done.

SO much outside work like appts. WIC, 2.5 yr check up, call insurance company to get insurance, call my sons insurance to update shit, get a pap for myself bc its been a while, maybe attend an narcotics anonymous meeting, get my teeth cleaned, get groceries, pay bills. Being an adult is the heardest thing. Being a parent is just has hard.

Im so self obsorbed I don’t spend the time I need to with my son. But I cry in my room wishing things were better. When I could just get up and sit wtih him. Or fold the laundry from 3 weeks ago. Make the bed. Do some stretches or a small exercise…

But my mind tells me I do not deserve it. I dont deserve to be a mother. Happy. A loving partner. A kind person. To be sexy or funny or smart.

BUT I have been told otherwise.

Am I only good for being a servant? A slave to work? A slave to my own thoughts?

One day at a time.
One task at time
One word at a time.

I am hurting, and I am trying to let my partner know. I’ve let my supervisors know. But my home life doesn’t feel the same anymore. I just wanna know be happy.

2 Likes

Hello Croghan,

i feel sorry for you that you have so much you worry about.
The first and right step ist to let all of your thoughts out. Do this as much as you want it, you will feel
better afterwards. Dont let you mind get full with thoughts, speaking out is a very good thing.
I am living on my own for a long time now. So it seems like the complete opposite from you.
We all struggle every day, i feel so often overwhelmed with everything in my life right now.
My undies were hanging in my floor for about 2 weeks, my drying rack was empty before i
had my new laundry done.

You can be really proud of yourself, running your own store, beeing a mom and gf. You care about
them. You deserve everything in this world, love, happiness
Get yourself some time for you, try to get some happiness out of little things that you like.
Step by step, even little steps matter.

We care about you, we are here for you and we take time to read and be there for YOU.
Thank you for reaching out my friend, feel hugged :purple_heart:
Greetings and have a nice day

1 Like

We will keep you in prayer I hope your situation gets better

1 Like

Update: when my bf and I went to bed we had the most heart to heart conversation. He understood how I felt. That was all I wanted. We held hands, hugged, cried together, laughed and shared our worries. I felt so much better after talking with him.

Thank you guys for all you’re kind words. I’m ready to take on the day!.

2 Likes

I’m very happy for you I hope everything works out for you

Hey

I am glad you were able to connect with your partner about this stuff. I know you were concerned about it being overwhelming to him. On the same hand life is going to keep being life and things may build up again.

just a thought, if it has a place in your lives: It might be good to set aside a time of day or a day of the week for “real talk” or whatever to check in. It might be worth it to ask/give permission to press you a little bit in case you…you know need to talk but feel sheepish about it for whatever reason.

Anyhow, you have needs too even if its just being able to talk and hear that you count too. Its both ok…and important for you to let them be know and to let yourself be taken care of as well.

take care, good luck.

I feel like our heart to heart gave us both clarity. He said everything in his own words how I had been feeling. Still feeling. To know that he understands means so much to me. Bc I was so afraid that he didn’t or couldn’t understand.

I know we both have our own paths. Working together for our son is the most important thing. We have to be happy people in order to be in a healthy and happy relationship. To lead by example for our son.

We also prayed together too. He taught me more about the bible. I have felt since the day we met that God lead me to him.

I’m having such a blessed day. :raised_hands:

Again thank you all for your kind words.

1 Like

I can have a good day. But intrusive thoughts keep my depression at bay…

When I got up from my nap, I felt sad again. But my bf helped me out of it. We made dinner together. BLTs, and madenour little guy some nuggies and fries. I really appreciate his efforts to helping me.

I cry a bit at first, after waking. But I’m okay now.

One day at a time.

1 Like

I wrote my mother. Really a long text. I can’t really explain what happened and why our relationship fell apart. I hope she understands now, how I feel. The message would have seemed like she sent it. Very heartwarming and loving. Something she should be telling me instead I’m telling her.

My mind is all over the place. All I really wanna do is lay day down and cry. I just feel as if I have so much more to let go of. And I probably do.

Talking with my bf was 1 step
Healing my relationship with my mother is another.
Growing as GM at my is yet another.
Being a mote active parent is yet another.

I know I keep saying 1 step at a time.
I know that’s how itnhas to go.

I write here alot bc I have so many thoughts. I need to let it all out. I cannot bottle up anymore. I know I should see a therapist. So I can better understand myself. My past. My future. Everything in between.

I never called the insurance guy like I was supposed too. Guess I’ll have to do that tomorrow.

I never want to feel like a burden. Why do I always tho?

1 Like

Hello again,

you are doing great so far. Remind yourself that little steps matter, remind yourself what you have done
by now. Reaching out to your mom about your relationship is great and another step.
For me now, seeing a therapist was by far the most difficult but the best decision i took recently.
It helps me a lot. I do struggle, i do have my thoughts, a good and a bad day. But you will learn how
to manage all of it, manage your thoughts and feelings and the why.
Give yourself the time. Its a good thing that you let is out here, maybe write a journal for yourself.
To let is all out only by writing helps me to see what i have done and what lies ahead of me.
Your mind also needs to manage all of this, positive and negative things. Its all one cup.

Thank you for posting and sharing. You are not a burden, you are strong my friend. You are a
loving mother and daughter and girlfriend.
I hope you have a nice day and feel hugged,
Greetings