This is my first share

I have been following this forum since September 2019 after I was discharged from the hospital. I joined an out-patient support group but find it very difficult to open up. I haven’t been able to share at all. I have been in therapy for 16 months and it’s been the same, although I have been able to share my experience with childhood sexual abuse and assault. I find it difficult to expand on though processes or just how I’m feeling in general. A nurse, 31 y/o F, wife, mother of 3 and I live pretty solitary despite all that.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder as a teen and I have never felt 100% behind it. In July 2019 I felt that the walls in my home were breathing, I chalked it up to missing sleep for 3-4 days. Then in December 18th and 20th I could hear someone speaking names to me but there was no one there, just a float voice. Lately there has been a lot of knocking. I record it on my phone to see if I can hear anything but I don’t hear it played back to me. This last time I was worried because it was so loud I thought it would wake the kids and I asked my husband if he could hear it because I noticed he wasn’t moving and he usually sleeps light, he said there was nothing there. So I think maybe it me and I hate it.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I just wonder what the point is. I’ve been feeling so low, I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I think my family would be better off but I try to tell myself that I am not thinking clearly. I don’t know the solution. Even the solution doesn’t matter. Years from now not even my not being here will matter. Sorry for rambling. Also thanks for listening

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You are definitely going through alot. Sleep is important and can impact your mental-state. I would definitely mention to your doctor/therapist you are hearing things that are not there. It sounds like there are many things you should go over with that person.
We all at times have irrational thoughts. But I can assure you your family needs you to be there and needs you to be alive.

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Thank you for your response. My therapist is aware but my psychiatrist is not. I am hesitant to share because I don’t want it documented in my chart. I also don’t want to be seen as “crazy.” I know that may be unlikely to happy from a mental health professional, but the judgement worries me. Anyways, appreciate your advice. Thank you

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If they’re a professional they will not judge you as crazy. Their job is to evaluate and help you.

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You’re not crazy, you’re sick. And if you’re sick, a doctor can help you. Maybe it’s a lack of sleep, maybe it’s something more, but a psychiatrist can help you determine the difference. Legally, what is discussed between you and your doctor doesn’t leave the room.

Hearing names and knocking sounds terrifying. But 2 things: It’s not your fault so it’s not something to hate yourself for, and you have enough on your plate with BPD that you shouldn’t be expected to deal with hearing things too.

Between therapy and reaching out to a psychiatrist for BPD, by now you know that the hardest part is the first step of reaching out for help. I understand not wanting them to think of you as “crazy” or have this written in a chart. That can feel really vulnerable. But you deserve to live better than that, and they can help you find peace. It won’t be so hard after the first visit.

I’m really glad to hear you have a husband who seems to at least be understanding, 3 kiddos who give you something greater than yourself to live for, and a steady job to keep you in a routine! Those are 3 really huge blessings! Keep them in mind as you make it through this tough time. Sending prayers and good vibes. Keep us updated.

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Hi friend,

I can only imagine how stressful it must be, to be going through these things and it be so isolated in it. But I’m glad that you are going to be seeing someone who can help you.

When I was a teenager. About 16 and 17 I began to experience very dark hallucinations and feeling things that I could not explain. I was terrified and did not know what to do or how to feel. Later I begin to experience hearing things. Voices. Music. Nonsensical things. It was a very trapping feeling. I honestly do not remember how it was resolved. It was so long ago. Most of it went away. There have been times in my adult life as things have gotten more stressful and when anxiety was high, that I’d hear things. It was very hard to open up to people about because I feared judgement. I was in the middle of therapy when I lost my insurance.

Friend, I don’t know your specific experiences or how those feel for you, but I know how mine made me feel. And I just want you to know that you are not alone. Things can be healed and worked through. So just be open and honest with your doctors and therapists so that they can work with you through it.

Sweetheart, nobody is better off without you. I know it’s hard right now but what you are experiencing is a valid thing to feel so anxious and frustrated about. But your life is important. You are important. Keep fighting. Things can get better.

When things start to get rough. Please know that you can reach out here and share your heart and mind all that you need to. We care about you. :heart:

Are you in our discord? https://discord.gg/MzGhWs

I encourage you to join us and be a part of this community family. Check out the twitch side of the community. Discord tells us when they all go live. Dan and Casey are two very wonderful people who constantly are offering love and compassion on a regular basis and offer all of us a safe place to be among friends and others who are also struggling. A place where we all can support each other. So if you haven’t already been a part of that, I encourage you to. This community has changed so much of my life this last year.

I’m sending you so much love my friend.

hugs

  • Kitty
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Therapy is something that I do as well and for me it helps. Definitely go tomorrow and let them know everything that you wrote down on the support wall. I told mine about Heart Support and they think that its awesome that I found another resource that is doing good for me. Find things that do good for you and keep doing them.

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From: natetriesagain

wow, that’s so much that you have on your shoulders…to feel so hopeless, like you’re fighting so hard and yet not getting anywhere…believe me, I get what it’s like to strive and feel like you fall over and over and over. I love one of the things that my wife says…she says, “Failing is fine. We just try again.” I think this is a community where you are safe to fail, and safe to try again. Each time you get back up and try again is that it gets easier. Hold fast, friend

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Thank you for your response.

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Thank you for responding, for sharing your experiences and your suggestions. I had my appointment but could not work up the courage to share, maybe next time. Also, thank you for posting the link. Could you resend it please, I registered too late/it has expired.

Thank you for responding and for your kindness. I will have to remember that, “Failing is fine. We just try again.” Very grateful for the support of this community.

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Thank you for your response. I fell flat on my face this time but maybe next time I will work up the courage. I am happy to hear that therapy has worked for you, that certainly gives me hope.

Yea no problem. Here you go https://discord.gg/YRxGpE

Thank you , appreciate it.