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Belongs to: Therapist gets Down With The Sickness by Disturbed (FIRST TIME REACTION)
This song has been my personal favorite song of all time, from my personal fav band of all time, since I was 13. The only nob symphony concerts I’ve ever been to. All this without even thinking about any kind of meaning to it. At the time of this, I’m 4mnths into a post break up of a 1-year relationship. 3 months since I attempted unaliving myself, because of it.
In March, her dad had been placed in hospice lung cancer 6 months to live. The night before, she left. She had talked about letting our lease end and moving back to her hometown to help. I had some issues about her hometown and freaked out a bit. She left the next day, no word, no notice. I only knew cause I came home to talk to her at lunch, and by then 4 hours and she was gone. Five days later, her dad died. She called to tell me, then the next day blocked and ghosted me on everything.
Month later, of no contact, I had enough and drove down there to check up on her. We spent an hour talking, catching up. She was pulled away and distant. 2 was later we scheduled a meet-up, and I brought her mail. It felt like then, she was gone. The woman I loved wasn’t this woman before me. She kept me away and didn’t let me support her in her time of need. She was gone, checked out.
Another 2 weeks later into may, and one week before my bday. I had started a new job, more money to take out an expensive apt without her support. My car broke down, and I was stranded.
Scared of losing my job, car, apartment, and fear of having lost her. I tried to call, but that’s when I learned I had been blocked, so I used *67 and a masking app, called gee least 6x and left some panicked emails. Then, 2 days later the I’m ending this and not coming back to email. I was so ashamed immediately the day I called and felt such guilt. I wanted to end my own life cause I went crazy for an instant. I have to live with that pain, shame and guilt of it all everyday.
Distrubed has always been my sad go to, and comfort in knowing how they are serious about suicide prevention. I still can’t accept what I did, or her being gone… let alone forgive myself for it all.