This time for sure

[Mystrose]

I know that I’ve made a post like this in the past and although I did quit for a couple weeks, I still started using again. I feel shame, because I made a big deal about it and failed.

Lately, I haven’t been getting anything out of using. It takes a lot to get me high and I don’t usually get there. I prepare a bowl and more times than not, after I hit it once, I forget about it. Last night, I thought, “why the hell am I smoking this?” I just put it down and I haven’t picked it back up.

I feel like at this point, all I’m doing is wasting money and messing up my lungs. It’s just not doing anything for me anymore. I’m bored with it in a way.

I don’t think about it while I’m at my program during the day (unless we are talking about it) and today I made the commitment to not smoke anymore in our “seeking safety” group meeting. I feel pretty confident that I can do this.

So, if you pray, please pray for me and if you don’t, please keep me in your thoughts. I could use all the help I can get. Also, if anyone has advice on how to cope with urges, I’m all ears.

[Wings]

I coped by exercising a lot. I did cross country skiing, and pushed myself till my lungs were aching. I’d end up with a “runner’s high,” though more accurately it was a “skier’s high.” Maybe allowing yourself to become a “health nut,” at least for a while, can get you past the worst of it.

Stopping a habit leaves an emptiness behind unless an alternative, more beneficial activity replaces it. It sounds like your day program is adequate for the time you spend there.

It’s wonderful and admirable that you’ve chosen to face this challenge. Let us know how you’re doing.

[Mystrose]

Good idea, I’ve been thinking about getting a stationary bike. I used to cycle when I was in my teens and early 20s. Fibro pretty much stops me from doing a whole lot, but I could probably use the stationary bike to help cope.

@Wings

It’s wonderful and admirable that you’ve chosen to face this challenge

Thank you, that means a lot.

[Wings]

I’ve had arthritis since I was eleven, and fibro for about as long. Getting started might be painful, but the net result is to feel better. Your muscles warm up a bit, and that reduces the pain - unless you over do it. Increased heart rate helps the brain become optimally oxygenated, and helps with mental clarity. As far as mobility goes, I’m doing better now than I have most of my life. I’m not sure why, but I’m glad.

[Mystrose]

@Wings

I’m doing better now than I have most of my life.

I love that! Maybe I can get there too.

[Rick]

Hey Mystrose! I’ve seen you around helping people out heaps. I’m grateful for that, thank you for all that you do.

I want to point something out, just from my perspective.

I feel shame, because I made a big deal about it and failed.

Last night, I thought, “why the hell am I smoking this?” I just put it down and I haven’t picked it back up.
…
I feel like at this point, all I’m doing is wasting money and messing up my lungs. It’s just not doing anything for me anymore. I’m bored with it in a way.

You feel shame for what you perceive to be a failure, but whoa, this actually strikes me as a huge success. I’ve struggled with substance addiction myself, and hitting a point where I really started to question what I was even getting out of it anymore, when I was feeling bored with it, was a huge turning point.

It’s possible that this minor relapse could be used as ammunition against future cravings. Maybe you’ll be able to fight them off with these memories by reminding yourself that you haven’t actually been getting much out of it lately anyway. Mindfulness is a common technique for applied to help people cede cigarette smoking, for example – smokers will be asked to really pay attention to the feelings, tastes, smells that they experience leading up to, while they smoke, and after. Some people notice that it obviously tastes and smells really bad, that their heart thumps like crazy, their throat hurts, their breaths feel less effective, and so on. Maybe this could help you too, in retrospect or in the case of another relapse. It sounds like you’re already doing this to an extent.

I seriously think you’re doing great. The way you’re talking about this sounds healthy to me. There’s no denial, you’re taking an objective look at your situation informed by how you’ve felt before and after using. I think it’s worth celebrating these little victories. Go you!

In terms of assisting with cravings, Wings has mentioned what I would have tried to say already. The habits you’re dropping leave behind a lot of empty space, and that space will feel less glaring if you fill it with something else. That could be anything, but healthier coping habits like exercise are definitely a great idea. A stationary bike would be perfect! Sometimes it might help to do something creative with the feelings you’re facing in the moment, too. Here are some examples to express what I mean: Angry dancing with headphones on when you’re just fed up, writing lyrics about how crap it feels to be stuck with cravings you can’t ignore, drawing pictures of happy trees and serene landscapes to help you feel like I’m there. The right answer would be whatever feels right to you in that moment. I hope that helps in some way!

You’re doing great, thank you for sharing!

