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This trilogy of albums has been such a great outlet for me. It perfectly expressed all the emotions during and after a break up. I found a lot of catharsis in this music. I’ve also been sober for a couple months, now. In a way, the journey into recovery and battling addiction is like a break up. I was not expecting the grieving process to happen when it came to alcohol.
Yes, recovering from addiction does feel like a huge loss - it makes so much sense. But instead of life choosing for you, you are the one actively letting go of something. It’s hard because even though it hurts you, it is something that was holding an importance space in your life and was occupying a specific role. When you removing it, you are losing something and find yourself in need to compose with the void, while your heart wants it back in your life so badly.
I’m proud of you for being sober and for even just being on that path right now. It is such an important and significant transition in your life. Keep it up, friend. It hurts like hell, but this will lead you to reconnecting with yourself in ways that will feel menaingful over time. I believe in you.
@heartsupport If I don’t try to be some idealized version of what I think people want me to be, who tf am I? It’s all I have ever done. Literally. From 1st grade on, I was bullied for everything I was/am. I was left trying to find the flaws in myself ahead of the bullies, so I could protect myself from them. I was left trying to be what they wanted me to be, so I could protect myself. If I am not doing that, I legit don’t know who I am. I never have.
I’m sorry you had to be the one others wanted you to be for so long. It hurts so much when it feels like you’re never allowed to be yourself, and that your only way to survive in this world would be to be as others want you to. When you were bullied, you were facing a highly stressful and traumatic situation. It makes completely sense that you simply tried to make it through their violence, even if it was at the cost of who you are. And somehow, when you internalize what they said, when you decide to be the one who say “I’m not good enough” before they do, it gives you power and control when they desperately try to take it away from you… The way you describe it, completely makes sense.
I relate to what you describe, in a different manner of course. My entire childhood and early adult life, I have spent it being someone I wasn’t, because as I grew up I’ve learned that it was the only way to receive some kind of love from my mom. If I was nurturing, kind and conflict-avoidant, I wouldn’t be hurt - at least that’s what I thought. But it was at the cost of truly being myself, feeling things and expressing them. And over the years, I loss perspective on who I am. It is freaking scary to realize at some point that you have been away from yourself for so long. It’s overwhelming to try to identify and discover who you are when it feels like so much time has been lost. For what it’s worth, I feel this with you with all my heart.
Somehow, you’ve done what you could in the circumstances you were facing. This violence from the bullies, is not something you ever deserved to live, and you coped and you survived just as you could at the time. If you are not trying to be the person others want you to be, then you are on a journey towards reconnecting with yourself. You may meet yourself in ways you never did before. The unknown is scary, and at the same time there is a road of possibilities ahead when it feels like being a blank page. It’s a little bit like learning to know someone new in your life, and uncovering layers of knowledge and understanding little by little. Taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, being present to how you feel at any given time, allowing yourself to seek support when you need it, are all ways to learn to know yourself progressively, and change this narrative of censoring who you are. You have permission to exist my friend, you have permission to be - you always did.
Fkn CONGRATULATIONS BRO on being sober. by no means am I a shining beacon of what to do, but I’ve got a year and half. Find me here I reply back… LOOK THAT FACE IN THE MIRROR IN THE MORNING AN KNOW YOU’RE WORTH MORE THAN THE PAIN AND WITHDRAWALS THAT GO WITH THAT SHIT!!! You GOT this homie!!! And couldn’t agree more with you about this song. THIS BAND WILL GET US THROUGH IT ALL!!! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT BRO… PLEASE!!
@@bamadondon0495dang, internet stranger. You just made my day. After my initial comment. I ended up relapsing and going back to rehab (for the third time in a year), but I’m coming up on 60 days again. I’m also starting grad school to get my masters in counseling in about a week! Congrats on a year and a half, that’s something to be really proud of.
