Idk if anyone is reading my posts. I keep adding bc I need to let these thoughts out.
For a while, probably since my birthday (Jan) I’ve felt like a loss to my bf. I try to open up about my addiction, feelings, and thoughts to him. But idk if I’m getting what I want?(need) out of him. Do I just want him to listen or do I want his feedback? His job had this little sheet for people who need help. I haven’t even tried to call the number.
I am a VERY emotional girl. I cry at everything. Being strong for myself, my son, my work team, and my bf is HARD. I am only 1 person. I struggle every day.
I wanna use for my own selfishness. But i know what it does to me, and I don’t want that feeling anymore. I want to feel in control. Am I?
Twice in a week now he has “thrown” in my face about not having a license.(it really hurts my feelings) I have a goal to get it back this month. Why isn’t that enough? Even upon getting my license I’m still gonna be scared to drive.
I want to say also that I love my bf. But over the past month I felt our relationship has been stale. I’ve found videos and pictures of girls in the “cloud” on his old IPAD. I got upset. That was a maybe a few months ago. I went to check again and for some reason his account isn’t linked. But mine is. I never signed up for an icloud email… so i found that to be very weird. I know men will be men.
After having our son, our sex life hasn’t been as sexy as it was when we first met. During pregnancy I didn’t want it. I’m at the heaviest I’ve been. He says he doesnt care. But I CARE. I care about my pubic hair being long or not. I care about my figure. I care about my hair. I care about what I can or will not wear in public. I’m not as confident as I used to be. I wanna be me again. I WANT HER SO BAD!
I remember always wanting to feel desired or wanted. I still do. I’ve always wanted to take sexy pictures in beautiful lingerie or cute clothes. But never have. Always bc I was too scared my significant other wouldn’t approve. But isn’t my happiness important too? Isn’t what I want matter?
I remember he told me to focus on MY happiness. Thats hard to do when you’re a GM of your own store, a mother, and a pleaser to your man. I always make sure him and our son are good b4 me. I haven’t even eaten today. But I brought home pizza and wings for them.
There is so much house hold work to be done.
SO much outside work like appts. WIC, 2.5 yr check up, call insurance company to get insurance, call my sons insurance to update shit, get a pap for myself bc its been a while, maybe attend an narcotics anonymous meeting, get my teeth cleaned, get groceries, pay bills. Being an adult is the heardest thing. Being a parent is just has hard.
Im so self obsorbed I don’t spend the time I need to with my son. But I cry in my room wishing things were better. When I could just get up and sit wtih him. Or fold the laundry from 3 weeks ago. Make the bed. Do some stretches or a small exercise…
But my mind tells me I do not deserve it. I dont deserve to be a mother. Happy. A loving partner. A kind person. To be sexy or funny or smart.
BUT I have been told otherwise.
Am I only good for being a servant? A slave to work? A slave to my own thoughts?
One day at a time.
One task at time
One word at a time.
I am hurting, and I am trying to let my partner know. I’ve let my supervisors know. But my home life doesn’t feel the same anymore. I just wanna know be happy.