[Lisalovesfeathers]

My wonderful beautiful amazing friend, I know you’ve got this. Last time was not a fail at all, you had a lot to contend with and piggin hard so give yourself some grace please and look at how far you have come. I tell you all the time that I love you but I don’t tell you enough how proud I am of you and your growth in your mh journey even in the short time I have known you, I see you work hard every day to learn more about how your mind works and how you can better your thinking and improve your life and that is an incredible thing. Now this is just one more step to making your health and life more improved and I have no doubt it will happen and I will be there to support you all the way.
Rosie, love you, proud of you, here for you.
Your friend Lisa xxx

[Mamadien]

Oh Rosie!! Know that I am praying for you my sweet, wonderful friend! Oh I so don’t see a failure here. Oh my no! Picking up the bowl and then not really using? Realizing that you don’t really want to? HUGE! The act of prepping a bowl is behavior that is likely familiar and comfortable, even though you really don’t want the substance in it. I went through this when I quit smoking. There was the familiar friend of the cigarette I would hold and caress and then there was the nicotine. I was long done with the nicotine before I was ready to give up the familiar actions. The trick? Finding a new activity that is healthier to replace it with. I actually chewed a whole big box of coffee stirrers (one at a time) to work through the urges. I also put a rubber band on my wrist and would snap that when an urge hit (it actually worked, even though it sounds weird). My urges would last about 1-2 minutes and come in groups that would last about 20 minutes. If I could get through that I was good for a while. Over time the urges started getting fewer, further apart and weaker. It’s been 18 years for me now and yes, I’ve smoked one or two in that time - but haven’t done what I would consider a relapse.

I too have Fibro and I have a rheumatoid type arthritis and I can say that staying active helps. So does staying hydrated with healthy things like water, tea and such. Find the activity you like, and go for it.

You are amazing! You are stronger than you realize. You are so loved and I will be here to cheer you on, hold you up, hug you, run along side you or what ever you need my wonderful friend! You are an incredibly wise and wonderful person and I can’t imagine not knowing you now that I have met you.

[Ashwell]

Hi Rosie. My thoughts are with you. I am proud of you for trying to stop. It is hard and I know it wount be easy but I know you can do it

[Sita]

we’re here to cheer you!!

You got this

[Mystrose]

Thank you @Wings @Rick @Lisalovesfeathers @Mamadien @Ashwell and @Sita

Your advice and support means the world. Thank you so much.

[SheetMetalHead]

I’m going through my own recovery journey right now, and there are some parallels. One of the big ideas is that shame is your demons telling you that you don’t measure up, and that quitting is pointless. In that way, your shame cycle is what keeps you in your bad habits. That voice gets REALLY loud when you start trying to quit. You have to shout back that you ARE worth it, you ARE worthy, you ARE loved, and you are ready to be free of the things that bind you. It’s hard, it’s exhausting, it’s not a fairy tale of triumph at first. As uncomfortable as they can be, out-loud affirmations are really helpful. It’s one thing to think good things about yourself, but speaking them, shouting them, and hearing them engage different parts of your brain and start working on a neurological level to change your thought processes. Print out some affirmations, tape them to your mirror, and shout them at the start of each day.

One thing that helps me get through urges, if you are religious, is the One Minute Pause app. It does guided 1, 3, or 10 minute prayer meditations that clear my mind. I have also done the rubber band trick Mamadien suggested. Just one snap was enough to wake me up from my obsessive trance and get back to something more productive. Taking a walk is helpful. Getting rid of your paraphernalia makes smoking not an option, which removes a LOT of the temptation. Sharing your urges with an accountability partner pulls you out of your shame closet, and takes the burden off your shoulders in that moment. Instead of trying to deny or ignore your urges, you set them free into the world, which gives them a lot less power.

Despite what your demons might tell you, there is no shame in having urges. Old habits die hard, and your brain is hardwired in its habit template. Your limbic system craves things that feel good, and doesn’t do any reasoning. What’s the shame in that? In fact, recognizing your urges is a huge cognitive step in starting to turn away from them. Good luck as you start your journey, friend. Keep us updated!

[Mystrose]

Thank you for all the great tips.

I’ve been doing pretty good just going to my group therapy and using the mindfulness meditations I’ve learned there. It also helps to have 6 hours of the day where I can’t be high and the support of 12 other people sitting around a big table. That works wonders and I’m so blessed to have that right now in my life.

I’m working on the affirmations thing, but it’s gonna take some more therapy because I just can’t do it. Just something inside says I don’t deserve it. I would tell someone who said they didn’t deserve it that they did and I know everyone will tell me that too. It’s gonna take some more work.

The thought crosses my mind that “omg I’m out of weed! get more!” here and there but, I’ve been able to fight it off. Thanks so much for your awesome reply