This Place

[MyNameIs]

This is a good place. I’ve sat in the shadows for a while. I’ve posted only once before but I have read so many outpourings of the heart. Genuinely this is a great place.

Truthfully I wish I felt better. I am not worse and I am not improved. I feel the same. Honestly I think I would be worse if I didn’t come here and see such great expressions of kindness towards people. That I can at least admit keeps me from spiraling downward.

I can’t stand how I feel. How I wish my existence had worth. I wish could get away from feeling so alone even in a crowded room. The fact is life is complicated. From what I have come to understand through my life now is that I am seriously flawed. A defective person. It would seem that the results of my life make sense by this understanding and that is at least a comfort albeit further depressing.

[NateTriesAgain]

MyNameIs,

I’m glad that you find this place to be a comfort amidst the difficulties you face in life. It’s nice to have a place to land that keeps us from falling further.

It can be so tough to feel like you’re on a treadmill…working hard, passing time, but making it nowhere…feeling worthless, feeling alone, feeling flawed…like each passing day haunts you in a way, because you can’t run away from these thoughts, they are still there staring at you, because you’ve gone nowhere. The ache can be torture.

You want to move, to make progress, to feel something redeeming come from your life…to change the way you feel, to change the way you are, to feel more worthy, more loved, more connected. But you don’t know how, and you feel stuck, and sick of being stuck.

I can relate to this so much…in my own life, my “Stuckness” is related to my addiction to porn. I have been in recovery for 10 years and haven’t found complete freedom, and it feels often times like I am on a treadmill sprinting but making it nowhere, having those same struggles haunt me too.

One of the things that I’ve had to come to terms with is finding value in the process, and seeing my own progress. Those were two really important things that helped me not feel despair for “lack of change” or “lack of success”.

1. My counselor recommended I start journaling about how I’m growing every day. Just little choices that I made, celebrate those, because it exemplified how I’m becoming the type of person that I wanted to be. It was hard at first, but it helped rewire my mind to not just disqualify the things that I was doing that were meaningful and worthwhile. I gave myself credit where I deserved credit, and I learned to appreciate myself.

2. I like this exercise from @danjo – it’s all about helping find purpose in the process, even when you’re not there yet.

These two things – celebrating your progress, and finding purpose in the process, may help you step off the treadmill.

-Nate

[anon17277947]

Hi friend,

This post hit close to home for me.

You mentioned that you wish your existence had worth. It does. Sometimes our mind tells us that we are worthless and hold no value because so many things feel overwhelming or difficult. Our mind, in our hurt and struggles tells us these lies and we believe it. But I can assure you friend that you hold value. You matter. Your life matters. Your feelings matter. What you are going through matters and you deserve to be heard. I say this a lot because so many of us need to be reminded of this, including myself.

Life is complicated. It surely can be sometimes, anyway. You know what? We are all flawed. Every single one of us. You are not alone and it does not mean you are defective or broken. Our society today often makes people feel like something is wrong with them if they don’t follow a certain standard or mold. But it isn’t true.

We all go through life at a different pace and in our own way. That is completely okay.

My entire upbringing I felt like I was broken. Like something was wrong with me. My family made me believe that I was just difficult and problematic. They faulted me for a lot of what I faced. Then as an adult I was diagnosed with many things that explained my entire childhood and adult life to that point.

Sometimes having a therapist and a psychiatrist to talk over what you are going through are such a huge help because they can listen. Without judgement. They can help direct and guide you. Give you the tools and resources to help overcome some of the struggles and thoughts you face. And help give medications to balance it all out. They can diagnose you properly and help you apply the proper treatments and routine in your life so that you can live at you best.

Do you see or talk to anyone?

Friend, you are a human being with feelings and emotions like any other person and that is okay. You’re allowed to have struggles. There is light in all of this darkness that you feel. Sometimes it just takes taking advantage of the proper resources to help guide you through how you are feeling.

You are deserving of love. From others and yourself. You deserve to be heard.

I’m going to leave you with some links okay?

Our master list of situations that you may relate to, followed with activities to help you. Master list

There is a 7 day FREE trial that you can take advantage of for online counseling. I have used this and I really appreciated it. BetterHelp Some OG our Heart Support staff use this regularly as well and serves them well. Even if all you use is the 7 day trial, it can be a great resources to have.

Discord If you aren’t already, you’re welcome to join the community on discord. To talk and hang out. Be a part of us. Whether in general chat for casual conversation or in #realtalk which is used similarly to the wall here. There is also a discord for DanMakesHisMark where you can find free coloring pages to download and color. Many of us have been contributing line art for people to color during quarantine and sharing. Some of us just color and share what we colored. Others draw and share. You are welcome to join us in that. No matter whether you’re good or not at it. The point is we do something together.

Friend I hope you get feeling better. We care about you.

Stay strong

• Kitty