All sorts of random, upsetting, overwhelming, intimidating, and stupid thoughts are keeping me awake.
They are like a carousel. It’s going up and down and round and round while irritating music is playing, people are watching and chatting and some kid is crying and screaming in the background.
It smells like regret and dried up tears.
All my thoughts are irrational and irrelevant. But I can’t make them stop.
I so desperately want to sleep, but my heart is pounding.
Thoughts like these trigger me to a point where I’m scared to be alone.
I’m not alone enough for anyone to be worried, my parents are asleep next door, and no, I can’t wake them, that would be even more upsetting.
I start trash talking myself and I’m starting to make myself believe some bad stuff about myself and about actions I should do.
I’m alright, don’t worry, nothing will happen, this battle is in my head.
Emotional pain is just as tormenting and oddly satisfying as physical pain.
Anyways.
Maybe someone actually read this. It would surprise me, but hey…miracles happen.
I’m sorry.
I just wish I weren’t feeling this lonely and desperate and worthless.
Do you know any breathing tricks? Focusing on your breath can sometimes help. Just some nice deep breaths, and focus on that and that alone. IF the thoughts come, don’t fight them, don’t follow them, just focus on the breathing.
Hi fiji.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I am sorry you are in pain. Those thoughts are just thoughts ok. I know they hurt and I know it feels like they might be right but they are not. Sometimes we all feel like we are the worst and we deserve bad things but we dont. You dont deserve it. I would like you to be happy. Yes a complete stranger but I want you to be happy. I cant see a reason why you should suffer. You dont deserve to suffer.
Do you see a therapist or are you taking any medication for your problems with intrusive thoughts? Just asking. It might be good to seek help but again it is up to you. I am going to post a video here about intrusive thoughts. Hope it helps al least a bit. Stop Negative Thoughts - YouTube
Also, I am very happy that you are physically safe and that there are people around you.
However, our thoughts shape our reality. Constantly having a string of thoughts that are negative about yourself is not ideal.
Can you make a list of three things about yourself that you like or three fun, happy moments? ANY three things!!
It can be a cute mole on the side of your foot, or a freckle that always looks ‘right’, the way you make your coffee, the best joke you ever heard and how much you laughed. It can be a minor as that, it still counts. Can you take a few moments and write those down? Also, I would like to ask you a favour. If you’re up to it, can you try sitting up and sitting with your back straight, push those shoulders back, and then take some deep breaths? Then try to make the list.
I know I’m new here and don’t really know many people, but I just wanted to let you know that you are seen and valued. Emotional torture is really hard to break free from, but I hope that some day you can feel that your family and those people you think would be too upset to listen, actually love you and will be so appreciative that you are sharing your hurt with them.
Even if for right now you don’t want advice or anything, it can be a different kind of freeness to just know that people actually care about your life.
X B-
I remember taking a medication, totally unrelated to mood or mental function, but I ended up with disturbed sleep, bizarre dreams, and very anxious. It took me a while to figure out what the problem was. When I quit the med, the symptoms improved, but I still have intermittent episodes of strange dreams and thoughts when I try to go to sleep. Though they still sometimes occur, they are no longer troubling. Instead, I think of them as dreams “leaking” into my conscious thoughts. Sometimes I actually manage to influence the dreams or call their bluff by informing them that what they are presenting isn’t possible. I also like to “project visualizations” into the dreams. Then they can become fun and entertaining.
I have the sound of rain and surf playing all night long in my bedroom. That’s been very helpful. There is also a lot of great relaxation music on YouTube. Don’t go to bed on a full stomach, or caffeine in your system. 20 minutes or more of aerobic exercise does great things for brain chemistry, and enhances the ability to fall asleep quickly.
It’s not uncommon for the mind to become hyperactive when it’s time to sleep. I think it may have to do with the sudden freedom to allow thoughts to become random, instead of having to keep them focused on daily issues.
