This really fucked me up i havent lost anyone clos

[HeartSupport_Fans]

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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
This really fucked me up, I haven’t lost anyone close to me by suicide per say, but I did lose myself a long time ago to it, I’m not the greatest at straight writing like this to say how things make me feel so I wrote a poem for how this hit me.

I lost my fucking self
Thirteen years old
Bullied every day
Crying into a pillow
Muting my screams

Not a step I could take
Without immeasurable pain
Tears on the edge
Ready and waiting
They could fall at any time

I used to be myself
It was an easy thing for the bullies
They targeted my weaknesses
So I took them and buried them
Locked myself deep inside

As I looked up at night
I saw nothing, perfect darkness
A way to exist, inside the nothingness
That’s when it hit me
I have a belt and a platform

The relief of tightening the belt
Right up against the apple of my throat
A sense of calm rushes over my brain
Like a boat coming to save you from drowning
Pulling my mind from the water

A brief respite from pain
Is this what it’ll be
Hanging from this metal tree
Belt gets thrown over the pole
Knot tied… It’s time to die

Weight dropped, pressure applied
The world goes dark
The pain is surppressed
Embrace the cold hands of death
I prepare to leave this world of pain behind

Snap, crash, bang
The branch it broke
It spared my life
But that day I did die
That day I lost my childhood

Never ever have I gained it back
I was never the same
The same screams of pain
They were still whispered to my pillow at night
The cries for help nobody heard

Thirteen years old I committed suicide
I’m still alive but that day I died
I don’t know who I would have been
That kid will never have the chance to grow
The bullies they took that from me

I fucking died yet nobody saw the pain
A shield of anger pushed everyone away
Kept me alone and depressed
Had to let it go
But I’m still missing you

A child who could feel joy as it was
Not clouded by pain
Can’t even see my birthday as a happy day
Still to this day I try and try
Only to wish I could have said goodbye

[lu2910]

Your poem is truly heart-wrenching, thank you for opening up and sharing this deep and personal part of yourself. I relate heavily to the hurt in your heart, I hope that my words can bring you the comfort that you deserve.

It is so easy to stuff our emotions into the depths of our hearts and hide them away so well that no one knows. I’m currently a senior in college, and I tell people that you couldn’t pay me enough money to go back to being 13. Our society is so cruel to those who are unique and have things to offer. This creativity and courage to stray away from the norm can feel unfamiliar and threatening to others, so they poke fun in order to feel better about themselves. Why fit in when you were born to stand out? As someone who never “fit in” during high school, I found so much joy and so much acceptance from those around me when I grew up, since people eventually start to realize that cookie-cutter people are boring. It is the different ones who have more to offer and others want to be around.
I have been 13, 14, 15, and all of the ages where just being a teenage is such a hard thing. I struggled so much and couldn’t get out of bed most days due to how strong my depression was. I wanted to end it so bad, but looking back, I’m so grateful I chose to live. You will meet so many new people, see so many new places and experience laughing until your sides hurt, skipping out of joy, and feel what it means to be alive, not just live. This world truly is a better place with you in it, my friend. I promise you with everything in me, it does get better. Much better.
Please continue to reach out if you need someone to talk to, I feel your hurt and I want you to know you don’t have to go through all of this alone. Your childhood self may be dead, but the person you truly are, the person you are inside, they are not dead. Keep them alive <3

[tepidtooth85_95286]

Hey there friend,
I’m finding it so hard to find the words to say right now. Your poem may the most emotionally heavy piece of art I have ever read.
I am so sorry for your struggles, and your perceived loss. But I hope you know it was no accident that your attempt was unsuccessful, you are meant to be here!!!
I completely relate to your feelings of being bullied for being who you are. All throughout school, kids ignored me and treated me different since I wasn’t as “in” as all the other kids and had other interests that they didn’t share. I just tried ignoring the ignoring, but it wouldn’t always work and my mind would often drift to dark places. But I am so thankful I recognized that there was so much more to strive for in life, and I didn’t know how long it would take me to get to a better place, but I knew I would. It took years of failed attempts and waiting, but I finally hit a breakthrough and I have never looked back.
I am so sorry for how other’s treatment and perceptions of you have weighed you down friend, but I know you can rise above them. If they aren’t a person who can see your value and appreciate it, than why should their opinion matter at all? It shouldn’t, and doesn’t.
I can tell you have the brightest future ahead of you friend. Let me tell you, with how expressive and emotional you were with that poem, you have a gift for writing. Do not let that go to waste!! I would be elated to see your poem published somewhere one day.
I will be praying for you friend, you can do this!!!