I want to break things, I’m so angry with my life and my experiences that I’m so angry I’m crying, i know life isn’t fair, but if the people in my life knew just how unfair it can be…
I’ve masked so much anger for so long, i don’t even know how to healthily deal with it. I thank you for sharing your story, I too was abused, but mine was by a trusted best friend as a young teenager, I’ve never had a way to deal with it and to this day, 20 years later it haunts me as an unresolved anger deep inside. Therapy didn’t work, drugs don’t work, i don’t know how to fix it, and maybe it’s not fixable but i just don’t want to hold onto this rage any longer…
I’m so sorry you experienced that as a teenager. No one should ever have to deal with that. Having anger buried inside can be exhausting and scary. Like we can’t trust ourselves to keep it locked away. But you are acknowledging your anger and things you’ve suppressed and that’s a huge step! Awareness of our emotions is such an important step towards healing. Seeing them for what they are can loosen their grip. Just the fact that you recognize and stated that you don’t want to hold onto it any longer shows you are ready and strong and brave! There is a light inside you ready to drown out the darkness and taking that step to start letting it in is so empowering! I’m so proud of you! We are here for you and you are never alone! I have so much hope for you and I’m praying for you as you start to heal! You’ve got this!
Hoping the tears brought a little bit of relief, friend. Somehow, this kind of breakthrough that you’ve had can feel so overwhelming, so confusing, and bring such intense emotions at once. There is no doubt that you’ve been keeping a lot to yourself, and there is something very strong in what you’ve experienced there: you are becoming aware of how deep, how valuable, how fundamental your inner life is. This anger that you feel, this sense of injustice - it needs to be said and it needs to be heard. You voice matters SO much.
You have experienced a level of betrayal that words are not enough to convey. Experiencing abuse at such a young age leaves such a deep mark on our soul. It makes absolutely sense to feel this anger, this pain, this rage inside for the wrong that you’ve been through. It should have never been like this. It should have never happened to you. I too have been holding a grudge against my abusers for a long time now, and it’s hard to get to the other side of it. To start embracing what life can be beyond the anger, beyond the feeling to need a justice that never comes.
This is a slow, arduous process. After, it’s about grieving the life that could have been without the abuse. The life we deserved to have. But there will be a time my friend when it will finally feel right to let the anger go one day. A day when doing so won’t feel like accepting what happened or betraying yourself, but giving yourself the freedom to feel like breathing fully again. For you deserve to embrace this life without feeling imprisoned by what they did to you. I believe, maybe naively, that this anger we feel can be turned into a power over time to refuse to let them keep having power over us. They don’t get to do that. They don’t get to keep conditioning your life in such a way, my friend.
You will get there, friend, in your own time. This grief is hard to find closure with. You are not alone.
Thanks Runner and Micro, it’s been a long process and will be longer still. After i posted this comment i proceeded to do something i hadn’t done since i was a child, and screamed as loud and as long as i possibly could into my pillow, it didn’t even sound like something i thought a human could make, but it felt so good. I then went to two live events, one was an emo event at a local bar and i got to be around amazing people with similar taste in music for 5 hours straight. The next night there was an Emo Nite event at a local ballroom, and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had! I got a chance to let go of every anxiety i held inside for another 5 hours straight, it was me and 800 of my closest friends dancing, moshing, and at one point i was one of the people on stage hyping the crowd, which as an introvert was something i would never have expected myself to be able to do. There are good people in the world and i just need to try to find the ones who will stick around and maybe i can move past the hurt. Thank you both for your kind words and well wishes!
