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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
This song always tears me up…currently going through my third dark bout of depression in 15 years. I’ve climbed out before so I have the will, however each time is harder, it’s easy to fall & hard to climb… my wife is my rock but I just hurt her so much by pushing her away and tell myself I’m not worthy of her love. I don’t deserve her, and she doesn’t deserve the pain I give her.
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Hey there. Wow, yeah this song digs deep. Sorry to hear that you’re again going through another bout of depression and that these are repeated episodes. Going through a single depressive episode is brutal enough but having multiple episodes is next level. It’s like fighting the final boss in a game, exhausting your supplies and strength, only to realize it’s not the final boss. Just like you said, each time it feels harder and is easier to fall the next time. I’ve seen research regarding this that does imply on a physiological level the pathways developed, the chemical trail if you will from a depressive episode the more we have of them the stronger those paths become. Which would align with what you’re saying about it seems easier to fall. Patterns have been developed. Almost like muscle memory. I’ve had multiple major depressive episodes, some that lasted months and like you it feels like my mind more readily can slip into that pattern. The good news to that is the frequency of the episodes also helped me practice a pattern of thinking that combats the depressive thoughts. Rather than trying to remember what it was like to think and feel during the depressive moments I had real time information on which I could practice my meditative practice against. I could practice being more of a witness to my thoughts rather than living IN my thoughts. I could practice sitting with my deep dark feelings and repeat to myself that it’s okay, my mind is hurting but these feelings are not ME. I’m having them, but they are not me. Just like I can have a cold or feel tired. I can get wet from rain but it doesn’t define who I am. I know what it’s like it to keep faling. I remember it feeling hopeless that each time I fought to to the surface and yet could easily slip down again. It wasn’t until I started the meditative stuff that it helped shift my perception. Now the depressive episodes don’t bite so deep. Sometimes just days rather than weeks or months. Is it annoying? You bet. But overall I’m building I feel a better version of myself. I can’t control what happens to me but I finally understand what it means to have a way to respond differently. I share this to let you know there is hope. There are ways to build yourself back up. It’s so great that you do have your wife. I know what you mean about her being a rock but feeling guilty about the things you may say or do doing the depression. It’s not fair but depression is a disease. It’s not you. Hopefully you and your wife can have a conversation to communicate concerns and feelings. To convey or clarify any feelings or thoughts that may be bothering the other. It is hard of the spouse to have to watch their loved one go through it. If she is willing to stand by your side and you stand by hers during the tough times than you ABSOLUTELY deserve each other. I can’t think of a more deserving relationship. I’m sure you give to her in ways you can’t see. It’s my wish that you find resources to help during the episodes that benefit you as my meditation has helped me. You have endured much and I believe are stronger than you credit yourself. Keep looking and reaching out and thanks again for posting.
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Hello!
That is really heavy. I know how hard going through recurrent bouts of depression can be, and you are certainly not alone there. I hear you. I know it can seem like we aren’t deserving of love, but it’s important to remember that we ALL deserve love, and your rock will be there for you to help you when you fall. Every time you get back up, that’s another battle won, you don’t lose when you fall down, you’re absolutely amazing! You are SO strong, thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope that you are able to climb the mountain and see the sunrise, you are not alone 