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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to a 45 by Shinedown
This song hits hard to me. In 2016 my sister committed suicide by parking on train tracks. I has to watch the video of it from train to verify her. That killed me inside and I’ve never been the same. She did it less than 100 yards from my house. Will never understand why she didnt come to me. She was parked by train tracks for 2 hours Fast Fast forward to February of 2023. Im from East Palestine Ohio. The Norfolk southern train derailment happened. It was literally in my backyard. Bad enough I have ptsd from trains with my sister and having the guilt from not being able to save her. In this past year the train derailment has made my life a living hell. I’ve got so many health problems directly from all the chemicals that will linger fir the next 20 years. I lost my 7 year old Rottweiler from derailment. Exactly 1 year of accident. The chemicals we are exposed to caused him to have aggressive bone cancer. I couldn’t save him either. While I wait on Norfolk Southern to buy me out and relocate me I’m still here closer and closer to my own fate from the long lasting exposure of all the chemicals all I can do is dwell on how shity things are. 45 is on constant play with me.
Oh friend. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Not only losing your sister must have been incredibly brutal, but having to be the one looking at the videos to identify her must have been traumatic. Having lost a sibling myself, seeing them sick and at the edge of death, I’ll never forget these images of him in my mind. I can only imagine how brutal it is for you to have seen your sister on this video. All the questions unanswered that it leaves you with, and the feelings of helplessness in face of something you couldn’t change but had to see. As much as this step was necessary, having to see this goes beyond words, and it makes so much sense that it has been haunting you since then.
Then moving forward, all the suffering you’ve been enduring due to this dramatic event. From losing your rottweiler to the impacts on your health. It feels like a living nightmare when life keeps throwing so much grief and adversity at you. It’s like swimming in the middle of an ocean without seeing any shore in sight to rest on. You are just forced to keep swimming on while storms and waves keep coming at you. While deep inside you just long for the possibility to rest, take some deep breaths and feel peace again. Instead, your survival instincts are challenged over and over.
It’s so hard when it feels like you just don’t have control over such important aspects of your life and the outcomes of it. That somehow external forces keep on influencing and impacting major areas of your own life and heart. That life is playing a game with you where the rules are always at your own disadvantage. It’s hard to keep hope and not to dwell on how things should be when you feel deep inside that it just shouldn’t be the way it is. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with all of this, friend. It’s not fair, and you certainly deserve so much more, so much better.
Hopefully, there will be some positive change and perspectives with the possibility of being relocated. It sounds like this would be some needed change in your life, something that could offer a real breath of fresh air to you, even if of course it won’t bring back everything you’ve lost along the way. At the very least, it is a perspective to hold on to, one that could give you strength during days that might feel completely hopeless at times. During seasons of utter helplessness, I know that the perspective for change are some of the things that really helped me survive at times. It’s not enough in itself, but it’s a powerful way to keep on standing up for ourselves.
You my friend matter so very much and deserve to see what’s beyond all of this grief and all of these losses. You deserve to feel safe, cared for and at peace where you live. We will be rooting for you.
