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Belongs to: Therapist want to be Happy. By NF
This song hit me on two levels. A memory from 30 years ago and something that happened this week.
I began with depression at 13, by 18 it was my norm. I sat with a friend at a Denny’s one night chatting and in the back of my mind something was telling me something was off. Almost an alert. Took me a few minutes to give it my attention and to figure out what was wrong. I didn’t feel depressed. I panicked in my head and instantly felt the need to get depressed ASAP. Truth is when i didn’t feel depressed it literally terrified me so badly i didn’t even question my reaction. Once i got back to ‘normal’ it suddenly hit me… why did i do that? Not being depressed was wanted i wanted so badly. But i quickly realized i was afraid of what that meant, much like the song stated, who would i be if not depressed? It was a confusing moment to both understand why i didn’t want to feel better and also understand why i chose to stay the same.
And this week i went through some stuff. I kept it all to myself, didn’t tell anyone. Not even my gf, who i’m trying to be more open when i have struggles, especially since she has explicitly asked me to, since i tend to prefer helping others over helping myself and being honest to others with my struggles. I’m improving but now in retrospect i regret it. She did find out after i was in the hospital (health issues, not self harm). But it still bothers me i held it in. Can be very difficult being open with people, even those you trust the most. And even though you expect them to be open with you, makes you feel that much worse when you aren’t doing what you expect of others.