I haven’t talked to her again. Don’t think I ever will.
She said she’ll talk to me in January and asked me to tell her if I don’t wanna talk to her anymore a few days before if I want, but honestly I don’t even wanna answer if she emails me. I’m tired of doing what she asks me to, she disrespected my boundaries and I know the answer isn’t ghosting her back but I’m honestly entertaining the idea, perhaps cuz I’m still extremely hurt.
Whatever, I know I won’t do that to her but I’m still very hurt she believes time will heal me. I seem to have improved to others but I just feel empty and cold and cry every once in a while. Can’t even shower without crying.
I like to believe she doesn’t think about me at all and that she never liked me, I like to believe she won’t ever miss me at all. It does feel like it. She’s giving me so many mixed signals that I don’t know what else to think.
I just really just want to fucking die already, but now I’m starting to want it for myself and not just to “protect others from the menace I am”. I’m tired of dealing with everything: college, gathering the courage to grow up, trying to understand how the adult world works when I didn’t bother to build all the necessary skills because I thought I’d die before graduating high school, and now my parents wanna move out of the country, and- I just hate everything in my life so much.
But I did stop crying so much every day and think less about my ex. I hate being unable to feel safe after this, can’t win, but I guess I’m trying. That should count as progress, right?
I just wish she’d run to me and apologize and say she’s never leaving me again at all, but dreaming never got me anywhere, it got me to someone who ghosted me. I hate myself for being so naive… Whatever.
I’ve been virtually immobilized by grief a couple of times. I did go to work, but do practically nothing because I couldn’t concentrate. I’m surprised they let me keep my job. I couldn’t sleep until I was totally exhausted, then I’d wake up in tears.
College, and a few years beyond is the time people begin to understand how the adult world works. I’m not sure any adult has a full understanding. If you can understand how to pay the bills and do the laundry, you are already ahead of a lot of your peers.
It’s time to stop discouraging yourself with negative self talk. You don’t deserve to treat yourself as badly as you do. You’re certainly not a menace to anyone.
Coping with loss can be helped through some kind of healthy diversion, such as reading, exercise, hobbies or even volunteer activities. This might also be a time to learn about life management skills, such as managing bills and credit, transportation expenses and so on.
For now, focus on short-term goals that keep your options open for pursuing longer-term goals. Ask yourself, “what can I do today that will help me?” Sometimes, the best thing to do is goof off, but if that’s what you decide, forget about guilt. When you allow time off to be a satisfying experience without regret, you’re more likely to be refreshed mentally and emotionally, therefore better prepared to take on necessary tasks.
Thank you Wings, I have been doing so in the last few days and it’s helping. I’m trying to push aside my doubts and focusing a little more on rebuilding my confidence on my skills.
I miss her every day, but I have stopped crying often and don’t think about her for such long periods of time. I hope I’ll be able to leave her in the past someday, and never talk to her again at all. I still do think I’ve hurt her too much and that it’d probably be better to never be part of her life again.
Not sure I can be friends with someone who ignored me when I felt like killing myself either. No matter the reason, it’s still too much for me, and it hurts cuz I truly trusted her.